HOGWILD.NET  semi-hilarious comedy every day 

| EXPERT DATING ADVICE | DATING ADVICE | DATING COACH | MEMBERS | STORE | FUNNY PICTURES | FUNNY RANTSCOMEDY VIDEOS | DATING ADVICE MAN | CARTOONS | CHATSGAMES | LINKS | COMEDY SHOWS | CONTACT | JOIN NOW |

HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

02/28/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

HOGWILD.NET!!

w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Sluts Anonymous. We do-it with bags over our heads!

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Movie critic Rex Reed was arrested after he was caught by store security allegedly removing three compact discs from a midtown Manhattan record store.

 Reed says he was simply borrowing the CDs for review on his television show. Critics give his flimsy excuse,  2 Thumbs down. Unfortunately with a name like REX, he’ll probably get 2 thumbs UP if he receives jail time.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Top scientists warn that cold weather this winter is thinning the ozone layer over the Arctic, part of a worsening trend which will expose Europeans to skin cancer and other diseases.

Comparing the holes in the ozone layer to male pattern baldness, some LESS respected scientists suggested using Ozone Hair®, Ozone that you spray on.

In related news, world humanitarian Marv Albert offered his toupee to conceal the missing patches of Ozone.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Twenty-two people were killed when tornadoes swept through southwestern Georgia.

There has been no word as to whether the wind storms were the result of the hot air spewing from the mouth of Georgia native John RocKKKer.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Two Massachusetts entrepreneurs have launched Split-Up.com, a package of advice and software products intended to help smooth the breakup for couples seeking divorce.

Said Larry King QUOTE: “I love this computer package! I’m going to use it for ALL my future divorces. I can download prenuptial agreements, freeze my assets, and even legally require her to relinquish my last name-- all with the click of a mouse! Plus it has templates so I can save my most common settings. It really makes the process of emotionally, physically, and financially separating from your wife a total breeze. It’s actually fun to break up again!”

Other users of the software agree. Spouses really like the easy drag and drop interface. “I just clicked on the little baby icon, dragged it over to my side of the screen, and WALLA, I have custody of the kids! And it’s really cool how when you drag the baby, it has this animation that kicks and screams.”

Other features include an automatic email to everyone on your buddy list notifying them of the big split-up. There’s a chat room for both sides of the family to argue over who caused the breakup. And a “Post to eBay” option that lets you secretly auction off important possessions of your spouse.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Around 3,000 Jordanians led by one of King Abdullah's brothers marched to the parliament to demand the scrapping of a law that allows leniency to those who commit crimes of passion.

The current law exempts from punishment those who kill female relatives found or suspected of committing adultery.

In the U.S. sometimes a person will falsely shout, “Put down the gun!”, then fire at the person they want to murder to make it look like self-defense. In JORDAN, it is common for men to shout “Put down the Jammy!” before they shoot their wives.

When police investigate, the murderer always maintains, “I swear, I thought she was holding a Jammy.”

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ The world's oldest-known Valentine's Day message, written in 1477, was unveiled at the British Library and proves that when it comes to love, some things never change.

In related news, smashed up against the card was the World’s oldest chocolate covered cherry. One daring scientist tasted it and found it to be fine, remarking that it was so full of preservatives it could have lasted ANOTHER 500 years.  So if you want to get a gift to last her a lifetime, get her a diamond or a chocolate covered cherry. My vote is for the chocolate since it’s easier to digest.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ A comatose Brazilian woman who has been on life support for five months gave birth this week to a healthy baby boy.

It is uncertain if this will cause psychological damage to her son, being that his first impression of a woman is in a coma with her nipples exposed.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ In good news for traditional romantics, Americans say it took more than a year before their best relationships became intimate. In the nationwide survey, 22.3% said that in their most successful personal relationship, physical intimacy came after more than a year.

Unfortunately for Jeremy the Bloated Jew, his most successful relationship has been with doughnuts. There has been no official word on how that jelly got on his Jammy.

In even MORE disturbing news, Dr. Salami’s best personal relationship is with his pet gerbil. Dr. Salami insists that he loves his small rodent as a pet and does not wish to make the jump to the “next level.”

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ The BBC said it has secured a major deal to license the popular Teletubbies pre-school children's program to Russia.

Russia originally REJECTED the offer because they thought the unbalanced, stammering, and nonsensical chubby Telletubbies were a slam directed at Boris Yeltsin.

HOGWILD.NET!!

~A study has found that the standard European Union size of condom is often too big for German men.

A study by a leading German condom manufacturer found standard-sized condoms falling off half of the men studied. ``The average German penis is about 3.5 to 4 millimeters (0.13 to 0.15 inches) too narrow for the standard EN 600 condom.''

Said the homeless Graphic retArtist Dr. Salami, QUOTE: “Now THAT was the worst job I ever had. And since WHEN is it protocol to measure weiner-shnitzels with your MOUTH!”

In related news, the Krauts say they are ready for all of the World’s jokes. Said one German with a Thin Tongue Depressor, QUOTE: “I’ve heard ‘em all. Slim Jim, Pencil Prick, Pinky Penis, Lean Beam, DerTinyCockenheimer, Needle-Nads, Flimsy Frankfurter, The Embarrassment to Berlin, SS stands for Skinny Stick, NAZI stands for Nearing Almost Zero Inches . . .”

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Brazilian beer companies that used bikini-clad women and tongue-in-cheek claims of medical cures to lure consumers to guzzle their brands have agreed to practice self-restraint in their racy advertisements.

Complained one Beer executive QUOTE: “Jeez, since when is it a CRIME to use Sex to sell Beer? What if we showed what it’s REALLY like to drink beer? A commercial where a fat ass in dirty jeans and a stained wife-beater t-shirt slurps a can of brew while he swats the flies off of his greasy hair. Yeah, THAT’S gonna move a lot of product. So we embellish a little. Clean the nub up. Take the gnats out of his hair and give him all his teeth. Replace his lard-ridden love-handles with iron abs. Replace his ugly wife with 6 incredibly endowed bikini bims. Replace his kids with ice cold cases of freshly opened bottles. Beer isn’t about REALITY. It’s about DRINKIN’! Drinkin’ to ESCAPE your stinkin’ reality! Bring on the bims!

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ A passenger of a Philippine light aircraft took over the controls after the pilot died of a heart attack, guiding the plane to a splashdown in the sea.

Recalls the hero QUOTE: “I remember that commercial where they tell you to give aspirin to a person having a heart attack. So I crammed like 10 pills down his throat. But since he was having a heart attack he couldn’t breathe too good, so he kinda choked on ‘em. Sort of ironic, ay?”

HOGWILD.NET!!

~ Dozens of Internet surfers bid in a prank to ``buy'' a fictitious girl's virginity only to have their names, addresses and messages to the young woman published later.

Said one nub who was duped QUOTE: “I knew I should never trust a site with a bootleg name like eBabe!”

Confessed another such moron-man QUOTE: “But it was just so tempting. A virgin! So pure. So innocent.”

In related news, since when do “pure and innocent” girls ask for Sex on the Internet!

HOGWILD.NET!!

 The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

HOGWILD.NET!!

 Click to go read more HogWild News! Cartoons!

CLICK to find out how to get your Money Making Viewbar!

This is the SAME program HogWild uses. Find out how to make money $urfing, and how to get a Free HogWild MP3! CLICK!

* FREE Semi-Funny HOGWILD.NET Newsletter! Just email Hog with the subject: GIMME!


Come on Hogstaz, SHARE A LAUGH! Tell a friend!


HOGWILD.NET Name Email
You:
Your Amigo:

The Earth's #1 place to Shop!Metallica S & M !Ain't Nothin' But a Hog Thang, BABY!Da New Beastie Boys!

BUY IT ONLY THRU HOGWILD.NET FOR A CHANCE TO WIN FREE COMEDY DOWNLOADS!

Bims like Flowers, visit Flower Farm

www.hogwild.net Semi-Hilarious Comedy EVERY DAY.
Copyright © Hog-Wild! Entertainment. All rights reserved.  So back the hell off, you silly little thumb-sucker.
Revised: February 28, 2000 hogwild.net--- TELL A FRIEND!!

| EXPERT DATING ADVICE | DATING ADVICE | DATING COACH | MEMBERS | STORE | FUNNY PICTURES | FUNNY RANTSCOMEDY VIDEOS | DATING ADVICE MAN | CARTOONS | CHATSGAMES | LINKS | COMEDY SHOWS | CONTACT | JOIN NOW |