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Some dork wants help with the Tomb Raider 5 computer game. Watch what HogWild does to the poor boy!

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Best of HogWild's FUNNY CHATS

From time to time HogWild will log on to various Chats, mostly regarding subjects he knows little or nothing about.  So in an effort to proclaim his stupidity, we present to you another inane conversation with HogWild.

Some nub wanted help for his dorky video game. So I felt obliged to offer him the dis-service of my bad advice. Having never played this particular game, I totally made stuff up just to see how long I could keep him in the conversation. This nub put up with a lot of my nonsense! See if you can identify all of the classic video games I reference while attempting to "help" this guy. I'm the one named Sherwood.

<tombraide> I need help for tombraider 5 chronicles
<sherwood> hey tombraide, what do you need?
<tombraide> help
<sherwood> don't we all
<sherwood> help with what?
<sherwood> your sex life?
<tombraide> for tomb raider 5
<sherwood> oh!
<sherwood> so THAT's what you call it!
<tombraide> i stuck in 2 stage
<sherwood> i'd love to "raid" your "tomb" anytime!
<sherwood> oh i'll get you past Stage 2
<tombraide> you can help me
<sherwood> i've been to Stage 4!
<sherwood> tell me where you are getting stuck and maybe i can help you
<tombraide> in a boss with 3 dragon
<tombraide> i kill them
<sherwood> ok and...
<tombraide> and then i put a sympol
<tombraide> and stack
<sherwood> ok...
<sherwood> are you using your Mystical Staff?
<tombraide> WHATS THAT
<sherwood> oh my god!
<sherwood> you never got your Mystical Staff!
<sherwood> You NEED that to win the stage!

There is no "Mystical Staff" but I thought it sounded like something you'd find in one of these games, so what the hell, why not?

<tombraide> WHERE DO YOU GET IT
<sherwood> did you at least power up on RU486's?
<sherwood> first you need the RU 486 power pill

Note for those ig'nant: RU 486 is the controversial abortion pill

<tombraide> WHAT GAME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
<sherwood> Tomb RAIDER!
<sherwood> have you read all the mags for cheats?
<sherwood> that's what i read
<tombraide> WHAT TOMB RAIDER
<sherwood> i subscribe to 6 different cheat mags for all rpgs, d&d's muds, and tombraider specifically
<sherwood> do you want my help or not?
<sherwood> i can see you are a novice at this-- a beginner
<tombraide> WHAT TOMB RAIDER DO YOU HAVE
<tombraide> YES
<tombraide> I AN EXPERT IN RPGS
<sherwood> ok
<sherwood> then this should be simple for you
<tombraide> OK
<sherwood> just get the ru486 at the first castle, at the clinic
<tombraide> I NEED HELP FOR TOMB RAIDER 5 CRONICLES
<tombraide> WHAT STAGE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
<sherwood> yes, TR5!

Whenever you talk in abbreviations, it makes you sound like an expert

<sherwood> this is a secret part of stage 1
<tombraide> WHAT STAGE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
<sherwood> have you been to it?
<tombraide> YES BUT IM STUCK IN A DOOR WHO NEEDS 4 SYMBOLS
<sherwood> oh ok
<sherwood> have you beaten the part with the monster in front of the fan
<tombraide> i ALREADY FOUND 3 SYMBOLS AND I NEED TO FIND THE FORTH ONE
<sherwood> do you even know what the 4th symbol looks like?
<tombraide> THE 3 DRAGONS
<tombraide> WHO SPIT FIRE
<sherwood> good
<sherwood> Use the compass to position Lara facing exactly North.** Then escape to the inventory screen. Highlight the "Load Game" icon (stone tablet) but don't select it. Press and hold the keys H E L P for a moment. Then exit the menu by pressing Escape.

I decided to do a little research while chatting with him. I copied and pasted this cheat from a Tomb Raider web site. Of course, it is not for the version he is playing. I'm a mean bastard.

<sherwood> have you tried this trick?
<tombraide> WHAT DOES IT DO
<sherwood> it automatically gets you the symbols you need
<tombraide> I DONT WANT DO PAST IT WITH CHEATS
<sherwood> ok, then do this
<sherwood> use your chloroform with the mushroom
<tombraide> i JUST WANT TO FIND THE FOURHT SYMBOL
<sherwood> this makes you twice your normal size with twice the power
<tombraide> I TOLD YOU I DONT WANT DO PAST IT WITH CHEATS
<sherwood> then hit CTRL-ALT-F7-ESC-DELETE to enable your hammer
<sherwood> ok ok
<sherwood> then you have to do a whole bunch of searching
<sherwood> here's where you need to look
<tombraide> YEAH BUT JUST TELL ME WHERE TO START THE REST I DO IT BY MYSELF
<sherwood> ok
<sherwood> on the submarine
<sherwood> go to the spot where you first saw the Spear of Destiny

Now I'm dangerous. On the Tomb Raider web site I'm picking up little facts about the game. So now I'm mixing a modicum of truth with my big double-dose of 100%  bull. 

<tombraide> THERE ISN;T ANY SUBMARINE
<sherwood> the sub is adventure 2
<tombraide> i M IN FROND OF A DOOR WITH 4 SYMBOLS
<sherwood> Russia
<tombraide> i AM I THE STREETS OF ROME STAGE
<sherwood> oh ok!
<sherwood> knock on the door 3 times
<sherwood> like this
<sherwood> rap, then 2 quick raps
<sherwood> the bouncer will ask you for the password
<sherwood> the password in Curly
<tombraide> AT THE BEGINNIG
<sherwood> but remember, since this is Rome, you must say it in Latin
<sherwood> Et Pluribus Curlius
<sherwood> and if you eat the ghosts when they are blue, you gets points
<tombraide> i'M AT THE BEGINING OF THE GAME
<sherwood> but if they turn back to their regular colors, you die
<tombraide> i'M AT THE BEGINING OF THE GAME
<sherwood> so eat a power pellet to turn them blue, then chomp away!
<tombraide> i'M AT THE BEGINING OF THE GAME
<sherwood> OH! The beginnig
<sherwood> the VERY beginning?
<tombraide> i'M AT THE BEGINING OF THE GAME
<sherwood> it's been so long since i played that level
<tombraide> YES
<tombraide> YES
<sherwood> ok, have you spoken to the Used Chariot Salesman?
<sherwood> he has greasy hair
<sherwood> his inventory includes horse manure and hub caps
<sherwood> BUY THE HUB CAPS
<sherwood> you can use them as armor
<tombraide> WHERE THERE ARE 3 DRAGONS OR SNAKES THAT COME OUT FROM THE WALL ABOVE THE DOOR WITH THE 4 SYMBOLS
<sherwood> ok, first cross the busy intersection. you will appear to be a frog
<sherwood> then get on the logs and float to the doorway
<sherwood> as a frog you have power to enable the dragons
<tombraide> NO NO
<tombraide> YOU DIDNT UNTERSTAND
<sherwood> don't you think that Lara character is hot?
<sherwood> i don't have a girlfriend right now
<sherwood> well, or ever
<sherwood> but I REALLY like Lara
<sherwood> that first scene, where she's in her evening gown...
<sherwood> it makes me ...
<sherwood> GO CRAZY!!!!
<sherwood> how about you?
<tombraide> YEA
<tombraide> BYT THAT;S THE STAGE THAT I'M STUCK
<sherwood> did you know that in ADV 4, in the Tower Block, Lara walks around in just a bra and panties!
<tombraide> AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO TO
<sherwood> wow, she is STACKED!
<sherwood> it makes me...
<sherwood> GO CRAZY!!!!
<sherwood> i just want to
<sherwood> ...
<sherwood> GO CRAZY!!!!!!
<sherwood> and the Iris, have you seen it?
<tombraide> PLEASE HELP ME AND THEN WE WILL TALK ABOUT LARA
<tombraide> OK
<sherwood> It looks like a giant booby!
<tombraide> OK
<sherwood> It makes me want to...
<sherwood> GO CRAZY!!!!!!
<sherwood> wow
<sherwood> oh yeah
<tombraide> OK
<tombraide> OK
<sherwood> what did you want help with?
<tombraide> OK
<tombraide> OK
<tombraide> WITH THE GAME
<sherwood> right
<sherwood> to obtain the 4th symbol
<sherwood> you need to

Now if you don't think I'm a major gas-hole yet, you will now. After that last line, I purposely paused for about 3 minutes. I figure if this nub can't figure out that I don't know squat about twat he deserves to be suckered into my toilet-flush spiral of crap.

<tombraide> SO TELL ME
<sherwood> ...
<sherwood> eat the spinach
<sherwood> then you will have the Strength/Health points to defeat Brutus
<sherwood> you are in Rome, correct?
<sherwood> if you eat the wrong can of spinach, it will be poisoned
<sherwood> be careful
<tombraide> WHEN I PUT THE THIRD SYMBOL ON THE DOOR WHERE DO I HAVE GO NEXT SO I CAN FIND THE FOURTH SYMBOL
<sherwood> you need to turn around
<sherwood> 165 degrees
<sherwood> NOT 180 degrees!
<sherwood> obtusely
<sherwood> then go left, (duh)
<sherwood> walk until you can go no further
<sherwood> and search the wall
<sherwood> there is a hidden symbol between the bricks
<sherwood> it is the wall of an ancient Temple
<sherwood> you will see people putting notes into the wall and weeping
<sherwood> but you just want the symbol
<sherwood> that's the easy part
<tombraide> LOOK I PAST THE BOSS MONSTER THAT COMES OUT OF THE WALL
<sherwood> OH!!!!
<tombraide> WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO NEXT
<sherwood> wasn't that monster easy to beat?!
<sherwood> how did you beat him?
<tombraide> YES
<sherwood> i did it a special way
<tombraide> WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO NEXT
<sherwood> every time he blinked, i knew he would try to double-punch me
<sherwood> so i ducked it, and delivered a right cross to his face!
<sherwood> i kept doing that until he was dead
<tombraide> OK AFTER THAT WHAT DO I DO
<sherwood> so what you do next is
<sherwood> go the Opera House
<tombraide> YES
<sherwood> and see if Lara is still standing around in her evening gown
<tombraide> GO ON
<sherwood> because DAAAAAAAMN!
<sherwood> her breasts just make me want to...
<sherwood> GO CRAZY!!!!!!! 
<sherwood> i mean really
<sherwood> CRAAAAAAAZY!
<sherwood> i jump around and stuff
<sherwood> i tie my mouse around my neck and pull
<sherwood> i can't take it 
<tombraide> ARE YOU STUPID
<sherwood> she's just sooooo...
<sherwood> CRAZY!
<tombraide> ARE YOU STUPID
<tombraide> ARE YOU STUPID

Dammit! How did he ever discover my secret?

<sherwood> HEY!
<sherwood> i just dont have a girlfriend right now
<sherwood> my last gf broke up with me
<tombraide> NO STUPID
<sherwood> because i played too many video games
<sherwood> do YOU have a girlfriend?
<tombraide> HOW OLD ARE YOU
<sherwood> 40
<tombraide> NO
<sherwood> see!
<sherwood> girls don't understand
<sherwood> we need time to play our rpgs!
<sherwood> i remember this girl i dated in 6th grade
<sherwood> i was playing Zelda like 24/7
<tombraide> WHAT KIND OF RPGS DO YOU LIKE
<sherwood> she got mad and dumped me!
<sherwood> oh my god!
<sherwood> all of them!
<sherwood> i especially love Final Fantasy!
<sherwood> it's so
<sherwood> FINAL!
<sherwood> do you have Final Fantasy 9?
<sherwood> i have all of them
<tombraide> ME TO
<sherwood> i mean ALL OF THEM!
<sherwood> isnt it awesome!
<tombraide> ON MONDAY
<sherwood> you don't have it yet?
<tombraide> YES
<sherwood> have you beaten it yet?
<tombraide> ON MONDAY
<sherwood> i can tell you how to beat it
<sherwood> first you need to jump over the barrels that the gorilla throws at you
<tombraide> NO TELL ME ABOUT TOMB RAIDER 5
<sherwood> if you grab a hammer you can crush the barrels
<sherwood> hey, how old are YOU?
<tombraide> 39
<sherwood> really?
<sherwood> i don't believe you
<sherwood> what country are you from?
<tombraide> WHY
<tombraide> TELL ME ABOUT TOMB RAIDER 5
<sherwood> so i can ask you a question to see if you are really 39
<sherwood> i think you are younger
<sherwood> but that's cool
<sherwood> i was wondering if you knew any single girls for me who are between ages 21 and 60
<sherwood> who like video games
<sherwood> and bald guys with foot odor difficulties
<sherwood> do you have an extra gall bladder laying around that i could borrow
<sherwood> i'd trade for it!
<sherwood> I'll give you my FF9 for it
<sherwood> since i beat it already

I think that did it. He didn't want to hear that I already beat  a game that he doesn't even own yet. Oh well. I'm not sure I made a friend, but he was a good sport.

And so HogWild (as Sherwood) manages to piss off all guys who love role playing games! 

 

 

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| EXPERT DATING ADVICE | DATING ADVICE | DATING COACH | MEMBERS | STORE | FUNNY PICTURES | FUNNY RANTSCOMEDY VIDEOS | DATING ADVICE MAN | CARTOONS | CHATSGAMES | LINKS | COMEDY SHOWS | CONTACT | JOIN NOW |