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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

01/17/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

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w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by the Synthesizer Player for Milli Vanilli. Hey, their singing may have been faked, but those Casio beats were ALL REAL!

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~ Fallen ``glam rock'' star Gary Glitter will be sneaked out of prison after receiving anonymous death threats. After serving half of a four-month sentence for collecting hardcore child pornography, Glitter will be escorted from prison to 'another location' before being released.

Glitter had reportedly asked to have his prison cell moved to a "House of Ginger Bread" where little boys dance naked. Glitter’s request was DENIED as that location is already inhabited by Michael Jackson.

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~ Oscar-winning actor Denzel Washington said he continues to face discrimination in everyday life because of the color of his skin.

``You get on an elevator and a woman gets on and she sees you, and she backs up,'' said Washington.

Explained the accused woman QUOTE: "I thought he was hopped up on drugs. I mean, why ELSE would he have taken that horrible role in "The Bone Collector"?

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~ Attorney General Janet Reno outlined plans for the federal government to battle cybercrime by teaming up with U.S. states to allow law enforcement agencies across the country to cooperate quickly on crimes that, because of the boundless nature of the Internet, cross multiple jurisdictions.

Reno’s first target is the Net’s Most Wanted Moron, a man who goes by the names HogWild, Sherwood Schwartz, Señor Asinine Alvarez, and Spanky. Hog is wanted for the High Crime of Spreading Stupidity without a license, predicting precipitation without a Mega-Doppler Radar 8000, and for reckless booger-flicking.

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~ General Motors executives said the automaker will invest hundreds of millions of bacon bits in computer systems over the next few years to slash the delivery time of new vehicles to customers to seven to 10 days, from more than 40 days currently.

Said one executive, QUOTE: "We want our customers to be able to customize their car and then have it specially built for them and shipped within 1 business week." When asked if this may compromise the time necessary for Quality-Assurance Tests, he responded, QUOTE: "WHAT Quality Tests?" After being elbowed by the CEO, he quickly added QUOTE: "Oh YEAH. THOSE Quality test. Yes, we are committed to maintaining the same quality standards you have come to expect in fine American-made vehicles. We won’t even fake the crash test results this time! And we’re even going to abolish drunken Fridays at the plant!"

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~ Britain is facing its worst flu epidemic in a decade with one in 500 people gripped by the virus and with worse to come.

England DENIES that their flu troubles are being spread by the bacteria that lives on their rotten and crooked teeth.

HogWild News went one unnecessary step further to SPEAK with one such flu-carrying bacteria living on a British man’s tooth. Going by the name, Mr. Doo-Little Dung, he exclaimed QUOTE:

"Woohoo! It’s a party up in here! When I lived in America, me and my buddies would live in constant fear of being BRUSHED away or even FLOSSED to death. But here in England, we are in PARADISE. Our homes are perfect: dark, moist, and stinky. Plus we get lots of tasty tea! It helps us stick to their eroding enamel. And the caffeine encourages up to POOP! Oops here we go again! I’m pooping in your mouth! Poop in your mouth! I’m a flu-carrying bacteria bug! Poop, poop, poop! I’m pooping in your mouth! Yeeha!"

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~ Vice President Al Gore, presiding over his first U.N. Security Council session, announced $150 million in stepped up U.S. contributions in the worldwide battle against AIDS, particularly in Africa where whole villages are being wiped out by the disease.

Gore explained that the AIDS proliferation in Africa was due mostly to the primitive Natives not understanding the concept. To demonstrate, he visited one such village and held up a poison tipped javelin and illustrated how poking someone with it would kill them. Said Gore at one such village meeting:

QUOTE: "You see people, this javelin is DEADLY! It has POISON on the tip! If I pierced someone’s skin with it, they would die. Each of you has a JAVELIN just like this! You’re carrying it under your LOIN CLOTH! To stop poisoning people, you need to slip this rubber over it! You may want to squirt some LUBE on it to combat that Jungle Dryness."

For the next 30 minutes the clueless natives ran around with their waists thrust outward, trying to poke people with their meat arrows.

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~ An animal welfare organization has accused Zimbabwe's army of illegally trafficking in rare African Grey parrots from the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

Zimbabwe DENIED these allegations, claiming that the parrots they had were more "silverish, perhaps even a charcoal maybe."

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~ Psychologists said they had helped explain why some boys become bullies -- because aggressive behavior may make boys popular with their playmates.

In related news, the Net’s Psycho Side-tacking, sinisterly stinky Psychologist, HogWild, said QUOTE:

Daaamn Homey! "Duh! Of COURSE the bullies are popular. Because you don’t want to get your ass kicked! That’s like saying BANK ROBBERS are popular. Sure, they’re loved so much, people just HAND OVER their money. I know I loved the bullies in MY school. It was a great learning experience to cut my skivvies before school everyday so they would tear easier while being on the receiving end of an over-the shoulder wedgee! Oh I loved those guys! I visit their jail cells every week! And I NEVER send them cake with rat poison icing. And I NEVER send them exploding cigarettes. And I NEVER send them Men’s Rumps Magazine to try to get them killed.

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~ An ambulance speeding a woman to a hospital was held up for fifteen minutes at a tunnel because the staff was made to pay the toll.The emergency ambulance was refused passage by the toll taker. In addition, authorities were called to the scene to investigate why the vehicle was in the EXACT CHANGE lane when they in fact, did NOT have exact change.Said the ambulance driver, QUOTE: "You’d expect a little understanding, considering the situation." The toll taker defended himself stating QUOTE: "It was strictly a FINANCIAL decision. The car driving taxpayers are tired of paying tolls to subsidize busses and critically ill people. No one is exempt from the toll. Not people who are lost, not diplomats, not celebrities, and not so-called ‘emergency personnel.’ If they were so worried about that dying broad in the back, they would have started scraping up some quarters from the seat cushions!"

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~ When a visitor to their island community got drunk and kept them awake all night with his singing, the monks of Caldey Island couldn't tell him to shut up -- because of their vow of silence.

The silent monks tried to convey their displeasure by using hand gestures such as double-middle-finger holy cross of death, the fist of fury, and by simply spitting on the drunken fool. When those tactics proved unsuccessful, the monks huddled up. They broke their embrace and jumped up to begin fighting Shaolin-crazy-zebra style.

Their faces painted with black and white stripes, they showed the drunk sinner how Jesus would turn the other cheek. They did this by bitch-slapping his face in either direction. The battle concluded when a younger monk decidedly ‘went too far’ as he took his Zebra Style to mean he should dominate the drunk by mounting him from behind, with his legs dangling and his arms draped over his shoulders. The other monks simply shook their heads, and the Mounted Zebra Monk removed himself and walked humbly back into his study.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. line2.gif (4324 bytes)

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