The Anna Pigole Smith Show

Left: Anna gets air-lifted from her bedroom to the kitchen for breakfast.

After making headlines by becoming the first Playboy Playmate of the Year to add 3 commas to both her bank account and waistline in the same year, Anna was offered two television deals. 

She wisely turned down the offer to appear on the guest panel of the Jenny Jones episode, “Girl, You Really Blew Up! (or Size Matters, You Got Fatter! Or “More to Love, Too Big to Hug!”). The E! network told her she would get her own eponymous show. “Don’t call me an eponymous!,” she screamed at them, “I’m not that fat!” 

The E! executives smiled because they knew they had a hit on their hands – especially with such a strong lead-in from their #1 rated show, the 30 minute, long-form commercial for the video series that documents the age-old quest of drunken giggly college girls to expose their snuggle-bubbles to as many sleazeball guys as possible before returning to school from academic break to become future doctors, lawyers, teachers, and other mainstream members of society who would never do such a thing.

What will Anna do after her show completes its 2 ½ year long Emmy Award winning run? She will likely have many options. She could be featured in the bottom-left and bottom-center on Hollywood Squares. Or she could make the perfect “before/after” model for those miracle diet pill commercials. Except her “before” would be their “after” and her “after” their “before.”

And then I think how she let herself blimp up after marrying that old rich billionaire and waited for him to die to collect her paycheck.

Let's keep it real. When I become an old Texas billionaire, I'm gonna marry me a Playboy model too. What do I care if she takes all my bacon bits after I'm dead?! But she ain't gonna become the Marshmallow man while I'm still alive. I'll put that in the pre-nup. If she's

spotted at even one all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet . . . or if she has an on-going relationship with the ice cream truck man... or if her fingers become so fat that she can no longer change my adult diaper, she's gettin' the boot!

Anna Nicole's ancient husband (may he rest in peace) was so excited when she came into the bedroom with this Popsicle. He seductively fed it to her. But it got a little tired when he consequently had to romantically feed her large spoonfuls of rocky road ice cream, then romantically feed her large scraps of ham, then romantically feed her from a large leather bag of oats.

When I see the Anna Pigole Smith Show, I see it like this:

Anna Nicole Smith is on TV with her trademark poofy blonde hair. Her nose is replaced with a snout. She is eating spaghetti and meatballs with her hands by the fistful while wearing an undersized bikini. Her fat bulges.

In the bottom right-hand corner of the TV screen are the logos for E! and Animal Planet.

There is a suitcase of half-eaten Krispy Krud Donuts.

Above her breast, we see a tattoo of the signature Playboy bunny. But the Playboy bunny has a big fat bloated face and double chin.

On the floor is an old pair of jeans with the famous designer logo of a question mark inside a triangle that Anna used to be the spokesmodel for. But these jeans are huge. The waist is listed as “GUESS”

There are tools on the floor. A wrench, a hammer, and gold shovel.

Empty beer cans and liquor bottles lay everywhere with the labels: Buttweider, Heinehuge, Snack Daniels, Grey Caboose Vodka, Bacardi Rump, Absoslut Vodka, Slob Adams, Beefeater, Fatty Lite, a 40 ounce bottle of Crazyho, and a family size Crisco.

Here is an artist's rendering of Anna Nicole Smith at her open-casket funeral:

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