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Best of HogWild's FUNNY CHATS

From time to time HogWild will log on to various Chats, mostly regarding subjects he knows little or nothing about.  So in an effort to proclaim his stupidity, we present to you another inane conversation with HogWild.


HogWild as Sherwood, upon discovering that this person is from Australia.

<Sherwood> cool! I LOVE Australia!
<Sherwood> What part are you from?
<Sherwood> No kidding! That's what I'm gonna name my 2nd daughter!
<Sherwood> I am in the media mecca of the midwest, Dayton, Ohio
<Sherwood> I know it's not as SEXY as VICTORIA, but it's still nice in a country bumpkin sort of way
<Sherwood> Dayton is about 1/2 hour from no where
<Sherwood> just kidding
<Sherwood> dayton is 1 hour from cincinnati
<Sherwood> and 1 hour from columbus
<BELLA_01> That is alright i'm sure if u came to my home town u would think we r about the same
<Sherwood> really?
<Sherwood> i thought Victoria was a major city
<Sherwood> the hustle, the bustle
<Sherwood> all those Victorians running around
<BELLA_01> no Melbourne is the capital of victoria
<Sherwood> oh!
<Sherwood> so Victoria is like a province or something
<Sherwood> see, i knew that
<Sherwood> i was just testing your geography
<BELLA_01> i'm in a town in  victoria about 65,000 pop
<Sherwood> so you don't live near Melbourne
<Sherwood> 65,000 ain't bad
<BELLA_01> about 1.5 hrs away
<BELLA_01> you're a quick typer
<Sherwood> i used to live in the Bronx, NY, my neighborhood had 65,000 pop
<Sherwood> but 50,000 of those were roaches
<Sherwood> really big ones too
<Sherwood> cops used to have to beat them down with billy clubs
<BELLA_01> so you're used to the hustle
<Sherwood> oh yeah
<Sherwood> AND the bustle
<Sherwood> so is it true Australia was founded by prisoners?
<BELLA_01> now u r just a country boy
<Sherwood> yup that's sure is right there billy bob
<Sherwood> i done did it
<Sherwood> i done did become a country guy

<BELLA_01> yep except for the aboriginals who were here all along
<Sherwood> oh the aboriginals
<Sherwood> is that your P.C. term for Redskins
<Sherwood> see here in America we just exterminated them and made logos on our sports helmets
<BELLA_01> what r redskins?
<Sherwood> did you guys do the same?
<Sherwood> redskins are what the white man called American Indians
<Sherwood> do you like have a soccer team called the Aboriginals?
<BELLA_01> r u racist?
<Sherwood> no
<Sherwood> but my country is
<Sherwood> was
<Sherwood> um, we're still trying to make up our mind
<Sherwood> like, 30 years ago we were
<Sherwood> but now we try not to be
<Sherwood> and now we tell other countries how they should treat their citizens
<Sherwood> it's the American way
<Sherwood> no I love all people
<BELLA_01> fair enough 
<Sherwood> except smelly ones
<Sherwood> i am racist against those with sour odors
<BELLA_01> hahahahahaha
<Sherwood> you don't stink do you?
<Sherwood> do you use deodorant?
<BELLA_01> no i smell really pretty
<Sherwood> good
<BELLA_01> chanel n that
<Sherwood> so do i, except on rare occassions, but usually that involves tacos
<Sherwood> chanel?
<Sherwood> i must be talking to a bim!
<BELLA_01> chanel NO5
<Sherwood> so in australia you women love ParFooom?
<BELLA_01> what is a bim u mean bimbo?
<Sherwood> no no no
<Sherwood> bim is just a term for a lady
<Sherwood> nub is for a guy
<Sherwood> like, i'm a nub
<Sherwood> it'll catch on soon in Australia, just like the Price is Right
<BELLA_01> hahahah
<Sherwood> so you do you have american tv shows in Australia?
<BELLA_01> i love the price is right
<Sherwood> great show
<Sherwood> what a concept
<Sherwood> 1 full hour of commercials made into a betting game
<Sherwood> brilliant!
<BELLA_01> yeah but they r australianised
<Sherwood> so we have bob barker as the host
<Sherwood> who do you have?
<BELLA_01> you're too quick
<BELLA_01> i cant remember his name
<Sherwood> can't handle a man with fast fingers?
<Sherwood> :)
<BELLA_01> ooooohhhhh
<BELLA_01> hahahah
<Sherwood> it's a joke, one time i told that to my proctologist and she got revenge
<BELLA_01> as long as he's good
<Sherwood> i've seen price is right australian style and the bims are amazing
<Sherwood> are all the women that incredible?
<Sherwood> bc in the US all the attractive woman are on tv
<Sherwood> and there are none left for regular folks
<BELLA_01> no not really they just pick the real sexy ones 
<Sherwood> oh, so does Australia have its share of BFNs?
<Sherwood> Big Fat Nasties?
<BELLA_01> we have all got that special something though
<Sherwood> IN Ohio, we lead the coutnry in % of BFN's to the regular pop.
<Sherwood> oh yeah
<Sherwood> like the accent
<Sherwood> i think an australian accent is sexy
<BELLA_01> yep
<Sherwood> a french accent makes me want to puke though

<BELLA_01> me too
<BELLA_01> cool its a pity i haven't got a speaker
<Sherwood> what do you think of the american accent?
<Sherwood> there are many tho
<Sherwood> the southern american hick accent
<Sherwood> the New yawk accent
<Sherwood> the ohi-a accent
<Sherwood> the surfer dude accent
<BELLA_01> its a bit quick but i find myself copying it
<Sherwood> the american accent?
<Sherwood> why, from movies?
<BELLA_01> yep
<Sherwood> is american culture really big out there?
<BELLA_01> watch too many
<Sherwood> like, do you have McBootleg restaurants out there
<Sherwood> and Coca-Cola
<BELLA_01> certainly do
<Sherwood> wowzers
<BELLA_01> coke is the biggest selling soft drink everywhere
<Sherwood> so if i visit Vicotoria, it'll be like visiting Newark?
<Sherwood> I hope not
<Sherwood> where are your koala bears and whatnot
<BELLA_01> we have 2 maccas in shep
<Sherwood> and those alligators and stuff
<Sherwood> what's a macca
<Sherwood> and a shep?
<BELLA_01> in the bush
<Sherwood> is that a bird?
<BELLA_01> Macca's = McDonalds
<Sherwood> oh!
<Sherwood> why is it called Macca?
<BELLA_01> Shep= my home town
<Sherwood> does macca mean heartburn in australian?
<Sherwood> oh
<BELLA_01> no it is just a nickname
<Sherwood> so do you have a pet koala bear?
<Sherwood> that would be cool
<Sherwood> i have a pet dog
<Sherwood> do you have a parrot?
<BELLA_01> no they r wild it is illegal to keep them without a licence
<Sherwood> that sucks
<BELLA_01> we r just the same as u guys
<Sherwood> what's the point of god creating beautiful exotic creatures if we can't rip them from their homes and domesticate them for our personal amusement
<BELLA_01> i want to visit us one day but i think it might be too scary
<Sherwood> why?
<BELLA_01> how old r u
<Sherwood> do they bite?
<Sherwood> me?
<Sherwood> I am an old
<Sherwood> man
<BELLA_01> yes
<Sherwood> 23
<Sherwood> 23 long years on this planet
<BELLA_01> me too
<Sherwood> you're 23 too?
<BELLA_01> oh yeah
<Sherwood> so young
<Sherwood> so so young
<BELLA_01> yep
<Sherwood> haven't even experienced life yet
<Sherwood> haven't even met a koala bear
<Sherwood> sad
<BELLA_01> you either?
<Sherwood> nope
<BELLA_01> hahahahah
<Sherwood> but that is my life's goal
<Sherwood> to meet Mr. Koala Bear
<Sherwood> shake his hand
<Sherwood> smile
<Sherwood> and throw a sack over its head and take him home!

<BELLA_01> do you have rattle snakes
<BELLA_01> i dont want to meet one of those
<Sherwood> i dont have snakes
<BELLA_01> in your state
<Sherwood> yeah they'll like kill you and stuff
<BELLA_01> thats scary
<Sherwood> the only exotic animal in my state is the squirrel
<BELLA_01> hahahahh
<Sherwood> the people here seem to enjoy eating them
<BELLA_01> grose
<Sherwood> yeah
<BELLA_01> what time is it there?
<Sherwood> with bbq sauce and all that
<BELLA_01> here it is 9:50 pm Sat
<Sherwood> 9:50 pm!
<Sherwood> DAAAAAAANG!
<Sherwood> its on 7:50 am here
<BELLA_01> what day
<Sherwood> it's like your on the other side of the world or something!
<Sherwood> it's saturday
<Sherwood> i think
<BELLA_01> jeez u think
<BELLA_01> do u watch JERRY
<Sherwood> jerry springer?
<BELLA_01> yep
<BELLA_01> i love jerry it's so pathetic!!
<Sherwood> nah, i prefer more intellectual fare like Jenny Jones
<BELLA_01> don't get her
<Sherwood> oh, her guests usually involve make-overs and strippers
<BELLA_01> what does she do
<BELLA_01> a lot like jerrry then
<Sherwood> jerry springer used to be mayor of cincinnati-- 1 hour from where i live
<Sherwood> i met jerry springer
<Sherwood> briefly
<BELLA_01> is he a prick or what?
<Sherwood> he looks very old in person
<Sherwood> no he was cool
<BELLA_01> hahaha he thinks he is all that
<Sherwood> he knows what he's doing is entertainment so he doesn't take himself too seriously
<Sherwood> next show: Talk show hosts who think they're all that
<BELLA_01> yeah
<Sherwood> so do you wear a cowboy hat?
<BELLA_01> r u married
<Sherwood> usually
<BELLA_01> no i am a normal gal
<Sherwood> i only wear the cowboy hat during intimate encounters
<Sherwood> what do you mean "normal"
<BELLA_01> usually married??
<Sherwood> no, always
<Sherwood> always and forever
<Sherwood> for all my life
<Sherwood> until the day i die
<Sherwood> only 12963287632874 days to go
<Sherwood> :)
<Sherwood> ever see that show married with children?
<Sherwood> with al bundy?
<BELLA_01> that is excellent it is nice to know that there are real men out there
<Sherwood> of course i'm "real"
<BELLA_01> yep it is a bit stupid
<Sherwood> WHAT!!!!!!!
<Sherwood> no, that is classic television
<Sherwood> you have insulted my very being
<Sherwood> Al Bundy is god
<BELLA_01> so you r married
<Sherwood> yes
<BELLA_01> at 23 that is young
<Sherwood> yes
<Sherwood> no, she wasn't pregnant
<Sherwood> we dated for 5 years
<BELLA_01> and you're having another child how many have u got
<Sherwood> no no no
<Sherwood> no children
<Sherwood> not for a long time
<Sherwood> can't handle any kids
<Sherwood> for goodness sake! i don't even have a koala bear yet!
<Sherwood> so how come you're not married
<BELLA_01> why did u say Victoria was going to be her name
<Sherwood> my second daughter
<BELLA_01> too horrid
<Sherwood> when i have her
<Sherwood> too horrid what?
<Sherwood> you're scared?
<Sherwood> or do you have a deep dark secret?
<BELLA_01> too horrid to find anyone nice
<Sherwood> so you only meet scumlike dudes?
<Sherwood> where are you looking?
<BELLA_01> i had one for 4 yrs and he cheated over the net
<BELLA_01> 2 months ago
<Sherwood> what do you mean?
<Sherwood> he had cyber sex or real sex?
<BELLA_01> he found someone new that he wanted to meet
<Sherwood> or he cheated with his large collection of jpg's?
<Sherwood> oh
<Sherwood> so he dumped you for some bim he never even met
<BELLA_01> yep what an arse hey
<Sherwood> or did he meet her secretly and then decided to break up?
<BELLA_01> the first
<Sherwood> i bet the girl he met was ugly
<BELLA_01> i'm not that bad
<Sherwood> probably had pimples on her butt
<Sherwood> not YOU, the bim he cheated with
<BELLA_01> hope so Hahahahaha
<Sherwood> is that how you met HIM, over the net?
<BELLA_01> not me mines smooth
<Sherwood> smooth bottoms are a plus
<BELLA_01> no my brother worked with him
<Sherwood> oh
<Sherwood> so blame your brother
<Sherwood> the bastard!
<Sherwood> so why would he want to break up with you, did you cook for him?
<BELLA_01> i should
<Sherwood> did you fix him hot meals?
<BELLA_01> i did everything
<Sherwood> REALLY?!
<BELLA_01> yep
<Sherwood> so you're the Queen of the Kitchen?
<Sherwood> to me, THAT is the sexiest thing
<BELLA_01> he was too much of a computer freak
<Sherwood> what a loser
<Sherwood> never let your computer get in the way of a good steak
<Sherwood> i love a woman who cooks
<Sherwood> especially bare footed

<BELLA_01> tooo bloody cold for no socks here
<BELLA_01> i hope u dont forget your wife in the kitchen while you're on the net
<Sherwood> wow
<Sherwood> never
<Sherwood> the sexiest perfume is bbq sauce
<BELLA_01> hahahaahh
<BELLA_01> you've tried that then
<Sherwood> you sound like a good woman, i'm sure you'll find a good guy
<Sherwood> plus you're young, you cook, what else could a man want!
<BELLA_01> i hope so
<Sherwood> plus you claim not to smell
<Sherwood> you're the total package!
<Sherwood> you'll see
<BELLA_01> they r all a bit picky here
<BELLA_01> you're a real laugh
<Sherwood> why thank you
<BELLA_01> excellent sense of humour

Even though spelling in the British manner is one of my pet peeves, I overlooked it because she was so cool

<Sherwood> if you get a chance would you check out my website?
<Sherwood> it's www.hogwild.net
<Sherwood> my dream is to become a big famous comedian
<BELLA_01> of course i was just going to ask that
<Sherwood> then i'll get a sitcom
<Sherwood> then it will get cancelled
<Sherwood> then i'll be foreced to do 1-800-Collect commercials
<Sherwood> so what's your dream?
<Sherwood> what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?
<BELLA_01> my dream is to be successful as a person
<Sherwood> c'mon, that's too noble
<Sherwood> don't you have any greedy goals?
<BELLA_01> i would love to be a common star
<Sherwood> what's a common star?
<BELLA_01> not good looking enuff
<Sherwood> like one of the cast of Friends?

<BELLA_01> yeah that would be excellent
<Sherwood> why do you say that?
<Sherwood> do you have a big nose?
<BELLA_01> no
<Sherwood> bc men will overlook that if you make a mean corn on the cob
<Sherwood> are you chunky?
<Sherwood> chunky isn't bad
<BELLA_01> i'm pretty but a bit tall and broad
<Sherwood> what's wrong with that?
<Sherwood> unless you're like 6'8
<Sherwood> are you 6'8"?
<Sherwood> i don't know how tall that is in meters or anything
<BELLA_01> people over here prefer Elle mcpherson look alikes
<Sherwood> well who doesn't.

<Sherwood> but i bet you she doesnt cook!
<BELLA_01> i am 6 ft
<Sherwood> 6 ft!
<Sherwood> that's awesome!
<Sherwood> american men will kill for you
<Sherwood> they'd kill pigeons and people for you
<BELLA_01> i will have to move then
<Sherwood> you need a man who is over 6 ft then
<Sherwood> unless he is comfortable
<BELLA_01> you really will become a comedian then
<Sherwood> but a lot of shorter men like a taller woman
<Sherwood> i mean i would
<Sherwood> bc when you dance, you can lay your head right in her bosoms!
<Sherwood> 6 ft
<BELLA_01> is your wife like that

<Sherwood> my wifey is like 5 ft 9inches

<Sherwood> hmm, are you under 300 pounds?
<BELLA_01> i've certainly got lots of padding what is 300 pounds in kilos
<Sherwood> geez, i'm american
<Sherwood> icant do math
<Sherwood> kilos are 2.2 pounds
<Sherwood> so um it's like 150 kilos
<Sherwood> i think
<BELLA_01> i am about 98 kilos
<Sherwood> so that lke about 200
<Sherwood> but for 6 ft tall
<Sherwood> that might mean you are voluptuous
<BELLA_01> yep
<Sherwood> as in you pack back
<Sherwood> or as jerry springer says, You got Junk in the trunk
<BELLA_01> what??
<Sherwood> but as long as it's not falling out the sides
<Sherwood> it sounds bad
<Sherwood> but it's good
<BELLA_01> hahahahah
<BELLA_01> cant be boney
<Sherwood> but who cares?
<Sherwood> you cook!
<Sherwood> what's your best dish?
<Sherwood> honestly, i'd get with any bim, even 300 pounds if she'd cook great meals 7 days a week
<BELLA_01> yep lasagna
<Sherwood> lasagna
<BELLA_01> steak
<Sherwood> i LOVE lasagna
<Sherwood> steak!
<Sherwood> yes yes!
<Sherwood> see you need to get yourself a lace apron from victoria's secret and cook up a meal for a man
<BELLA_01> roast pork n vegies
<Sherwood> then you will have him on lock
<Sherwood> you're making me HOT HOT HOT!
<BELLA_01> i'll try that
<Sherwood> slow down baby
<BELLA_01> go n see your wifey then
<Sherwood> so you like to let the sauce SIMMER?
<Sherwood> she's sleeping
<BELLA_01> no boil
<Sherwood> i'm downloading pictures of food
<Sherwood> boil, yes boil in its own juices
<Sherwood> so wet, so hot, so tasty!
<Sherwood> see, i told you wasn't normal
<Sherwood> we gotta get you a man
<Sherwood> bc you're too good to be single
<Sherwood> that's a darn shame
<BELLA_01> talking of sleep. i have to work in the morning (sunday every weekend)
<Sherwood> why?
<Sherwood> work is for women who can't cook
<Sherwood> you need a man to take care of you
<Sherwood> let you sleep in
<BELLA_01> i do please
<BELLA_01> find me one
<Sherwood> should i put out a notice on my site?
<BELLA_01> ok
<Sherwood> cool
<Sherwood> and I will do my best to find you a suitable nub
<Sherwood> have a good night!
<BELLA_01> please keep in touch it has been great talking to you
<Sherwood> ok
<Sherwood> bye bye
<BELLA_01> :)
BELLA wants a good honest nub! Are there any out there? If you think you iz, email HogWild: hogwild@hogwild.net  I will forward it to Bella.







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HOGWILD.NET  semi-hilarious comedy: funny chats, girl jokes and funny pictures