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Best of HogWild's FUNNY CHATS

From time to time HogWild will log on to various Chats, mostly regarding subjects he knows little or nothing about.  So in an effort to proclaim his stupidity, we present to you another inane conversation with HogWild.


HogWild as Sherwood, chatting with a (GASP) "normal" person called Ms Green. Wait 'til she gets a load of the abnormal Sherwood.

<sherwood> so what make you so Green?
<sherwood> are you amphibious?
<sherwood> i'm ambidextrous
<sherwood> but i dont think that's relevant
<Ms^Green> i'm mildewed from the wet location i live in
<sherwood> i'm in Dayton, Ohio!
<sherwood> the media mecca of the midwest
<sherwood> you live in a swamp?
<sherwood> i used to live a swamp-like environment

<Ms^Green> ewwwww...where?
<sherwood> bugs all around
<sherwood> disease
<sherwood> but then I moved on up out the Bronx

<Ms^Green> i'm in oregon
<sherwood> OREGON!
<sherwood> I LOVE oregon!

<Ms^Green> me too
<sherwood> it's much better than octagon
<sherwood> then pentagon
<sherwood> oregon is cool
<Ms^Green> do you come to oregon often?
<sherwood> i've never been
<sherwood> but i wish i could go
<sherwood> i mean, all those beautiful places
<sherwood> like um,
<sherwood> Portland!
<sherwood> are you near Portland?

<Ms^Green> yes...about 12 miles south
<sherwood> and does Portland even have a Port?
<Ms^Green> yes it does
<sherwood> is it a nice city?
<sherwood> It's about the size of Cleveland, right?
<Ms^Green> quite nice, as far as cities go
<sherwood> i heard it's just like Cleveland except it's cleaner
<sherwood> better run
<sherwood> and the people can read

<Ms^Green> i've never been to cleveland
<sherwood> Cleveland is okay
<sherwood> it's kinda like Anchorage
<sherwood> but colder
<Ms^Green> lol

<sherwood> if you ever visit
<sherwood> you have to visit the Flats
<sherwood> that's where all the drunken meat heads go
<sherwood> to meet drunken floozies
<sherwood> it's very popular
<sherwood> and then there are 3000 coffee houses in Coventry
<sherwood> it's an artsy area for people who are scared of the People in the Flats
<Ms^Green> wow
<sherwood> so where are the cool places in Portland?
<Ms^Green> sounds interesting
<Ms^Green> it depends on what you want to do....ppl here are really into nature and outdoors activities
<sherwood> not me
<sherwood> i'm scared of treees
<sherwood> trees are evil
<sherwood> i hope they cut down ALL the rainforests!
<sherwood> some people dont know this but
<sherwood> dinosaurs didnt become extinct because of some meteor
<sherwood> or climate change
<sherwood> it was the Trees
<sherwood> think about it
<sherwood> what has been around since day 1
<sherwood> TREES!
<sherwood> where did Eve get the Apple?
<sherwood> an EVIL TREE!
<sherwood> They're quiet and all
<sherwood> but it's always the quiet ones, isn't it?
<Ms^Green> that was a metaphor
<sherwood> metaphor!
<sherwood> HA!
<sherwood> Trees kill!
<sherwood> my best friend got killed by a tree
<sherwood> his car was assaulted by a big tree
<sherwood> split his car in half
<sherwood> Trees like to attack drunk drivers
<Ms^Green> that's tragic
<sherwood> well, at least there's no Trees in Heaven
<sherwood> do you believe in Heaven?
<Ms^Green> so to speak
<sherwood> so you don't
<sherwood> its okay not to believe in Heaven
<sherwood> but you know why the Angels have wings?
<sherwood> so they dont have to climb trees
<sherwood> they just float on up
<Ms^Green> never thought of it that way
<sherwood> have you ever carved your initials into a tree?
<sherwood> maybe Ms^Green loves Mr^Green
<sherwood> something like that?
<Ms^Green> no, never have
<sherwood> thank GOD!
<sherwood> because they would get you back
<sherwood> r e v e n g e
<Ms^Green> i have great respect for trees
<sherwood> a healthy respect is good
<sherwood> more like fear . . .
<sherwood> ever see a winter tree in the dark of night?
<sherwood> scary huh?
<sherwood> yes
<sherwood> trees are evil
<Ms^Green> no, not scary
<sherwood> they are alive!
<sherwood> they bleed sap
<Ms^Green> of course they are alive
<sherwood> you cut off their arm
<sherwood> and it GROWS BACK!
<sherwood> AAAAAH!
<sherwood> that's SCARY!

So now she must be thinking, "is he in need of powerful medication, or is he just an idiot?"

<Ms^Green> i think that's amazing
<sherwood> so do you believe that God is a Tree?
<sherwood> you seem to not believe in an All Mighty Creator
<sherwood> is this true
<sherwood> i mean, i'm no Jesus freak
<Ms^Green> no, not true at all
<sherwood> bc I dont trust no dude who makes us dress up a TREE on his birthday!
<sherwood> you seem to be level headed person
<sherwood> let see if I can guess your occupation

Oh boy, seems Hog has mistaken his PSYCHO powers for PSYCHIC powers.

<sherwood> is that okay?
<Ms^Green> sure...go ahead
<sherwood> school teacher
<Ms^Green> no
<sherwood> hmm
<sherwood> nurse
<Ms^Green> no
<sherwood> osteopathic surgeon
<sherwood> copy editor
<Ms^Green> now how did you guess!?!
<sherwood> no!
<sherwood> serious?
<sherwood> you're a surgeon!
<Ms^Green> no :P
<sherwood> copy editor huh?
<Ms^Green> no
<sherwood> oh
<Ms^Green> still want to guess or would you like for me to tell you?
<sherwood> ok, i'll keep guessing
<sherwood> tell me if i get warm!
<sherwood> pizza pie contruction engineer
<Ms^Green> closer w/ the editor than anything else so far
<sherwood> computer programmer
<Ms^Green> no
<sherwood> webmaster person
<Ms^Green> no
<sherwood> writer
<sherwood> freelance writer for magazines about foot fetishes
<sherwood> cartoonist!
<Ms^Green> gawd...yer AMAZING!
<sherwood> writer?
<sherwood> the AMAZING SHERWOOD!
<sherwood> so what kind of stuff do you write?
<sherwood> i like to write too
<sherwood> and draw
<sherwood> with both i use crayons
<sherwood> my favorite color is plum
<Ms^Green> i'm kidding
<sherwood> oh
<sherwood> ok
<sherwood> Construction worker
<sherwood> hmm, exotic midget dancer
<Ms^Green> lol
<sherwood> Quality Assurance for an American Car Company
<Ms^Green> no
<sherwood> um, Detective
<sherwood> recording artist
<sherwood> Pop-Country crossover stuff
<Ms^Green> all very interesting and wrong
<sherwood> your real name is Shania TWAIN!
<sherwood> no?
<sherwood> gosh, i thought i had it!
<Ms^Green> lol
<sherwood> ok, give me a little bitty hint
<Ms^Green> paper work is involved
<sherwood> ok
<sherwood> IRS agent
<sherwood> Cubicle Queen!
<sherwood> Executive Receptionist
<sherwood> Document Shredder for the CIA
<Ms^Green> one is partially right
<sherwood> well, i'm partially dumb, so which one?
<Ms^Green> or...another way to look @ it, is partially bright
<sherwood> that would be the WRONG way to look at it
<sherwood> i've been dumb since 5th grade
<sherwood> see, in 4th grade i was smart
<sherwood> i could spell
<sherwood> i knew my multiplication tables
<sherwood> i even read books!
<sherwood> but then the evil Japanese conspiracy conquered my resistance!
<sherwood> Nintendo
<sherwood> I got addicted
<sherwood> i stopped doing homework
<sherwood> i stopped eating, sleeping, sometimes breathing
<sherwood> Super Mario was my life
<sherwood> but i'm clean now
<sherwood> you can trust me
<sherwood> i'm clean
<Ms^Green> how long have you been video-free?
<sherwood> it's been 3 hours and 33 minutes
<Ms^Green> how ya handlin' it?
<sherwood> My thumbs tend to twitch uncontrollably
<sherwood> my eyes are permanently glazed
<Ms^Green> tsk, tsk
<Ms^Green> 'tis a shame
<sherwood> so what is your occupation
<sherwood> i'm out of guesses
<sherwood> no more lifelines
<sherwood> i lose the million bucks
<Ms^Green> i'm a credit analyst
<sherwood> OOOOOHH!
<sherwood> i KNEW IT!
<sherwood> that was my next guess after
<sherwood> SuperHero!
<sherwood> thats such a COOL JOB!
<sherwood> you get to be in everybody's business!
<Ms^Green> lol!
<sherwood> do you ever turn down good credit customers just for fun
<sherwood> like, sorry Mr. Smith but
<Ms^Green> no...why would i do that?
<sherwood> your credit has been
<sherwood> DENIED!!!!
<sherwood> for fun!
<sherwood> for the look on their face
<Ms^Green> i work in the commercial field...i deal w/ businesses
<sherwood> oh but Ms Green I've never had a late payment!
<sherwood> i have a steady job
<sherwood> i help the boy scouts
<Ms^Green> lol
<sherwood> then you stamp a big LOSER on their forehead
<sherwood> so do yoiu analyze for regualr people or businesses?
<Ms^Green> i said earlier...business
<sherwood> oh
<Ms^Green> silly
<sherwood> so do you have any hobbies?
<sherwood> i collect ladybugs
<sherwood> but i dont eat them or nothin'
<sherwood> i swear, I DONT EAT THEM
<sherwood> not even with chocolate

<Ms^Green> i should hope not!

<Ms^Green> i'm a sports mom
<sherwood> soccer?
<sherwood> soccer moms are sexy
<sherwood> i'm not trying to hit on you
<Ms^Green> no....baseball, basketball and football
<Ms^Green> soccer moms?

<sherwood> its just a cultural phenomenon
<sherwood> are your kids any good?
<sherwood> i was a reserve all-star in little league in 1987
<sherwood> i didnt get an official at bat, but i got a plaque!
<sherwood> i was the 7th outfielder
<Ms^Green> my son does well is all of them, although it was his first year of football...
<sherwood> do you cheer for your kid even if he like strikes out
<Ms^Green> 7th outfielder?
<sherwood> my dad used to not admit i was his son
<sherwood> because i struck out a lot
<Ms^Green> i'm sure
<sherwood> he would show up
<sherwood> and just hide his face
<sherwood> i would say THAT'S MY DAD
<sherwood> with the paper bag on his head
<Ms^Green> ohmigawd!
<Ms^Green> you're terrible :P
<sherwood> no my dad is
<sherwood> it hasnt adversely affected me tho
<sherwood> its good that you support your son
<sherwood> my mom took me jock-strap shopping
<Ms^Green> oh no!
<sherwood> she INSISTED i get the small
<sherwood> i cried my eyes out
<Ms^Green> how old were you?
<sherwood> because this girl i liked was there with us
<sherwood> 17
<Ms^Green> no way
<sherwood> i got the one recommended for 8 year olds
<sherwood> oh well
<sherwood> i didnt know moms were allowed to be in chatrooms
* Ms^Green falls off her chair laffin'
<Ms^Green> why ever not?
<sherwood> i thought only 12 year old boys were allowed
<sherwood> no thats cooL!
<sherwood> my mom cant even use a computer
<sherwood> she gets confused if the supermarket makes her run her own credit card!
<sherwood> she cant even set the presets on her car radio!
<Ms^Green> that's too bad
<sherwood> yeah, but i forgive her
<sherwood> because she used to clean my skivvies
<sherwood> that in itself deserves a medal
<sherwood> if your son leaves, let's say, a caramel streak
<Ms^Green> that's true
<sherwood> will you embarrass him?
<sherwood> tell him not do that again?
<sherwood> or will you let it go
<Ms^Green> he does his own laundry
<sherwood> wow
<sherwood> is he older or just responsible?
<sherwood> i didnt know men COULD do their own laundry
<Ms^Green> i'm training him to be responsible
<sherwood> why else would they ever get married?
* Ms^Green glares at you
<sherwood> oh dont be offended
<sherwood> you know most men are 100% dependent
<sherwood> thats how women like it
<sherwood> thats how they control us
<Ms^Green> i don't like it
<sherwood> men are too dumb, they NEED a woman
<sherwood> so you want a man who can cook
<Ms^Green> i disagree
<Ms^Green> you bet i want a man who cooks
<Ms^Green> and cleans
<Ms^Green> shares the chores, ya know
<sherwood> you dont want a MAN, you WANT A MAID!
<sherwood> HA HA HA    !
<sherwood> i got ya
<Ms^Green> whateva
<sherwood> but i was always taught that if a man brings home the bacon bits
<sherwood> and can sasify his wife
<sherwood> then she has to wash the dishes
<sherwood> is this not true?
<sherwood> no wonder women hate me!
<sherwood> but honestly, i would want a man who cooks too
<sherwood> i would myself marry a man who cooks
<Ms^Green> my last boyfriend is a great cook
<sherwood> so what happened?
<Ms^Green> spiritual differences
<sherwood> he didnt make you say OH GOD enough?
<sherwood> i'm sorry!
<sherwood> a tree made me say that
<Ms^Green> LOL!!!
<sherwood> he was too religious for you?
<Ms^Green> no
<sherwood> you were too religious
<sherwood> do you have the WWJD key chains?
<sherwood> What would jesus do?
<sherwood> NOT try to make money off his FAME!
<Ms^Green> nope...he belongs to a right wing strict religion and i go my own spiritual path...he was uncomfortable w/ it
<sherwood> so he's a Jesus-Freak who owns lots of guns and you believe in the magic of rocks?
<sherwood> rocks are cool. but Trees are not!
<Ms^Green> you're silly
<sherwood> true
<sherwood> so what kind of alternative belief structure do you have
<sherwood> "spiritual path"
<sherwood> buddhist?
<sherwood> i have friends who are buddhist
<sherwood> but they get mad when i kill roaches
<sherwood> they're like, that could have been my grandmother!
<sherwood> i'm like, then grandma shouldn't be running around my kitchen!
<Ms^Green> it would hard to designate exactly my belief structure under the established guidelines
<sherwood> oh so you just make it up as you go along?
<sherwood> enlighten me!
<sherwood> i believe in God but not religion
<sherwood> God is good, people are greedy
<sherwood> trees are just evil
<sherwood> are you a witch?
<sherwood> Wicca is pretty neat
<Ms^Green> sorry...have to disagree with your opinion of trees
<sherwood> so you're a tree hugger ay?
<Ms^Green> i'm looking into various wiccan beliefs and paganism
<sherwood> gonna vote for Al Gore
<Ms^Green> no...not a tree hugger
<sherwood> so you cut up trees to make brooms to fly around on at night?!
<sherwood> Wicca is cool except for the Broths with frogs' blood
<Ms^Green> haven't gotten to that part, i guess
<sherwood> i used to be a Warlock
<sherwood> but they kicked me out because i only joined to learn how to cast spells on my neighbor
<Ms^Green> not to be used for evil intent
<sherwood> they said i was something like "an ingnorant baffoon who watches too many movies"
<sherwood> i know
<sherwood> doesnt that stink tho!
<sherwood> its like if you have the power, why not use it?
<Ms^Green> lol
<sherwood> its like being a cop and still stopping at red lights!
<Ms^Green> silly silly
<sherwood> so how does your son feel about his mom being into Wicca?
<sherwood> does he feel like he's on the set of Bewitched
<sherwood> Ever watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer
<sherwood> pretty cool show
<Ms^Green> he's not that interested in my spiritual path...we discuss god and spiritual things
<sherwood> except for the horrendous dialogue
<Ms^Green> i believe i watched it once or twice
<Ms^Green> i seldom watch tv
<sherwood> that's cool that you can speak with your son
<sherwood> i cant speak with my mom
<sherwood> i just dont feel comfortable
<Ms^Green> why is that?
<sherwood> ever since i saw her in leather lingerie
<sherwood> scarred for life
<sherwood> NEVER enter mom's bedroom without knocking
<Ms^Green> ohmigawd!!!!!
* Ms^Green hides her whip better
<sherwood> i mean, dad was like YEEEHA!
<sherwood> and mom had out the "mechanical bull" if you know what i mean
<sherwood> ugH!
<Ms^Green> you're are crackin' me up!
<sherwood> live my life and you'd be cracked too!
<sherwood> listen Ms Green
<Ms^Green> yes?
<sherwood> this has been the best convo i've ever had on irc
<sherwood> amazing
<sherwood> multi-syllabic phrases and everything!
<Ms^Green> why thank you
<Ms^Green> lol!
<sherwood> no thank you!
<Ms^Green> my pleasure
<sherwood> hopefully we'll bump into each other again sometime
<Ms^Green> i would enjoy that
<sherwood> ok, Ms. Green, take care
<Ms^Green> have a care, sherwood
<sherwood> bye
<Ms^Green> bye
and thus HogWild (as Sherwood Schwartz) manages to piss off everyone who loves Trees!


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HOGWILD.NET  semi-hilarious comedy: funny chats, tree jokes and funny pictures