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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

01/31/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Light. It helps us see. It’s like Darkness, but with less Roaches.

~ The St. Louis Rams won Super Bowl XXXIV 23-16, stopping the Tennessee Titans on the 1-yard line as time expired. After Tennessee erased a 16-0 deficit to tie the game, Rams quarterback, and Jesus Freak, Kurt Warner threw a 73-yard touchdown pass.

Preached Warner QUOTE: "Before I answer that, first things first, I’d like to thank the Lord our Savior Jesus Christ! It was a Hail Mary kind of pass, I threw it up into the air, and one of Jesus’ angels swept down and carried it into Heaven’s Gates. I don’t deserve the MVP, it belongs to Jesus. Jesus rules man! Jesus rocks! Ya know, I don’t even wear a protective cup. I just wear a big old wooden Cross around my waist. Because I know Jesus will save my soul—and my testes!"

In related news: dude, it’s only a game.

~ Freezing rain and snow caused misery from the Carolinas to Maryland, knocking out power, coating roads with ice and putting a damper on Super Bowl parties.

They were especially unprepared for the snowstorm in South Carolina. Some people claimed the unexpected storm was brought on by their refusal to bring down their offensive Confederate Flag.

The Governor however refuted this notion, and blamed the act of God on QUOTE: "those damn queers who vote Democrat and read those Jew-media Newspapers." He then added in defense of the Flag, QUOTE: "It ain’t offensive. It’s about Pride. We have PRIDE in our hatred of blacks, Jews, Indians, Asians, and French speaking Eskimos.

~ British education officials were red-faced after having to scrap 48,000 literacy posters sent to teachers with glaring spelling mistakes.

One such error the department failed to spot was that ``vocabulary'' was misspelled ``vocabluary'' on the posters.

In a written letter of apology, the Department asked that the Teachers QUOTE: "Pleas fergive are obveeis errers. It want happin agin."

In related news, if the ENGLISH can’t speak English, how the heck can we expect it of New York City Taxi Drivers?

~ Legislation to set up compulsory showers for pigs in sties throughout Denmark has hit trouble as politicians fight over the weight of animals to qualify.

``The bill is designed as an animal welfare measure. Sweaty pigs love being showered in the sticky summer heat,'' said the National Pig Production Committee, adding that big pigs needed the showers most.

In related news, while on vacation to Europe last summer, perspiring American Talk Show host Ricki Lake was hog-tied and forced to shower against her will.

Said Denmark’s National Pig Production Committee, QUOTE: "We had some trouble tying her down at first, but once we shut her snout, we were able to get her bloated hooves together and throw her into the water."

~ Two young Colombian sisters who underwent liposuction together to get rid of some extra pounds wound up paying for the surgery with their lives. Police said the sisters died in the recovery room of a clinic soon after the cosmetic surgery to have some fat removed from their abdomens and thighs.

Said the doctor’s lawyer, QUOTE: "Unfortunately, death is always a risk in any surgical procedure. Especially when the liposuction is performed in an unorthodox way."

That unorthodox way included the Physician sucking on a large crazy-straw inserted in the women’s fat.

In related news, perhaps the women should have left when they saw that the bootleg doctor’s anesthesia was nothing more than a shot of Jack Daniel’s followed by a sharp hammer to the back of the head.

~ Nashville's cops became fugitives after a radio station announced, unbeknownst to the police, that one of the city's uniformed officers was carrying two tickets to the Super Bowl, free for the asking.

In related news, over 300 people were arrested after begging Cops, "Do you have it? Do you have what I need?"

299 were charged with seeking illegal drugs. Marv Albert was charged with seeking a male Prostitute.

~ According to a new poll, many Americans, if given the chance to eat dinner with one person from the past 100 years, would opt not for a political or social celebrity, but for a family member.

Of the famous people voted for, the most popular was Albert Einstein so he could explain his groundbreaking Theory of Relativity.

The least popular person was the e-world’s most e-nnoying, e-entertainer, HogWild. The few people who did want to eat dinner with him just wanted to see if they could prove the theory "Stupid is as Stupid does."

 

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger has closed a deal to star in ``Collateral Damage,'' about a man who goes after the terrorist who murdered his wife and child in a bombing.

In real life he starred in "Cardiac Damage", the story of what Steroids will do to corrode your arteries.

~ Pregnant actress is Catherine Zeta Jones is considering converting to Judaism before her marriage to Hollywood star Michael Douglas.

Said the beautiful brunette shiksa, QUOTE: "The pre-nup may prevent me from getting half if we divorce, but if I become Jewish I’ll get a Bat Mitzvah. And I hear that’s where the REAL money is."

~A cyber-confessional has been launched which allows sinners to unburden their souls by typing transgressions ``into a space provided'' and using the Internet to make peace with God.

Thanks to FNP (Free Net Porn), this marks the first time that Christians can simultaneously search for Sin AND ask for forgiveness at the SAME TIME.

Creators of the Confessional Website believe that today’s busy e-Christian wants to multi-task redemption with inter-racial anal Asian midget porn.

~A German political party said it was dropping plans to use a picture of Adolf Hitler on posters in a local election campaign.

The poster put Hitler's face above a warning that the state needs more teachers.

The message was SUPPOSED to imply that poor education would lead to children being easily swayed and could bring a return to a rise of a Nazi leader.

However, putting a picture of Adolf Hitler above the statement, "We Need More Teachers" lead MOST people to the OBVIOUS correlation, that most Educators are tyrannical, maniacal, control-freaks with odd facial hair.

  -The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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