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Best of HogWild's FUNNY CHATS

From time to time HogWild will log on to various Chats, mostly regarding subjects he knows little or nothing about.  So in an effort to proclaim his stupidity, we present to you another inane conversation with HogWild.

Some of you think I'm anti-fat people. That's not true. I'm anti-BFN (Big Fat Nasties). Ya know, Fat People who are all slovenly with spaghetti hanging out of their mouths and who keep an emergency candy bar behind their ear.

In fact, it is my aspiration to one day become so obese that I'll need to install radar to locate the exact coordinates of my jammy so I can pee. But before I can get fat, I need to get rich. Because to be rich and fat is to be a King. Broke and fat is to be a Trailer Park Prince. So here I go barging in on the barges chatting in the BBW-(big beautiful women)-Over-40 Chat room. I'm the one chatting with the nick Sherwood.

This first part is in the General Chat Room

<Hilda-RI^> hi sherwood
<`lila``> hiya sherwood 
<sherwood> hi fatty! 

Probably not a good start...

<iowapoohbear> hi david and sherwood
<David_60> hi all
<sherwood> anyone here over 3 bills?
<steve^3P0> 3 bills?
<`lila``> sherwood - what's your problem??
*** Tempus has joined #bbw_over40
<sherwood> no problem!
<sherwood> i wouldn't be here if i had one!
<sherwood> just looking for a nice bbw
<sherwood> to chat with
<jtinVegas> Hi Alissa``
*** David_60 has left #bbw_over40
<jtinVegas> hi `lila``
<sherwood> i'm looking for someone with cheeseburger cheeks
<sherwood> anyone here?
<ToxicBBW> someone better hold me back....
<sherwood> is anyone else here tired of the endless parade of anorexics on TV?
<sherwood> why aren't well-rounded women on TV more?
<sherwood> like Ally McBeal
<sherwood> real women dont look like that
<sherwood> the women i like have legs bigger than her whole twiggy body
<sherwood> anyone here like pork?
<sherwood> chocolate-covered pork?
<sherwood> mmmm, the best!
* `lila`` puts sherwood the jerk on /ignore
<iowapoohbear> hi lubbockangel
<sherwood> oh
* Miss^Appanoose tugs at Hilda-RI^"s sleeve and puts in a request for a possible kick

Miss^Appanoose is trying to kick me out of the chat room. For her, BBW means Big BITCHY Woman!

<sherwood> be nice
<Hilda-RI^> uh huh
<sherwood> i'm looking to chat like everyone else
<sherwood> its friday night here and i just broke up with my girlfriend
<jtinVegas> well this got serious quick......................
<Alissa``> I see the kick coming too lol
<sherwood> i;m looking to get out and meet someone new
<Tempus> I am just gonna sit and watch
<Alissa``> he is going to sink his own ship lol
<Tempus> SHipwrecked
<ToxicBBW> we're individuals here sherwood; we have brains and hearts and souls and we are appreciated for more than our cheeseburger cheeks...
<sherwood> if you cant take a compliment...
<ToxicBBW> I'll bet ya three bills ya did! :) 
<sherwood> i mean, the NAME of this room is BBW!
<sherwood> we are supposed to be proud!

Enough of that, I needed to chat with some individual BBW's. First I tried that mean, meaty mama, Miss Appanoose...

<sherwood> hi miss appanoose
<sherwood> do you have an appanoose caboose?
<sherwood> is it loose?
<sherwood> like a goose?
<sherwood> is it over 300 double-deuce?
<sherwood> let's call a truce
<sherwood> as i seduce
<sherwood> and call out like the mating moose

But she wouldn't respond! But the next BBW I introduced myself to was really cool. We had some good convo, peep this:

<sherwood> hi saydie
<sherwood> are you a bbw?
<sherwood> bc i'm a bbw-lover!
<Saydie> yeah i guess
<sherwood> i appreciate a woman with some curves
<sherwood> and one who has intelligence!
<Saydie> hoping to get rid of mine some day....
<sherwood> you WANT to be skinny?!
<sherwood> why, what dont you like about your looks?
<Saydie> i dont like being fat... dont want to be skinny either.... would rather be 150-80 then 380....
<sherwood> you're 380?
<sherwood> how tall are you?
<Saydie> not any more.... i have lost 40...
<Saydie> i am 5'6"
<sherwood> a lot depends on how your body is distributed
<sherwood> are you proportioned the way you would like to be?
<Saydie> not distributed very well....
<sherwood> are you trying to lose your gutski?
<sherwood> or do you just have a little extra cushion for the pushin'?
<Saydie> well yeah i am trying.... now i have to... had surgery
<sherwood> surgery!
<sherwood> what for?!
<Saydie> had my stomach reduced and small intestine bypassed
<sherwood> wow, that's serious stuff
<sherwood> i didn't even know you could do that
<sherwood> was it painful?

<Saydie> yep
<sherwood> so do you have less hunger cravings now?
<Saydie> not the way i had it done... it was dont larthoscopic
<Saydie> for now i am not so hungry... and i dont eat very much either...
<sherwood> so you had them suck the cheese out your corndogs...
<sherwood> is this healthy?
<sherwood> are you exercising?
<Saydie> i am walking
<sherwood> that's good
<sherwood> losing 40 pounds is amazing!
<sherwood> you should be on that Subway commercial...
<Saydie> yeah that was at 7 weeks after the surgery
<sherwood> what was the most you weighed?
<Saydie> 380 was the most
<sherwood> my ex-girlfriend was bigger
<sherwood> she was a quarter-pounder
<sherwood> quarter-ton
<sherwood> 500 pounds
<sherwood> but she was sweet
<sherwood> when i met she was only 410
<Saydie> ohhh my....
<sherwood> she didnt like to exercise much
<sherwood> except to go to the fridge
<sherwood> but even that wasnt a very far walk since she kept an icebox next to the bed
<sherwood> but that's over now
<Saydie> i didn't want to be that way
<sherwood> i dont blame you
<sherwood> i loved her, but it was a difficult situation
<Saydie> sorry to hear that....
<Saydie> how old are u??
<sherwood> a lot of time she'd lose the remote control in the cushions
<sherwood> her cushions
<sherwood> i'm 29

I figured I should make myself older since this an Over_40 chat room. Would she go for a "young" stallion?

<sherwood> and yourself?
<Saydie> old.. 40
<sherwood> thats not old
<sherwood> i prefer a more mature woman
<Saydie> compared to you i am :)
<sherwood> better sense of self
<sherwood> emotionally stable

yeah, blah blah blah-- the only good thing about a single older woman is that she's desperate to please because she knows this might be her last shot. That means home cookin' and laundry!

<sherwood> so are you married?
<Saydie> ohhhh no so sure about the emotionally stable part....lol
<sherwood> :)
<Saydie> nope not married
<sherwood> were you ever?
<Saydie> yes... i was married for 8 years... have two sons 21 and 17

<sherwood> i've never been, but i was pretty serious with my last gf
<sherwood> will you marry again do you think? do you want to?
<Saydie> haven't been serious with anyone since then.... been 14 years.....
<sherwood> wow
<Saydie> yeah i would like to marry again... or live with someone....

<sherwood> so besides walking, what is your strategy to lose the weight you want?
<sherwood> have you tried Taebo?
<sherwood> i ordered the tapes for my ex
<Saydie> right now just walking... maybe another 50 pounds or so might try the richard simmons tape i have....
<sherwood> she didnt do the exercises. she said the taebo guy made her hungry for tootsie rolls
<Saydie> that's too bad...
<sherwood> its hard to lose weight but it sounds like you're doing great
<Saydie> thanks
<sherwood> i wish my Missy had the drive that you have
<sherwood> on the rare occasion we would go out in public, we would go to the movies
<sherwood> we'd have to show up extra early so we could get special seats-- 3 for her and 2 for her popcorn and snacks
<Saydie> maybe when she gets older she will.... and gets lonely....
<sherwood> no she's not alone
<sherwood> she left me for another man
<sherwood> she said i wasn't skinny enough
<sherwood> she likes really thin guys
<Saydie> our movies would never have a seat for her....
<Saydie> how much do you weigh???
<Saydie> where would she meet someone???
<sherwood> 98 pounds
<sherwood> actually, i'm up to about 103 now i believe
<Saydie> and you aren't skinny enough???
<sherwood> i starved myself for her
<Saydie> you need some more meat :)
<sherwood> people do crazy things for love-- i'm no exception
<sherwood> i'm working on it
<Saydie> how tall are u???
<sherwood> 6'2
<Saydie> ohhhh my :((((
<sherwood> they guy she's with now is 6'4 and is probably 90 pounds
<sherwood> what can you do?
<sherwood> i finally said, i can't change for you anymore
<sherwood> there's only so much i can do
<Saydie> i understand
<sherwood> so she packed her bags of beef-jerky and bottles of pig's-feet and left
<sherwood> as you can tell, i'm still a bit emotional over it all
<Saydie> you will be better without her... especially health wise :)
<sherwood> i hope so
<sherwood> my doctor said my lungs were about to expunge my epidermis

I don't even know if that makes sense. But it sounded medical.

<sherwood> scary
<sherwood> he put me on a high-fat diet
<Saydie> eat some pasta and meat :)))
<sherwood> i'm eating everything i can, but its hard
<sherwood> i've been training myself not to eat at all for so long
<Saydie> yeah it will be hard... just take your time :)
<sherwood> my stomach is much smaller than it should be
<Saydie> eat lots of meals...
<sherwood> i've been drinking thick milk shakes with raw eggs, sticks of butter, and chocolate chips
<sherwood> i even have boxes of frozen lard-on-a-stick 
<Saydie> ewwwww....
<sherwood> yeah
<Saydie> i would just stick with lots of pasta, rice.... and all the protien ya can handle....
<sherwood> what do you like to eat?
<Saydie> mexian is my favorite.... but will probably eat anything... lol
<sherwood> i used to love mexican!
<sherwood> now i LOOK like a starving mexican!
<Saydie> mexican food is great for adding on pounds :))
<sherwood> i've been going to taco bell
<sherwood> burritos
<Saydie> that's good... :)
<sherwood> and now i always have cheese with every meal
<sherwood> but its so depressing
<sherwood> bc Missy used to eat cheese with every meal too
<Saydie> ahhh i see... yeah that can be hard.... 
<sherwood> sometimes when we would go out to eat she would order salad, then put extra cheese on top, then a steak with cheese-fries, cheesecake for dessert and a diet coke
<sherwood> but i'm moving on with my life
<Saydie> that's good :))
<sherwood> so if you dont like being heavy, how did you get that heavy in the first place?
<Saydie> sounds like you need to move on.. :)
<Saydie> i am one of those that when i am upset of nervous i eat... and i love food...
<sherwood> i see
<sherwood> when i'm nervous or bored I like to clean
<Saydie> ohhhhh i hate cleaning....
<Saydie> there ya go... i'll cook you clean :)
<sherwood> maybe you can channel your nervous energy into something healthy-- like gardening or making naked sculptures out of clay
<sherwood> one time i was so upset i cleaned my entire place
<Saydie> ohhh i get bored with gardening.... naked sculptures in clay.... hmmmm maybe.... lol
<sherwood> my toilet bowl was so shiny i thought i could see God in the water
<sherwood> i even cleaned out the gunk between every key in my computer keyboard
<Saydie> sounds like to me you will make someone a great partner :))
<sherwood> i vacuumed the phone
<sherwood> thanks
<sherwood> its too bad we're going in opposite directions though
<sherwood> i'm really attracted to women who are big
<Saydie> nahh... you can eat what i cant.... kinda like that nursery rhym :)
<sherwood> my fantasy is to be in the embrace of a woman who is so large, it's like i'm a baby kangaroo in the pouch
<Saydie> jack sprat could eat no lean and his wife could eat no fat... lolol
<sherwood> yeah, something like that
<sherwood> i like a woman who has no knuckles
<sherwood> just big fleshy fins
<Saydie> ohhh... that's ok :)
<sherwood> hands like sponge
<sherwood> i bet when you're down to 180 your friends won't even recognize you!
<sherwood> you'll have to throw away all your parachute panties
<Saydie> i hope they do :) actually that is what i weighed when i was married...
<sherwood> and you can sell off your old jeans to the local boy scout troop as a tent
<Saydie> liked that weight much better... and being big boned i will still be a big person....
<Saydie> i dont have any jeans...
<sherwood> you went from 180 to 380!
<sherwood> what do you wear?
<sherwood> dresses, slacks?
<Saydie> yeah stretch slacks....
<Saydie> yeah i went from 180 to 380
<sherwood> Missy used to wear a one-piece smock sort of thing. nothing else fit. sort of like a giant bib is what is was.
<sherwood> in how long a period did you gain the weight?
<Saydie> yeah i can imagine.... it took me 21 years... the worst was the last 10
<sherwood> if you dont like being big, why did it take you until 380 to decide to make a change?
<Saydie> i have always tried... just couldn't do it...
<sherwood> so the procedure has been the turning point?
<Saydie> yes... i guess my last shot at being healthy and happy again...
<sherwood> Missy tried to lose weight once. she said he wanted to know where her wrists and elbows were supposed to be
<sherwood> didnt last though
<sherwood> next day she's back to eating caramel-dipped sausage for breakfast...
<sherwood> i'm 100% certain that you'll lose the weight you want
<sherwood> you sound determined
<Saydie> i always got discouraged... would lose 70+ and couldnt stay on it anymore...
<sherwood> never get discouraged!
<sherwood> its your life and your body
<sherwood> if you really want to look a certain way you can do it
<sherwood> its 90% in your mind
<sherwood> the hardest part is committing to your plan
<sherwood> the other 10% is biological--metabolism, cravings, etc
<sherwood> you can do it

Now I'm Mister Motivation. This woman was so nice I really hope she makes her goal. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop running my jokes. 

<sherwood> i wish you wouldnt but i know you can
<Saydie> well with the stomach reduction it is forcing me to do it... and the intestines being rearranged i cant have sugars... or i will get sick...
<sherwood> ooh
<sherwood> so do you poop a lot more now?
<Saydie> nope... less... i'm only eating a few onces three times a day
<sherwood> i see...
<sherwood> do you supplement with vitamins?
<Saydie> yes... and calcium
<sherwood> what do you do for taste? Are you allowed to at least chew some cherry pie if you promise to spit it out?
<Saydie> lol... i dont know.. that is what my old boss asked me.... 
<sherwood> they say the first thing to go on a diet are a woman's breasts. is that true for you? have you noticed a reduction?
<Saydie> nope i haven't noticed just there.... more in the shoulders right now i have noticed...
<sherwood> may i ask what bra size you're at now?
<sherwood> that's odd, Missy gained at least 5 cups sizes
<Saydie> 46c

That's actually very small for snuggle-bubbles. Think about it. She's 340 pounds! 46 is the size around her back. C is the the cup size. C is a nice size for a bim who weighs ONE-FORTY. She's right, she's poorly proportioned. That sucks. You figure the one benefit to having 200 pounds of unnecessary fat would be that some of it would sink between your armpits and give you bigger breasts.

<sherwood> Missy had to get her bras custom-manufactured
<sherwood> very expensive
<sherwood> She  was 80GG i think
<sherwood> something like that
<Saydie> she was big all around.....
<sherwood> she had back pains
<sherwood> yes all around-- emphasis on round
<Saydie> the stomach i am sure would have been a problem too on the back....
<Saydie> how did you even have sex...???

I was so busy running my stupidity that I totally didn't even see her question! Would've been some good convo. Oh well.

<sherwood> and her back-fat caused problems with her back
<sherwood> she's 500 pounds you know
<sherwood> i remember once i gave her a massage... i nearly lost a hand in her flesh
<sherwood> ah those were the days
<sherwood> do you have cottage cheese thighs or have you already worked those off too?
<Saydie> haven't worked much of anything off...
<sherwood> you said you lost 40 pounds. that's a lot!
<sherwood> if i lost 40 pounds i'd OWE some weight 

<Saydie> yeah but i still have a lot more on me....
<sherwood> just keep at it
<sherwood> what area do you most want to lose?
<Saydie> my stomach is way too big....
<sherwood> is your belly button really deep
<Saydie> i guess it is...
<sherwood> well is it a 2 knuckler?
<sherwood> or 3?
<sherwood> after adding a little water, would a goldfish be comfortable?
<Saydie> only to my first knuckle
<sherwood> oh only ONE knuckle!
<sherwood> that's shallow waters! :)
<sherwood> are you doing ab crunches?
<Saydie> nope... only walking so far
<sherwood> have you considered lipo to suck the cream out of the twinkies?
<Saydie> i am sure i will have to have some plastic surgery to get rid of the extra skin and stuff later...
<sherwood> dont even worry about that now
<Saydie> but have to pay for that on my own... my insurance wont pay for it :((
<sherwood> why not!
<sherwood> its a health issue
<sherwood> its not purely cosmetic
<Saydie> doesn't matter... they consider it plastic unnecessary
<sherwood> so they just want you to walk around like a saggy pachyderm? After you lose all those pounds you'll need someone to carry your deflated butt around like the train of a wedding dress
<Saydie> i will figure something out :))
<Saydie> maybe get a rich husband :)
<sherwood> and they'll probably have to staple your face to your neck
<sherwood> your cheeks will get thinner
<Saydie> yep
<sherwood> i like a girl with chubby ears. are your ears chubby?
<Saydie> just the lobes
<sherwood> aaah. nice.
<sherwood> kissing a gal with chubby ears is like sucking on prime rib
<sherwood> tender and meaty
<Saydie> ohhhh ok :)
<Saydie> my lobes were big when i weighed 180... lol
<sherwood> when i get freaky i dont use whipped cream, i pour on A-1 sauce :)
<Saydie> lol
<sherwood> let me ask you this... Missy had lots of trouble using the bathroom because her ass looked like a melting vanilla wedding cake. are you that size now where you find it difficult to sit on the toilet?
<Saydie> no never had that problem...
<sherwood> thank goodness
<sherwood> Missy's rectangular rump would hang over the sides of the bowl
<sherwood> i have to admit, that part about being 500 pounds is not the most attractive
<Saydie> nope... i wouldn't think so...
<sherwood> then again she didn't go much with such a large large intestine. i think if she wanted to she could hibernate for a few seasons and be o.k.
<sherwood> when you do your walking do you like to walk outdoors?
<sherwood> or in a gym, at home?
<Saydie> well right now i am walking at the mall...
<sherwood> not to the food court i hope :)
<Saydie> walking for about 1/2 twice a week
<sherwood> though i do love the Original Cookie Factory
<sherwood> why don't you walk every day?
<sherwood> take a stroll in the park
<Saydie> no food court in this mall... :)
<sherwood> get a dog and walk the dog every day
<Saydie> i dont know... i like walking with someone and dont have anyone else i can bug to walk with me...
<sherwood> make sure to get a big dog. it would look silly if a 300 pound woman was walking with 3 pound poodle
<Saydie> i had a dog... but i had to put her asleep last september .....
<sherwood> nobody at work?
<sherwood> i'm sorry.
<sherwood> what was wrong with your dog?
<sherwood> did you step on it?
<sherwood> Missy once stepped on her dog.
<sherwood> broke its hind legs.
<Saydie> she was 13 years old and her tumor went to her lungs.... she was a chow chow...
<sherwood> oooh. that's really sad.
<Saydie> yeah she was my protector 
<sherwood> have you thought about getting a new dog?
<Saydie> yeah but got too many cats now :((
<sherwood> ah cats. you dont want cats. cats are for elderly women who play too many scratch-off lotto games.
<sherwood> you need a good dog.
<sherwood> dogs are such good companions
<sherwood> cats are so superficial
<sherwood> they act all sweet, but they talk behind your back. trust me. i know.
<Saydie> i would like to get another... i miss my cider... she was my rock sometimes.... she listened to all my complaining and crying...
<sherwood> dogs are great.
<sherwood> Cider is a cute name.
<Saydie> yeah all the cats like everyone here but me.... lol
<sherwood> everyone? are you living in some sort of brothel?
<Saydie> actually her name was cider saydie.... he hair was like the color of apple cider :)
<sherwood> cute
<Saydie> my two kids and my parents live here with me....

Yikes! A divorced 340 pound woman with kids who lives with her parents! There's a catch! Though you'll need a whale-net if you want to reel her in.

<sherwood> oh ok
<sherwood> that's a busy household
<Saydie> yeah... tell me about it...
<Saydie> no privacy.... 
<sherwood> are your parents able to walk much? bc they could go with you occasionally
<Saydie> my dad works 10+ hours aday... so he isn't in the mood... and my mom cant walk well... lost part of her foot to diabetis...
<sherwood> so push mom around in a wheelchair
<sherwood> sometimes i would walk and pull Missy around in a red wheelbarrow
<sherwood> that was after she got too big for her chair
<Saydie> she has volunteered this... but to do it at the mall would mean she would have to drive into town and extra trip....
<sherwood> maybe you can take up a sport
<sherwood> like lacrosse
<sherwood> or shotput
<sherwood> or mudwrestling
<Saydie> no lacrosse teams around here.... i can do the exercise scene :)
<sherwood> or something simple like yoga
<sherwood> or hiking
<sherwood> biking?
<Saydie> will have to wait on the biking... too big for that yet....
<sherwood> ooh! i figured out a way for you and your mom to exercise together!
<sherwood> Rollerblading
<Saydie> lol
<sherwood> no feet required. just strap on the skates and you're off!
<sherwood> its easier than it looks too
<Saydie> not my mom.... lol
<sherwood> and its great exercise
<sherwood> sure your mom can do it!
<Saydie> no... she has problems just standing up....
<sherwood> i saw this 87 year old woman on TV pull an 18-wheeler with her dentures
<sherwood> surely your mom can do a little skating
<sherwood> maybe she has problems standing up bc she has no where to go
<sherwood> this might really galvanize her
<sherwood> just try it once
<Saydie> she has problems with her back too....
<sherwood> you'll see how addicting it is
<Saydie> will think about it :)
<sherwood> look, i'm not saying she should compete in full-contact roller-derby, just roll her downhill to start
<sherwood> its exhilarating!
<Saydie> she wont do it ...
<sherwood> well, ok, just an idea
<sherwood> my other idea was that you could go rowing
<sherwood> rowing a boat is tremendous exercise
<sherwood> plus it will tone your arms and back
<Saydie> i live way out in the boonies.... would have to get a rowing machine.... lol
<sherwood> that's no fun
<sherwood> i guess you can row in the tub
<Saydie> lol
<sherwood> i need to hit the hay Saydie
<sherwood> its been really nice chatting with you
<Saydie> nice to have met you :)
<Saydie> nite nite *HUGS*

That was the end of the conversation as her HUG smothered me and I expired in her fat-sealed, airless death-trap.

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