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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

02/07/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

HOGWILD.NET!!

w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Goosebumps. You may think we’re just an ugly reaction to cold temperatures, but we’re the ones who tell a woman’s nipples to pop up. Do you like us now? So the next time you see a pair of headlights at the pool, remember who turned ‘em on, Goosebumps.

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~ The truly incompetent may never know the depths of their own incompetence, social psychologists say.

In related news, Bill Clinton yesterday again congratulated himself on the terrific job he’s done as President.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ A popular Taiwan bistro with a Nazi death camp theme has apologized and removed pictures of Holocaust victims and other decorations that had upset Jewish groups.

Jewish groups have complained about the use of Holocaust imagery including pictures of gaunt prisoners in Nazi concentration camps and toilets labeled ``gas chamber''.

Said one Jewish patron, QUOTE: "What really upset me was, when I went to wash my hands, the soap was labeled, ‘Abraham Bernstein.’ And all the ashtrays were filled with little bits of bone and hair. And don’t get me started about the huge pile of shoes in the corner."

While this restaurant may be modifying its decor, plans are still in place to start up "Middle Passage", an eatery that actually sends its employees out to your home to kidnap you, rape your wife, and then force you to work in their restaurant for no pay. Reportedly, African-Americans are enraged with this, especially when they learned that their only treat, sugar cubes, were being replaced by Sweet-n-Low™ Cubes.

Said prominent black misLeader Jessie Jackson QUOTE: "This is an OUTRAGE!

They dig up images of horror and when I get a sweet-taste hankerin’,

They DENY me sugar and give me cancer-causing Saccharine!"

When asked what he thought of the Concentration Camp motif, he said QUOTE: "Oh those heimey’s are always whining!"

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~ According to a recent poll, most Americans are pretty happy with the direction that the country appears to be headed.

In related news, MOST Americans ALSO believe that Professional Wrestling is an actual sport.

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~ The family of antidepressant medications that includes Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft may cause teeth-grinding and associated headaches, researchers report. But adding the antidepressant drug Buspar appears to provide relief from these symptoms.

When asked for comment, major Pharmaceutical companies DENIED that they purposefully create drugs that will have side effects that require ADDITIONAL drugs to compensate. Said one executive QUOTE: "Just because our laxative brand happens to cause headaches and we stock it on shelves right next to our Aspirin doesn’t mean you have to jump to conclusions! And whoever said that our Aspirin causes impotence is just out to get us. It ONLY causes SLIGHT erectile dysfunction when taken with our laxative. And we’ve got Viagra to fix that. Oh, but that does cause an increase in appetite. But hell, we’ve got an appetite suppressant for that. And its only side effect is constipation!"

HOGWILD.NET!!

~A new syndicated TV series is set for a Fall Debut starring NBA star Dennis Rodman, who will play a brilliant strategist with a bullet in his brain.

The show clearly has some serious flaws. The first being that viewers can believe that Dennis has a brain.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~According to a survey, young people, regardless of age or socioeconomic background, have a serious lack of knowledge about the nature, symptoms, and consequences of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as chlamydia and gonorrhea.

But if you think about it, it COULD be worse. Kids tend to know more about things that are personally relevant to them. They could know all about the diseases and have a checklist of STD’s.

v Herpes- hurt like a bitch to pee

v Crabs – smelled like my gym socks

v GCR (General Crotch Rot) – Green stuff was pussing from the scabs on my Jammy

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ First lady Hillary Rodham Clinton made history on Sunday, becoming the FIRST non-attractive woman to turn down President Clinton’s sexual advances.

She is also the first U.S. president's wife ever to seek political office.

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~In the latest study to find balding men have a higher risk of heart disease, researchers said the association may be caused by higher levels of male hormones like testosterone in the hair-impaired.

Researchers have not ruled out other possible causes for the correlation between male baldness and heart disease. These include:

The Stress of Being constantly told, "if you were a Stadium, you’d be the Skin Dome."

Intense Summer Sun beating down on his exposed craniums.

And the constant humiliation of having young ladies ask him to bend over so they can use his reflective scalp to adjust their make up.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Regis Philbin, host of the hottest game show on television, has offered to fill in for David Letterman while the star of CBS' late-night talk show recovers from open-heart surgery.

The Regis idea however was canned when during a trial run he asked sidekick Paul Schaeffer if the band leader’s remark would be his "FINAL witty quip? Or would you like to poll the audience to see if it was funny?"

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Scientists say the failure of China and India to phase out dangerous chemicals threatens the progress made in healing the earth's protective ozone layer.

While China maintains its dangerous war chemicals are necessary to keep peace within its friendly Commie-Pinko borders in order to suppress silly Freedom Rallies, India is another story. India claims to have no dangerous chemicals. Instead it blames a small segment of its population that refuse to bathe and use their own feces as deodorant. To solve the problem, these citizens are being deported and sent to America to be Taxi Drivers.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Research has found that gifts, meals and education programs paid for by pharmaceutical companies influence physician prescribing habits.

Top Physicians predictably DENIED these accusations stating that they handle drug prescriptions on a case by case basis. The President of the American Medical Association stated firmly, QUOTE: "I have never let any outside corporation interfere with my patient relationship. The advice of your Doctor cannot be bought."

He then drove away in his shiny new purple car adorned with Pfizer decals and a license plate reading "VIAGRA9." His automobile was also shaped like a Giant Penis.

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 ~ A poll found that almost a third of French adults have considered committing suicide.

In related news, is it really surprising that FRENCH people would just—give up?

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 The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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