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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

01/24/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

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w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Naughty, Dirty in-your-parents’-bed High School Sex. It was wrong. It was hormonal. It was AWESOME.

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~ Rapper-turned-moviemaker Ice Cube heated up the box office as his low-budget urban comedy "Next Friday" debuted in the No. 1 slot.

Ice Cube is not the first Rapper to make his way into other realms of Entertainment. The Fresh Prince AKA Will Smith moved from Rap, to a Sitcom, to Movies. L.L. Cool J did the same. Queen Latifah and Ice T made similar moves. But Ice Cube has never been through the sitcom or talk show phase. Says the forever hard core Cube QUOTE: "I would at some point like my own TV talk show. I’ll call it Nigga TV. The show topic will be "Bitches who don’t know when the F^&! to Shut they Mouths." When asked what OTHER topics his show would feature, he looked puzzled and stated QUOTE: "Nah, that will be the subject of EVERY show! Bitches need to shut the f^#& up! ‘Nah Mean?!"

In related news, Rapper Vanilla Ice attempted similar strides. However he went from Rap Star to Circus Clown to Roadie for the band Korn.

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~ A hoard of Viking artifacts found in a cave in southern Ireland is baffling archaeologists. The findings consisted of coins, bronze and silver ingots and conical objects made of silver wire.

And perhaps most prized was the absolute and SHORT, CURLY proof that Eric, was in fact, Red.

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~ Police say they had arrested a 70-year-old man after he walked into a school and held up the vice principal with a plastic gun.

The obviously deranged old man demanded that the school accept his homework assignment, despite it being over 50 years late.

Although threatened, the principal would not accept the outdated science project because QUOTE: "we now know that the Earth is not flat."

The old man was angered, threw down his toy gun and hid his dentures in the cafeteria mystery meatloaf.

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~ An American photographer wants 100 people to pose naked in Dublin, Ireland’s historic O'Connell Street.

The photographer is tentatively titling his work, Four Leaf Clovers and Irish Potatoes.

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~ A panic-stricken grandmother was rushed to a hospital suffering from a suspected heart attack after getting trapped in a car wash for 20 minutes.

In related news, the poor old granny hadn’t seen so much wax since her last mustache-removal.

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~ Bill Parcells doesn't want to return as coach of the New York Jets. Parcells and the Jets' prospective new owner had a lengthy meeting, during which the former coach reiterated his desire to stay retired.

HogWild News went further to discover Parcells’ ACTUAL response to the New York Jets organization. When being practically begged to return as coach, he calmly explained QUOTE: "I will return to your pathetic, sad semblance of a Professional Football Team when a few things happen. When pigs fly. When I piss Jell-O and the sky rains beer. When I stop looking like the Michelin man. When Roseanne stops eating. When Ally McBeal STARTS eating. When George W. Bush can name all 50 states. When Al Gore grows a personality. When Pam Anderson joins a nunnery. When MY ASS starts talking and MAKING SENSE! When Top 40 radio stations stop playing the same 6 six songs every 10 minutes. When the stupid TV News anchorman stops making jokes that the bad weather is the fault of the stupid weatherman. When the Pope stops believing in Jesus. When my feet stop stinking. When you freakin’ BUY A CLUE!

In response the Team owner asked QUOTE: "So, is it the money?"

Parcells then pulled off his shirt, yanked the owner’s head in between his flabby manboobies and jostled them back and forth.

The frazzled owner smiled and handed Parcells a crisp dollar bill.

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~ A researcher said he had helped a blind man see again using electrodes implanted into his brain and connected to a tiny television camera mounted on a pair of glasses.

Apparently the scientist had an evil sense of humor since the blind man can only see with the glasses on, and the special glasses were actually part of a bushy eyebrow Groucho Marx mask.

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~ Scientists are expected to give up attempts to locate the ill-fated Mars Polar Lander, which disappeared as it started a descent to the Red Planet. The $165 million Lander was last heard of as it hit the Martian atmosphere near the planet's south pole.

In a last ditch effort to find the missing probe, NASA is launching a special space craft to Mars loaded with Milk Cartons that have a picture of the missing Lander and ask, "Have you seen Me?"

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~ Vice President Al Gore accused Republican presidential front-runner George W. Bush of refusing to take a stand on the Confederate flag flying over the South Carolina State House in order not to offend bigoted voters.

The not-so-swift George Bush answered those charges QUOTE: "I didn’t take a stand on that issue because I didn’t know that South Carolina was an actual state. Didn’t they secede or something?"

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~ If you are a man who has difficulty controlling your sexual responses in public, beware. The eyes of Mississippi are upon you.

The Southern state is considering a public-sex-and-nudity law with a provision that would make it illegal for sexually aroused men to appear in public. The law would define nudity to include ``the showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state.''

In response this proposed policing of the penis, we go to our Hero of Humans Hung like Humble Hamsters, HogWild.

Daaaaamn! Hog: This is re-dickalus! It’s not MY fault I sometimes get a teepee in my pants. It’s Calvin Klein’s fault! Just look at the bims in those billboards! And everytime I see a bus with a poster of Jennifer Love-Hewitt—oh man, I sure get "turgid."

And what the hell does TURGID mean? Why can’t these lawmakers use NORMAL words? I’ve never been watching a movie and said to my buddy, "Dude, my jammy is so TURGID right now." Or, "I’ve got MAJOR turgidity."

Plus sometimes I get Turgid for NO REASON! It just happens! And sometimes when I hold my pee for a long time, I get a Turgid Turban on my Tower.

And how would police ENFORCE this law? "Excuse me sir, you seem to be rather Turgid today! Where’s the fire cowboy? I’ll have to ARREST you for that concealed WEAPON. You have the right to remain Flaccid. Any wood you have CAN and WILL be shown to a HUNG jury in a court of law."

With my joke of a jammy, I’ll have to BEG cops to arrest me on that charge. I’ll be like "Officer! Look I’m in public and I’m Turgid. Recklessly TURGID! Good Lord Officer lock me up, for heaven’s sake they are CHILDREN out here!"

The Cop would be like, "I’m sorry sir, but there is simply insufficient EVIDENCE to believe that."

AAAH!!!!

Getting locked up in Mississippi might actually HELP me with the bims!

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~ President Saddam Hussein marked the ninth anniversary of the Gulf War by urging Iraqis not to lose hope in the face of crippling U.N. sanctions.

In related news, his pathetic optimism can only be sympathized by fans of the Cleveland Browns.

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~ An obstetrician is being investigated -- and sued -- after he allegedly carved his initials on a woman's abdomen after performing a Caesarean section because he felt he had done such ``a beautiful job."

The patient is asking for over 5 million bacon bits for being made to feel like "a branded animal."

The doctor said that her charge is unfounded, QUOTE: "My initials on her stomach do not make her a branded animal. Now as for the initials I carved on her ASS, well . . ."

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 -The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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