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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL
HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by HCP: Hard Crunchy Poop. The dark kind that sticks to your buttvines causing dingleberries. HCP is also a proud sponsor of the 2000 Toilet Olympics.
~ A short-order cook from the Bronx moved from grilling food to glorious millions as the sole winner of the ``New York Millennium Millions'' $100 million lottery jackpot.
When asked if he would "keep it real" by staying in the Bronx, the man laughed QUOTE: "Yeah right! Im gonna BUY the Bronx."
In related news, he had NO plans to start a Circus starring the Roaches in his Bronx apartment performing trapeze tricks on the cobwebs.
~ Top Internet services provider America Online (AOL) has bought Time Warner, the world's biggest media company, for $164 billion in stock, in a deal that marks the largest merger ever.
Since the merger a number of interesting things have happened. The employees of World Championship Wrestling (WCW), owned by TimeWarner have now all been granted free AOL accounts. This has lead to a barrage of SPAM trash-talking. Superstar wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin complained that Hollywood Hogan had sent him 36 Instant Messages describing how hed beat his head in with a chair. Said Stone Cold QUOTE: "That stuff is okay for the ring, but Im trying to surf the web and hes totally harassing me. So I subscribed him to a bunch of lame joke e-mail lists like the one on HOGWILD.NET."
Hogan retaliated by baiting him into a chatroom. HOGWILD News has obtained the transcript:
~ What do Elvis Presley and former President Jimmy Carter have in common? Genealogists say the answer is a 17th-century German ancestor who might make them sixth cousins once removed.
Other than their Southern Heritage, the two do not have much in common. Jimmy Carter is a very intelligent, skinny man. Elvis was a dumb, fat, doughnut disposal machine with sideburns. Carter however said he was not surprised that he has common ancestry with the King. QUOTE: "I can shake my hips a little. And I LOVE to sing. Ive even changed the words to some of Elvis songs! I can sing, She aint Nothin but an Iranian Hound Dog who wont return my Phone Calls or American Hostages, I can do Love Me Tender, Please Return the Hostages to Sender, and Dont Step on my Blue Suede Shoes because Ill need Good Shoes to Walk All the Way Home from D.C. When they Kick Me Out of Office for Not Getting Back the Hostages."
~ Rio de Janeiro beach lovers couldn't see the sand as a soap maker stretched a record-breaking washing line across Botafogo beach with 52,000 pieces of white clothing hanging from it.
The sexually charged Brazilians quickly turned the companys publicity stunt into a hooter contest as 52,000 women clamored to compete in the impromptu wet T-shirt contest.
In related news, the soap maker was UNABLE to clean one of the shirts. Said a company spokesman, "51,999 clean shirts aint bad." That ONE still-dirty shirt reportedly belonged to the smelly, hairy-belly, lover of petroleum jelly on his swelly while watching late-night Telly, HogWild. The Hogsta attempted to explain saying QUOTE: "Its not my fault. I have a rare condition that makes my armpits sweat raccoon urine. Plus I dont like to change my undershirt during months ending with the sound "ember."
~ Northern California's high-tech economic boom has already caused housing prices to rocket. Now graveyard real estate is following suit -- with four-person burial plots going for $265,000.
Hearing that there is money to be made in Silicon Valley, Bill Gates has ordered Microsoft into the Post-Death Arrangements Industry. Gates plans to have all tombstones outfitted with Microsoft Windows. At a press conference Gates stated QUOTE: "When its time for a loved one to power down for the last time, Microsoft wants to be there for you. Our burial grounds will all be plug-n-play and come with Microsoft Encarta, a great CD-ROM based encyclopedia. And with a video camera positioned inside the box, family and friends can access live photos of the deceased over the Internet. Were calling this coffinCam."
In related news, Intel Corporation is willing to lend its slogan and trademark to desiring individuals so, for example, the headstone can declare: "Bob Greenberg Inside"
~ Mexican women, who have long sought gender equality in the land of machismo, came a step closer to that goal on when the military said they would be allowed to join men in Mexico's military service.
Ironically, the only weapons they will be allowed to carry are spatulas and frying pans.
~ A crook was arrested for allegedly using the signature of a dead man to steal $48 million units from a bank.
In his defense he said QUOTE: "What? That guy WANTED me to have his money! Its just that he died before he could sign the check. So I signed it for him. Im not kidding! His dying words were, Please withdraw all my money from the bank. Forge my name if you have to. I HAD to honor a dying mans last wish! You understand."
Authorities did NOT understand and instead informed the thief that the dying mans last wish was to "stick the night stick as far up thats bastards ass as possible."
~ A father has been arrested for allowing his 2-year-old son to smoke a cigarette in a restaurant.
Said the man, QUOTE: "I dont understand, its not like we were in the no-smoking section!"
When asked if he thought it was wise to let a toddler inhale the dangerous chemicals in cigarettes, the man was astonished. He replied QUOTE: "Oh, and I guess I should get rid of his tobacco-flavored pacifier too! Dont tell me how to raise my child!"
His two year old son then spit out a wad of chew and licked his bleeding lips. Mommy then revealed her bleeding NIPPLES scarred from all the fiberglass.
~ Argentine human rights groups have demanded a magazine ad for Hawaiian Tropic sun-tan lotion, depicting a sun-tanned man being dragged off by the Ku Klux Klan, be withdrawn because it is offensive to blacks. ``The tone is humorous, the idea is: You're going to get so black that the Ku Klux Klan are going to come after you,'' said the creative director of the ad agency.
He explained further QUOTE: "Black people are SOOO sensitive. One silly joke referencing the lynching, rape, and brutal murder of their people and they like totally go ape. Not to say all black people are apes."
Emergency medical personnel were immediately dispatched to the scene to dislodge his shoe from his mouth.
~ A Hollywood feeding frenzy is underway as a half-dozen agencies vie to add Harrison Ford to their client roster. Ford has not employed an agency in 15 years, but is now seeking their partnership.
Said one Hollywood movie mogul QUOTE: "He is a HOT property. He is the modern-day Clint Eastwood now that Clint Eastwood is the modern-day Bea Arthur."
-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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