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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

01/05/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Invisible Tape. Okay, it’s not really invisible but it’s pretty darn see-thru, that is until you put your greasy fingerprints all over it!

~ An unusual number of problems, including bolts that would not loosen and latches that would not latch, made repair work on the Hubble telescope more challenging than expected.

Complained one frustrated Astronaut QUOTE: "This telescope is a piece of junk! It’s like always broken and I haven’t even gotten one good PEEP into Molly Ringwald’s bedroom!"

~ Swaziland's parliamentary speaker, who has been asked to resign for taking cow dung from the royal yard, has insisted he did so in order to perform rituals to protect the king.

Swaziland’s King Mswati III declared QUOTE: "No one is to touch the Royal Doody! Mr. Speaker touched my Princely Poop! He must pay with his LIFE!

The speaker said he needed the majestic manure to perform a sacred ritual to protect the King.

To this the King replied QUOTE: "Boopkis! I know of Mr. Speaker’s ’rituals.’ He planned to put the poopy in front of the door to my Castle and then light it on fire! Either that or he was planning to sell it! The Royal Round Rump Rods fetch quite a price!"

~ Albert Einstein, whose theories on space, time and matter helped unravel the secrets of the atom and of the universe, was chosen as ``Person of the Century'' by Time magazine.

In a small article towards the end of edition, Time also chose their DOG of the Century. The news journal said it was a close race between Snoopy, Dogbert, Underdog, Spuds McKenzie, and the Taco Bell Mutt, but ultimately the winner was the Disney icon, Goofy.

Explained Time Editors, QUOTE: "Goofy transcended Canine-ity. He was kind of a person and kind of a dog—much like Ally McBeal. She is part person, part Chihuahua. Or how Rosie O’Donnell is part portly woman, part aging Bloodhound. Goofy led the way for these future human-dogs."

 

~ Researchers are working to determine behavior patterns among those with Alzheimer's disease who wander from their homes and disappear.

Sadly, Boxing legend and Alzheimer’s sufferer Muhammad Ali once wandered from HIS home. He wound up on the set of the new infomercial for the George Foreman Grill. He interrupted the shoot shouting that he would challenge Foreman to a Rumble in the Jungle and a Bitchin’ Slap-Fight in the Kitchen. Said Ali QUOTE: "I’m the Greatest of All Time. This George Foreman Grill is a false thrill. Nothing but an imitation of an animation because I am the greatest Cassius Claymation in the Nation! MY grill can slice, dice, cook your burger twice and still have room to boil rice and remove head lice! I am the Greatest! My Grill will smoke like a butterfly, make honey like a bee. I predict that I will Knock-out your kids, all 23!"

Ali was quickly sedated and sent back home. Foreman said he was saddened by the event, but QUOTE: "that’s what he gets for playing the rope-a-dope. Back then I knew I couldn’t knock him out, but I sure as hell was gonna give him some permanent brain damage. So I guess in the end I really won!"

~ Maureen Lederer wanted her husband at her side when she gave birth to their third child, but he had a must-do business trip the week the baby was due.

Her doctor's reaction: The baby's ready, so instead of waiting a few more days for nature to take its course, let's induce labor.

In related news, this trend of birthing when it’s most convenient, medically referred to as GDSIWDCATB or God Damn Selfish Idiots Who Don’t Care About Their Baby, is growing rapidly as busy schedules collide with the devaluation of family.

It has been reported that births are being expedited for events such as business trips, weddings, and to give parents adequate time to return movie rentals.

HogWild’s MOTHER says she was an early participant in this new trend except with one notable difference. QUOTE: "The purpose for me inducing the birth of HogWild was that I wanted him out as soon as possible. That little brat was eating twice his portions! I was the only pregnant mom who was getting SKINNIER! Hog wasn’t born, he was evicted!"

~ According to a new lab experiment, Mad cow disease and a new type of fatal human brain disease that has killed 51 people in Europe may be one and the same. A new study makes clear that people who developed a new type of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease could have gotten it from infected meat.

In related news, Creutzfeldt of the Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease Team lamented on the source of his fame. He bemoaned QUOTE: "I was just a regular guy. Then I got this stupid disease. Now I’m gonna be remembered for a lethal source of pain for all humanity! That really bites. At least Lou Gehrig is also remembered for being a great ball player. No one will remember that I was a Boy Scout, or that I could juggle, or that I was Microsoft A+ Certified."

HogWild News contacted the other half of the famed diseased-duo, Jakob. Jakob had no problem with the recognition and in fact was actively pursuing MORE unique infections that are currently un-monikered.

 ~ Scientists say an anti-speeding device which uses space satellite signals and cuts the fuel supply to cars breaking speed limits could save thousands of lives.

With his obnoxiously loud report, it’s the humper of lawn Santas, HogWild:

Daaaaamn! What a DUMB idea! So I’m goin’ a little over the speed limit and WHAM my fuel gets cut off. I spin out of control and slam into a Furniture Truck. And you KNOW how picky people are when they get their new Furniture—one little nick and they return it. This won’t SAVE lives this will COST lives. And who even cares about that, it’s going to dramatically reduce the entertainment value of our highways!

What’s cooler than watching a high-speed chase with the cops? If this device was in place there would never have been an O.J. Show on TV. Then what would have the News Media covered for a year and a half? Actual News?! Ha! Booooooring! We NEED high speed chases! If this device is put to use, Fox TV will lose two-thirds of it’s programming!

And when you’re driving home from work what is more interesting to look at then an overturned tractor trailer? Nothing. It’s like, hmm, nothing is on AM, nothing on FM, ooh there’s some entertainment right out my window! And another thing, how will we be able to cut of motorists who piss us off? If we’re not allowed to speed up and dangerously swerve in front of drivers we deem to be "a-holes" then how will we release our frustrations? By beating our family that’s how. Is that what you want, an increase in wife-beating? No! HogWild is for Women’s Rights—let us speed! And if we can’t speed, drivers will start shooting each other! HogWild is for gun control—let us speed! Why do you think they invented the Air Bag?

And how can we impress the bims if we can’t speed? Some of us have to compensate for our slightly-below-average-sized Jammies. Damn you men of Science! Must you be so out of touch with the People?!

~ Taiwan doctors operating on a 76-year old woman discovered a ``fossilized'' fetus in her abdomen conceived 49 years ago -- a phenomenon recorded only three times in history. The rocklike remains of a fetus hardened by calcium buildup died in the 20th week of pregnancy.

In related news, Catholic groups say that the fetus must not be ejected from the woman’s body until it is ready. Said one pro-life supporter QUOTE: "Even a rock-like fossilized fetus is still a human life and we must protect its right to live a normal, rock-like life."

The Pope took a firm stance on this issue, telling the pro-life woman to QUOTE: "Chill. It’s dead."

The woman responded QUOTE: "I know he’s the Pope and all but even dead babies have a right to be born and live a normal, dead-like life."

The woman went so far as to offer to adopt the child and to even celebrate the birthday of the 49 year old fetus. She decorated her home with party streamers and she baked a cake. Presents for the 49 year old baby included pacifiers, shirts and ties, diapers, a playpen, and dress socks.

~A woman lost the first round in her quest to recover more than $450,000 units frozen by her bank because it said the money belonged to the U.N. Environmental Program (UNEP). The bacon bits meant for the United Nations was mistakenly deposited in the woman’s account whose number differs from UNEP's by one digit.

The woman was unapologetic about accepting the money exclaiming QUOTE: "Screw the United Nations and their Environmental Program. F the spotted owls! To hell with exotic ducks and endangered whales! I need the freakin’ money!"

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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