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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL
HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Toe Jam. Tommy’s Toe Jam provides 100% of your daily foot fungus, sock lint, and icky green squishy stuff.
~ A woman was arrested for trying to smuggle
drugs out of Colombia in oversized underwear that gave her breasts
and buttocks a large and unshapely appearance.
In related news, the woman was NOT Rosie
Authorities discovered the offender when
their Narcotics Dog (who has a natural proclivity to smelling butts) sniffed
HER butt and immediately began dancing like Ricky Martin in the Dallas
Cowboys’ locker room.
~ A Pennsylvania woman spent the better
part of an hour shopping at a neighborhood grocery store without
realizing that a passerby had stuck a knife into her neck, police
Darlene Jones set out from home on foot
before 7 a.m. when a running passerby slapped her on the back of the neck --
or so she thought. She kept on going, as if nothing had happened.
We go to the man who ate too many crayons
as a child, HogWild, for his retarded report:
~ Appalled by the spread of
English across the Internet, France has stepped up efforts to invent
its own jargon to describe the rapidly changing world of cyberspace and
In related news, the perennially
pubescent pre-vert Hogwild doesn’t care WHAT language the Internet is
in, as long as the pics of Snuggle-bubbles and snack trays are still
~ Rio's pampered pets can now get
into the spirit of the city's world-famous Carnival with party costumes
including tutus and wedding gowns to take them through five days of revelry.
One such pet, Paulo the Chihuahua dog,
was ready to trade his beads in exchange for the females flashing their
teats. But then he realized QUOTE: “All the bitches are ALREADY
In related news, HogWild sometimes
wishes he were a dog—but with one modification. Toilet water would
sometimes be replaced with orange soda.
~ An Arkansas beauty queen who
made speeches against alcohol abuse has handed in her crown after
being convicted of drunken driving.
And the troubles of the pretty 21-year-old may not end there, since she is under investigation for allegedly harassing members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving who monitored her trial.
During a court recess she was overheard shouting QUOTE: “If yawl think you’re MADD NOW, just wait ‘til I get done with ya.” The young woman then went “totally trailer” on the activists, pulling their hair and attempting to slam a washboard over their head while screaming phrases uttered by famous professional wrestlers.
~ Rio de Janeiro woke up hungry for more
controversy on the final day of the world famous Carnival parades after
the first samba schools whet the city's appetite with an abundance of topless
But one sculptural dancer who dared to
paint the Brazilian flag on her nude body was the focal point of both
the crowd and the police, who were going to apprehend the woman before she
threw on a shirt.
Said one officer, QUOTE: “It’s one
thing for women to bare their perky, supple breasts to thousands of
strangers, but painting our flag on your body—that just perverted!”
In related news, the obviously PATRIOTIC
woman did a nice job of emulating the WAVING of the flag as she bounced up
and down the street. More than one man stopped to salute and pledge
~ A battle over Howdy Doody, a
television puppet from the 1950s, intensifies this week as a Detroit museum
and the family of his puppeteer ask a federal judge to throw out the other
A Detroit museum is scuffling with the family
of the late puppeteer Rufus Rose over ownership of one of at least three
marionettes used in the broadcasts.
The grinning, freckle-faced puppet
brought smiles to millions of children during its run on TV. One controversy
surrounds the manner in which Howdy Doody should be put to rest. The family
wants the puppet to be buried near his creator. Said Rufus’ grandson,
QUOTE: “A man should be able to lie under his own Doody.”
The museum wants a more tradition
marionette cremation by termites.
In related news, there is a 100% chance
there will be NO SUCH passionate battle for the rights to the last
remaining puppet of ALF.
~ Sony said it had sold 980,000 of its PlayStation2
video game consoles within the first two days.
This continues the Japanese covert Operation
Brain Drain. For over 20 years, Japan, through the efforts of Nintendo,
Sony, Sega, et al has been draining the brains of American teenagers with
their video game systems. While Japanese children and studying and doing homework,
AMERICAN kids are jumping for mushrooms, saving a girl from an Ape named Donkey,
and basically robotically pushing buttons until their eyes bleed from
watching the glowing box. It’s a Japanese conspiracy! Wake up people!
Said the CEO of Nintendo, QUOTE:
“First we bombed Pearl Harbor, that was crude. Now we’re
bombarded them with advertisements for video games! It’s brilliant! The
kids demand the games and their weak-willed parents buy them! Ha Ha HA
His maniacal laughter continued on into
~ A federal court jury convicted three
white New York City police officers of conspiring to cover-up the 1997 sexual
torture of a Haitian immigrant in a Brooklyn police precinct bathroom,
an incident that sparked outrage over police brutality.
In a trial last year, officer Justin
Volpe pleaded guilty to the assault of holding the man and ramming a
wooden night stick into his rectum.
The rectal ramming victim suffered severe internal injuries that required several surgeries and he was hospitalized for more than two months.
Undoubtedly the courts will compensate
him generously for his pain and suffering, thus making him a poor immigrant
turned millionaire. Yes, this is another classic case of the American
Dream. A man leaves everything he has always known for a chance at a better
life in America. For an opportunity to pursue life, liberty, and happiness.
The land where hard work can make anybody a millionaire.
This destitute Haitian turned rich man will be walking those streets of freedom with a heavy wallet and a pronounced limp from the severe anal rape and sodomy of having a 24 inch stick slammed into lungs by way of his now stretched out and prone to spontaneously bleed anus.
From Sea to shining Sea
The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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