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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

02/14/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

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w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Hot Egg Rolls. You Got Egg Rolls? Didn’t think so. EGG ROLLS YUMMY! Full of pork slivers, rice, vegetables and some miscellaneous slimy stuff. I’m not sure what the hell is in it, but I love Egg Rolls!

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~ Police in Japan are taking aim at a new menace to road safety -- platform shoes. The offending footwear, a must-have item for thousands of young Japanese girls, has been blamed for contributing to car accidents by slowing the time it takes for drivers to hit the brakes in an emergency.

Experts agree that it is the SHOES that are causing the car accidents and not, as baseball’s John RocKKKer suggests, QUOTE: "their small, slanty Chink eyes."

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~ Robbers stole a car owned by the wife of Brazil's President, less than three months after her husband's car was similarly taken.

The President did not remark on the sad state of his personal security, but instead bemoaned that he left his CD player on the seat. Said the President’s mom QUOTE: "I’ve told him a thousand times, never leave valuables out in plain view!" The South American leader offered the weak comeback, "But Mom, I’m the PRESIDENT!" Mom’s response was something to the effect of "president, shmesident."

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ The World Wrestling Federation announced it was forming a new ''football with attitude'' league starting in February 2001.

The new league, called the XFL, will feature some rule changes to accommodate the tastes of pro wrestling fans. Each team will field 11 players and 1 collapsible metal chair. The playing field will enclosed by 3 ropes. The Defense is encouraged to jump off the top rope to make tackles. Pulling the Face Mask will no longer be a penalty. 2 Fingers to the Eyes will result in an extra point. All quarterback sacks must be in the form of either a suplex, atomic knee drop, or Full Nelson Camel Clutch.

In addition to these rule modifications, Referees in the WWF sponsored XFL, will be encouraged to "turn the other way" while INFRACTIONS of the rules are taking place. Refs will frequently be distracted by screaming coaches with bullhorns and hot slut Cheerleaders who hand off hammers and wrenches to team mates.

Steroids will no longer be illegal, but REQUIRED. In fact the ONLY rule that will be enforced is the "Intentional Face Paint Smudging." And finally, the Super Bowl Ring will replaced by the Intercontinental World Heavy Weight Super Bowl Belt.

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~ A requirement by Oklahoma's textbook committee that state science textbooks include a disclaimer against evolution has been thrown out.

One supporter of the disclaimer screamed QUOTE: "Scientific Fact has no place in Oklahoma Schools. We believe in God. And we don’t need no big brain so-called scientist tellin’ us we comes from Monkeys!

The uninformed hairy hunchback man then slowly crept back to his cave with his long prehensile tail trailing behind.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Wriggling Rubber Cartoon characters have been enlisted by an e-commerce company to sell condoms online to men too embarrassed to ask for them at the store.

We go to the often Humiliated Ho for Humor, HogWild for his comments:

DAAAAMN! I don’t get it! A man should not be embarrassed by purchasing condoms. He should be embarrassed by NOT getting condoms. Corner store is like, "Well well Mr. Smith, haven’t seen YOU here in a while. No action last month?"

Back in the day I would be buyin’ Jammy-Jumpsuits every DAY. "Yeah, how’s it goin’. Just need another box of those Double X, "Feels like a Tongue Inside Every Rubber" Condoms. Yup, the ladies just can’t get enough." Sure this charade wasn’t really fooling anybody but it helped my ego. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of when buying your Penile-Protection. Let’s think about this. No condom used during sex. Then the bim gets pregnant. Now THAT’s embarrassing. Especially after you found out she was a 12 year old runaway! Use a Jammy-Jumpsuit. Don’t be a Buffoon, shoot it into the Balloon.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ South Carolinians are almost equally divided regarding whether to remove or keep the Confederate battle flag flying over the State House.

41.4% of whites want it removed. The other 89% are what we call Backwards Rednecks who claim to love Jesus but skip Church every Sunday to watch muscle bound men in one-piece spandex suits sit on each other.

73.6% of Hispanics want the Flag removed. The other 14% are just trying to fit in as Backwards Rednecks who claim to love Jesus but skip Church every Sunday to watch muscle bound men in one-piece spandex suits sit on each other.

84.1% of blacks support the removal of the flag. The other 20% are Uncle Tom Negroes who believe they would be better if they were still Slaves because at least they got a Sugar Cube every so often. But the stats may be skewed because in South Carolinaeach black vote is only counted as 5/8ths.

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~ Is there a TV couple that you really wish you and your spouse could be just like? Most Americans say yes, in a recent poll. The highest number of respondents said Cliff and Claire Huxtable from The Cosby Show. Next most popular were the leading couple from Dharma and Greg, followed by Home Improvement, Mad About You and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Many men answered with John Goodman and Roseanne. But only with the condition that they could dump that lard-ass Roseanne and marry their eldest television daughter.

In only somewhat related news, HogWild says that he would like to carress the file folders on that hottie secretary on Third Rock from the Sun.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ The leader of rock band Bush recited a Jewish prayer during a concert in Austria to show solidarity with fans opposed to the country's new right-wing government.

Bush’s leadership has inspired other musicians to take up the fight against the new Nazi government in Austria as well. The are forming a coalition of united Artists to form a program called, Rock the Holocaust™. Says Bush leader singer Gavin Rossdale, QUOTE: "With Rock the Holocaust™ we want to raise awareness of the 6 million Jews murdered, but in an entertaining way. Plus it’s not that hard to find words to rhyme with ‘Genocide.’

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ A plan by Delta Airlines to give workers personal computers and Internet access at home could signal a growing trend by firms to extend the workplace into cyberspace.

As for Delta Airlines, a spokeswoman explained the move QUOTE: "We want to extend our inefficient reservation and checked baggage system to our employees’ homes. We are committed to helping our non-dedicated staff overbook flights and misdirect luggage from the convenience of their couch.

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~ Of all the crazy and brilliant ways Internet companies say they can make money, Buy.com has been distinguished for being among the craziest and the most brilliant.

The Internet superstore is so focused on pricing below the competition that it will sell its products on the thinnest of margins or even take a loss to close a deal. Throw in the supplemental revenue from advertising sales on the site, and Buy.com says, it has a solid business model.

It best source of income so far has been its extensive "Highly Addictive Controlled Substances" Section. Says the Buy.com CEO QUOTE: "We sell these drugs, your heroin, cocaine, PCP, etc. at very low prices, way below our competition’s. Then we get money from advertisers who put ads on our site focused to this niche yet very dedicated market. We bombard our ‘users’ with ads for Home Urine Test, Books like ‘101 Ways to Hide those Ugly Track Marks’, and self-help tapes. Plus our big seller was the Marion Barry Crack Ho Bikini Calendar. You’ve never seen girls this skinny!"

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 The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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