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Best of HogWild's FUNNY CHATS

From time to time HogWild will log on to various Chats, mostly regarding subjects he knows little or nothing about.  So in an effort to proclaim his stupidity, we present to you another inane conversation with HogWild.


HogWild as Sherwood, in a room called Gay Malaysia.  Hog is posing as a gay guy in this room when he strikes up the convo  . . .

<Sherwood> so you're saying that it is seen as "normal" to be gay in Malaysia?

<[Shock]> I said I have no idea because I am not in Malaysia

<Sherwood> oh, so what country are you in

<[Shock]> New Zealand

<Sherwood> I heard that New Zealand is the San Francisco of the Pacific, is that true?

<Sherwood> would you say gays number almost 50%?

<[Shock]> No More like Sydney or Melbourne

<Sherwood> excuse my American ignorance, but is New Zealand a separate country from Australia, or is like Canada is to the US, sort of a separate country but not really . . .

<Sherwood> and was there an "old" zealand?

<Sherwood> so would you consider yourself a "crusading queer" out to teach the world, or just proud of who you are?

<[Shock]> No we are fairly a young country

<Sherwood> oh ok

<[Shock]> I dont belive in brainwashing anyone - people are who they are.

<Sherwood> so is it hard for you to find gay men?

<Sherwood> or do you just go to gay clubs to pick 'em up?

<[Shock]> More easier in our more populated cities.

<[Shock]> And there arnt many gay clubs here

<Sherwood> oh, so how do you "sense' if a dude is gay? do you pick u signals, do you just ask . . .

<[Shock]> Yeh mainly signals/body/eye contact.

<Sherwood> so are you flagrant? or are you more subtle?

<[Shock]> no I dont glare.. more subtle -..

<Sherwood> for instance, i'm a twinkle-toes type of guy, but I am not effeminate. i HATE dude who are gay and act like chicks. A man should act like a man even if he likes it in the butt.

<Sherwood> i think a lot of these flaming guys give us a bad rap, what do you think?

<Sherwood> do you think nubs in biker shorts are hot, or gross?

<[Shock]> Yes - I hate guys who act too gay ie: Like women....

<[Shock]> I like manly men.

<Sherwood> ok, i have to ask

<[Shock]> nubs ?? is that american slang?

<Sherwood> sort of . . .

<[Shock]> btw are you gay ?

<Sherwood> very

<[Shock]> ok

<[Shock]> And I see you are in Ohio ?

<Sherwood> when you are in a relationship, how do you decide who will be "checking for oil"? like do you flip a coin?

<Sherwood> or are you always either on the receiving or giving end?

<[Shock]> erm... I've never been in a relationship -

<Sherwood> oh

<Sherwood> so say if this were Christmas now, do you prefer to "give" or to "receive" the gifts?

<[Shock]> Both

<Sherwood> hmm

<Sherwood> just depends on your mood?

<Sherwood> what do you do to ease the pain?

<Sherwood> see, i've NEVER been the wide-receiver, always the quarterback.

<[Shock]> Well to tell you the truth I'm not that fond of Anal sex.

<Sherwood> so only on special occasions, ay?

<Sherwood> mostly oral reports then?

<[Shock]> Yeh like when I'm drunk lol

<Sherwood> do like a man in uniform?

<Sherwood> once i did it with a man dressed as a firefighter

<[Shock]> lol but was he a firefighter?

<Sherwood> after I climbed his ladder, he "hosed" me down

<Sherwood> yes, a real firefighter

<[Shock]> ok ..

<Sherwood> you should have seen him slide down that greasy pole!

<Sherwood> he had MY sirens screaming!

<[Shock]> You like talking in metaphors dont you lol

<Sherwood> this wasn't no cat stuck in a tree-- he had to put out my internal flame!

<Sherwood> so have you ever done it with a woman?

<[Shock]> Never

<Sherwood> wow

<Sherwood> so when did you discover your gaydom?

<[Shock]> Only when I was 17 - kissed and tongued a girl infront of some mates at a party.

<Sherwood> and that didnt turn you on?

<[Shock]> cigarette breath - yuck!

<[Shock]> No - none whatsoever

<Sherwood> so that WOULD be a clue

<[Shock]> I've basically known all my life, I was gay

<Sherwood> i've known since i was 7

<[Shock]> Yeh same here

<Sherwood> i always fantasized about He-Man

<Sherwood> i had Gi Joes, but i didnt make them fight, i made them hump each other

<[Shock]> I use to fantisize about guys with their briefcases walking past lol

<Sherwood> have you ever waxed your chesthair?
<Sherwood> once i got mine permed

<[Shock]> LOL

<[Shock]> no ..

<Sherwood> i think i really discovered i was a Queer-monger when i accidentally sat on the bar of soap in the tub

<Sherwood> i farted bubbles and couldnt stop giggling!

<[Shock]> LOL
<[Shock]> You americans can be weird sometimes hehehe

<Sherwood> some homosexually-challenged people think that we had to have some serious problems to "become" gay

<Sherwood> like an uncle touching us as a child

<Sherwood> or a priest fondling our prepubescent fuzzy grapes

<Sherwood> or our dad whipping it out to see if we measure up...

<Sherwood> anything like that in YOUR past?

<[Shock]> nope ..

<[Shock]> yours ?

<Sherwood> well...

<Sherwood> my when my dad taught me how to urinate he whizzed with me in the toilet

<[Shock]> ohok

<Sherwood> so at a young age I saw his jammy. So big and hairy compared to my little pink mouse of a penis

<Sherwood> it made me feel insignificant
<[Shock]> hhe I bet

<Sherwood> and know i always wonder if my jammy will ever be as big as his

<Sherwood> so i swear, one day i will go back home and demand that he drop his skivvies so we can compare!

<Sherwood> i want to know if i have caught up1

<[Shock]> LOL

<Sherwood> have you ever jostled the jammy with the help of a scented lubrication?

<Sherwood> bc i did once

<Sherwood> what a MISTAKE!

<Sherwood> it hurt SO MUCH!

<Sherwood> just a word of advice, always check the ingredients for alcohol!

<Sherwood> ok, maybe this is just me being La Fabuloso Faggot, but I REALLY enjoy wiping my butt after taking a dump

<Sherwood> do you enjoy wiping after a wicked caramel too?

<Sherwood> or am i just a freak with smelly fingers?

<Sherwood> ever had relations with a nub who had piercings?

<[Shock]> I only like the good tasting stuff that comes from penises

<Sherwood> you LIKE that stuff?

<Sherwood> i HATE clam chowder!

<Sherwood> too salty

<Sherwood> not good for my cholesterol
<[Shock]> Depends - some guys are sweet :P

<Sherwood> i heard that if you eat 3 cans of pineapples a day it makes your fluids sweeter

<Sherwood> is that true?

<Sherwood> or does it just make you more fruity?

<[Shock]> umm no idea lol

<Sherwood> once i dunked my jammy in grape jelly and had my partner make a sandwich

<[Shock]> btw How old r u ?

<Sherwood> ever rub your bottom in honey?

<Sherwood> 23

<[Shock]> ok.. and no I havent.

<Sherwood> once i glistened my entire rump in honey and had my lover act like the Queen bee

<Sherwood> ooh it was fun

<Sherwood> he STUNG me good!
<Sherwood> so you don't enjoy experimenting?

<[Shock]> You have quite a fetish with food..

<Sherwood> certainly!

<Sherwood> you should hear the stuff i can do with BBQ sauce!

<Sherwood> ever play Return of the Jedi?

<[Shock]> my word ..

<[Shock]> no..

<Sherwood> when you play return of the jedi one partner is luke skywalker

<Sherwood> the other is darth vader

<Sherwood> and you fight with your light sabers

<[Shock]> I prefer to go straight to the meat myself

<Sherwood> kinda naked-like with your hands on your hips

<Sherwood> and the winner makes the loser act like his little Ewok-bitch!

<[Shock]> Sounds Interesting.
<Sherwood> did you ever wear under-roos?

<Sherwood> i used to wear the Wonderwoman underwear

<[Shock]> under roos?

<Sherwood> i LOVE wonderwoman

<Sherwood> under roos were (in america) underwear for kids with comic book heroes on them

<Sherwood> ever heard of wonderwoman?

<Sherwood> or linda carter?

<[Shock]> Yeh..

<Sherwood> if i wasn't so darn gay, i'd love to marry her

<Sherwood> ok, do you think that lucy lawless from Xena is a dyke?

<Sherwood> what celebs do you think are closet homo-mo-mo's?

<[Shock]> nope.

<Sherwood> william shatner, gay?

<Sherwood> i think that Doctor from Star Trek was a bottomfeeder, come on, his name was Bones!

<[Shock]> umm whats that guy - on that tool house sitcom?

<Sherwood> Tim Allen or his sidekick?

<[Shock]> One of the sons

<Sherwood> HA!

<Sherwood> yes, they did all play soccer!

<[Shock]> cant remeber his name

<Sherwood> what about any of the cast of Saved by the Bell

<Sherwood> I think A.C. Slater was gay.

<Sherwood> Screech isn't gay, he's too dorky to be gay, I think he's simply "undecided". as in neither gender has decided if they want him

<[Shock]> Zac ?

<Sherwood> Zac might be gay

<Sherwood> but i dont think so

<Sherwood> he seems like an all-american boob man to me

<Sherwood> i think he likes the warm comfort of two well-developed snuggle-bubbles

<[Shock]> lol

<Sherwood> have you ever fantasized about doing it with a female pro bowler?

<Sherwood> ya know, a short, spiky haired dyke?

<[Shock]> no

<[Shock]> no

<Sherwood> so women with plastic penises don't turn you on?

<Sherwood> me neither

<[Shock]> no women do..

<Sherwood> why would a woman want ANOTHER woman to slam a rubber jammy when they could have a man?

<Sherwood> its not like we date men who have flappy pectorals so we can simulate boobies!

<Sherwood> tho, once I must admit

<Sherwood> i had a 1 nighter with this BFN

<Sherwood> (big fat nasty)

<Sherwood> his gutksi was so large

<Sherwood> that i was able to make love to his bellybutton!

<[Shock]> Interesting

<Sherwood> i know it's grotee

<Sherwood> i was drunk, he was fat, things just happened

<[Shock]> yeh.

<Sherwood> ok, if you could have a 1 night stand with ANY famous person, who would it be?

<[Shock]> umm..

<Sherwood> i KNOW you've thought about this!

<Sherwood> come on, who?

<[Shock]> I used to fantasize about Keanu Reeves lol

<Sherwood> eww!

<Sherwood> i'd rather let SANDRA BULLOCK fellate me-- just so i wouldnt have to hear her talk!

<[Shock]> Thats when I was younger - and he was those Bill and Ted movies lol

<Sherwood> here's my list

<Sherwood> Ronald Reagan

<Sherwood> Richard Dawson (from Family feud)

<Sherwood> Alex Trebek

<Sherwood> What are ANAL BEADS for $100 Alex?

<Sherwood> Judge Mills Lane

<Sherwood> Ooh I'd like to bang HIS gavel

<Sherwood> Newman from Seinfeld

<Sherwood> ok, who else would you want

<Sherwood> oh and DUH, Ricky Martin!

<Sherwood> do you think Ricky Martin is a banana-boater?

<[Shock]> lol

<[Shock]> Dont think so.

<Sherwood> let's look at the evidence though

<[Shock]> I like blonde guys :P

<Sherwood> tinted hair

<Sherwood> dances well

<Sherwood> dresses well

<Sherwood> need i say more!

<Sherwood> i'd like some of his latin love

<Sherwood> i think he's a jammy-smoker for sure

<Sherwood> so why do they call you Shock?

<[Shock]> call me?

<Sherwood> how did you get the nick shock

<Sherwood> is it because you like the feeling of a nine volt battery in your rectum?

<Sherwood> :)

<[Shock]> umm .. nope.

<Sherwood> you can probably guess how i got MY nick

<Sherwood> just say my name a few times and you'll get it

<Sherwood> gotta run

<Sherwood> thanks shock!

<[Shock]> lol

<[Shock]> Ok Cya

<Sherwood> perhaps we'll meat again!

<Sherwood> bye

<[Shock]> perhaps lol

and thus HogWild (as Sherwood Schwartz) manages to piss off another Gay Person!


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