HOGWILD.NET semi-hilarious comedy every day
| EXPERT DATING ADVICE | DATING ADVICE | DATING COACH | MEMBERS | STORE | FUNNY PICTURES | FUNNY RANTS | COMEDY VIDEOS | DATING ADVICE MAN | CARTOONS | CHATS | GAMES | LINKS | COMEDY SHOWS | CONTACT | JOIN NOW |
HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL
HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Sluts Anonymous. We do-it with bags over our heads!
~ Movie critic Rex Reed was
arrested after he was caught by store security allegedly removing three
compact discs from a midtown Manhattan record store.
Reed says he was simply borrowing
the CDs for review on his television show. Critics give his flimsy
excuse, 2 Thumbs down.
Unfortunately with a name like REX, he’ll probably get 2 thumbs UP if he
receives jail time.
~ Top scientists warn that cold weather
this winter is thinning the ozone layer over the Arctic, part of a worsening
trend which will expose Europeans to skin cancer and other diseases.
Comparing the holes in the ozone layer
to male pattern baldness, some LESS respected scientists suggested
using Ozone Hair®, Ozone that you spray on.
In related news, world humanitarian Marv
Albert offered his toupee to conceal the missing patches of
~ Twenty-two people were killed when tornadoes
swept through southwestern Georgia.
There has been no word as to whether the
wind storms were the result of the hot air spewing from the mouth of Georgia
native John RocKKKer.
~ Two Massachusetts entrepreneurs have
launched Split-Up.com, a package of advice and software products
intended to help smooth the breakup for couples seeking divorce.
Said Larry King QUOTE: “I love this
computer package! I’m going to use it for ALL my future divorces. I can
download prenuptial agreements, freeze my assets, and even legally require
her to relinquish my last name-- all with the click of a mouse! Plus it has
templates so I can save my most common settings. It really makes the process
of emotionally, physically, and financially separating from your wife a
total breeze. It’s actually fun to break up again!”
Other users of the software agree.
Spouses really like the easy drag and drop interface. “I just
clicked on the little baby icon, dragged it over to my side of the screen,
and WALLA, I have custody of the kids! And it’s really cool how when you
drag the baby, it has this animation that kicks and screams.”
Other features include an automatic
email to everyone on your buddy list notifying them of the big split-up.
There’s a chat room for both sides of the family to argue over who
caused the breakup. And a “Post to eBay” option that lets you
secretly auction off important possessions of your spouse.
~ Around 3,000 Jordanians led by one of King Abdullah's brothers marched to the parliament to demand the scrapping of a law that allows leniency to those who commit crimes of passion.
The current law exempts from punishment
those who kill female relatives found or suspected of committing adultery.
In the U.S. sometimes a person
will falsely shout, “Put down the gun!”, then fire at the person they
want to murder to make it look like self-defense. In JORDAN, it is common
for men to shout “Put down the Jammy!” before they shoot their wives.
When police investigate, the murderer
always maintains, “I swear, I thought she was holding a Jammy.”
~ The world's oldest-known Valentine's
Day message, written in 1477, was unveiled at the British Library and proves
that when it comes to love, some things never change.
In related news, smashed up against the
card was the World’s oldest chocolate covered cherry. One daring
scientist tasted it and found it to be fine, remarking that it was so full
of preservatives it could have lasted ANOTHER 500 years.
So if you want to get a gift to last her a lifetime, get her a
diamond or a chocolate covered cherry. My vote is for the chocolate since
it’s easier to digest.
~ A comatose Brazilian woman who
has been on life support for five months gave birth this week to a
healthy baby boy.
It is uncertain if this will cause psychological
damage to her son, being that his first impression of a woman is in a
coma with her nipples exposed.
~ In good news for traditional
romantics, Americans say it took more than a year before their best
relationships became intimate. In the nationwide survey, 22.3% said
that in their most successful personal relationship, physical intimacy came
after more than a year.
Unfortunately for Jeremy the Bloated
Jew, his most successful relationship has been with doughnuts. There has
been no official word on how that jelly got on his Jammy.
In even MORE disturbing news, Dr. Salami’s best personal relationship is with his pet gerbil. Dr. Salami insists that he loves his small rodent as a pet and does not wish to make the jump to the “next level.”
The BBC said it has secured a major deal to license the popular Teletubbies
pre-school children's program to Russia.
originally REJECTED the offer because they thought the unbalanced,
stammering, and nonsensical chubby Telletubbies were a slam directed at
study has found that the standard European Union size of condom is
often too big for German men.
study by a leading German condom manufacturer found standard-sized condoms falling
off half of the men studied. ``The average German penis is about
3.5 to 4 millimeters (0.13 to 0.15 inches) too narrow for the
standard EN 600 condom.''
the homeless Graphic retArtist Dr. Salami, QUOTE: “Now THAT was the worst
job I ever had. And since WHEN is it protocol to measure weiner-shnitzels
with your MOUTH!”
related news, the Krauts say they are ready for all of the World’s jokes.
Said one German with a Thin Tongue Depressor, QUOTE: “I’ve heard
‘em all. Slim Jim, Pencil Prick, Pinky Penis, Lean Beam, DerTinyCockenheimer,
Needle-Nads, Flimsy Frankfurter, The Embarrassment to Berlin, SS
stands for Skinny Stick, NAZI stands for Nearing Almost
Zero Inches . . .”
Brazilian beer companies that used bikini-clad women and
tongue-in-cheek claims of medical cures to lure consumers to guzzle their
brands have agreed to practice self-restraint in their racy advertisements.
Complained one Beer executive QUOTE:
“Jeez, since when is it a CRIME to use Sex to sell Beer? What if we
showed what it’s REALLY like to drink beer? A commercial where a fat
ass in dirty jeans and a stained wife-beater t-shirt slurps a can of
brew while he swats the flies off of his greasy hair. Yeah, THAT’S gonna
move a lot of product. So we embellish a little. Clean the nub up.
Take the gnats out of his hair and give him all his teeth. Replace his lard-ridden
love-handles with iron abs. Replace his ugly wife with 6 incredibly
endowed bikini bims. Replace his kids with ice cold cases of
freshly opened bottles. Beer isn’t about REALITY. It’s about DRINKIN’!
Drinkin’ to ESCAPE your stinkin’ reality! Bring on the bims!”
A passenger of a Philippine light aircraft took over the controls after the
pilot died of a heart attack, guiding the plane to a splashdown in
the hero QUOTE: “I remember that commercial where they tell you to give aspirin
to a person having a heart attack. So I crammed like 10 pills down his
throat. But since he was having a heart attack he couldn’t breathe too
good, so he kinda choked on ‘em. Sort of ironic, ay?”
Dozens of Internet surfers bid in a prank to ``buy'' a fictitious
girl's virginity only to have their names, addresses and messages to
the young woman published later.
one nub who was duped QUOTE: “I knew I should never trust a
site with a bootleg name like eBabe!”
another such moron-man QUOTE: “But it was just so tempting. A virgin! So
pure. So innocent.”
related news, since when do “pure and innocent” girls ask for Sex
on the Internet!
The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
This is the SAME program HogWild uses. Find out how to make money $urfing, and how to get a Free HogWild MP3! CLICK!
* FREE Semi-Funny HOGWILD.NET Newsletter! Just email Hog with the subject: GIMME!
BUY IT ONLY THRU HOGWILD.NET FOR A CHANCE TO WIN FREE COMEDY DOWNLOADS!
|Bims like Flowers, visit Flower Farm|
www.hogwild.net Semi-Hilarious Comedy EVERY
Copyright © Hog-Wild! Entertainment. All rights reserved. So back the hell off, you silly little thumb-sucker.
Revised: February 28, 2000. hogwild.net--- TELL A FRIEND!!