w/ Theodore

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~ A woman was arrested for trying to smuggle drugs out of Colombia in oversized underwear that gave her breasts and buttocks a large and unshapely appearance.

In related news, the woman was NOT Rosie O’Donnell.

Authorities discovered the offender when their Narcotics Dog (who has a natural proclivity to smelling butts) sniffed HER butt and immediately began dancing like Ricky Martin in the Dallas Cowboys’ locker room.

~ A Pennsylvania woman spent the better part of an hour shopping at a neighborhood grocery store without realizing that a passerby had stuck a knife into her neck, police said.

Darlene Jones set out from home on foot before 7 a.m. when a running passerby slapped her on the back of the neck -- or so she thought. She kept on going, as if nothing had happened.

We go to the man who ate too many crayons as a child, HogWild, for his retarded report:

Are we that cold and heartless as a society? C’mon now! If I’m at the grocery store and a woman has a huge wart on the back of her neck, I’m going to say something. Probably like, “EEEW! Mommy, mommy, it’s a Lizard Person!!” But that’s just me. Now if a person was walking around with some eye-snot, your average shopper probably doesn’t say anything. But what about giant boogie hanging out of their nose? Or some bird dookie on their shoulder? WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE PEOPLE?!!! I know, when someone is cruising the dairy aisle with a metal BLADE plunged into their neck! Why did no one SAY anything?! All it would have taken was a concerned fellow human being to say, “Excuse me, Ma’am, you have a deadly weapon gorged in your neck. Just wanted to let you know.” Were people too afraid they would OFFEND the woman? It’s like if you tell a motorist they have a flat tire, many times they ALREADY KNOW it, so they sarcastically reply, “Thanks buddy!”, or “Bite it Sherlock!”  But in THIS scenario, do you really think this lady would be like, “Oh the knife-thing, DUH! I think I KNOW that I’ve been STABBED and only have hours to live! But, THANKS!” No you mashed potatoes for brains populous! She would have shown sincere gratitude and then run over to Kitchenware so they could remove it!

~ Appalled by the spread of English across the Internet, France has stepped up efforts to invent its own jargon to describe the rapidly changing world of cyberspace and e-commerce.

In related news, the perennially pubescent pre-vert Hogwild doesn’t care WHAT language the Internet is in, as long as the pics of Snuggle-bubbles and snack trays are still in color.

~ Rio's pampered pets can now get into the spirit of the city's world-famous Carnival with party costumes including tutus and wedding gowns to take them through five days of revelry.

One such pet, Paulo the Chihuahua dog, was ready to trade his beads in exchange for the females flashing their teats. But then he realized QUOTE: “All the bitches are ALREADY naked.”

In related news, HogWild sometimes wishes he were a dog—but with one modification. Toilet water would sometimes be replaced with orange soda.

~ An Arkansas beauty queen who made speeches against alcohol abuse has handed in her crown after being convicted of drunken driving.

And the troubles of the pretty 21-year-old may not end there, since she is under investigation for allegedly harassing members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving who monitored her trial.

During a court recess she was overheard shouting QUOTE: “If yawl think you’re MADD NOW, just wait ‘til I get done with ya.” The young woman then went “totally trailer” on the activists, pulling their hair and attempting to slam a washboard over their head while screaming phrases uttered by famous professional wrestlers.

~ Rio de Janeiro woke up hungry for more controversy on the final day of the world famous Carnival parades after the first samba schools whet the city's appetite with an abundance of topless muses.

But one sculptural dancer who dared to paint the Brazilian flag on her nude body was the focal point of both the crowd and the police, who were going to apprehend the woman before she threw on a shirt.

Said one officer, QUOTE: “It’s one thing for women to bare their perky, supple breasts to thousands of strangers, but painting our flag on your body—that just perverted!”

In related news, the obviously PATRIOTIC woman did a nice job of emulating the WAVING of the flag as she bounced up and down the street. More than one man stopped to salute and pledge allegiance.

~ A battle over Howdy Doody, a television puppet from the 1950s, intensifies this week as a Detroit museum and the family of his puppeteer ask a federal judge to throw out the other side's case.

A Detroit museum is scuffling with the family of the late puppeteer Rufus Rose over ownership of one of at least three marionettes used in the broadcasts.

The grinning, freckle-faced puppet brought smiles to millions of children during its run on TV. One controversy surrounds the manner in which Howdy Doody should be put to rest. The family wants the puppet to be buried near his creator. Said Rufus’ grandson, QUOTE: “A man should be able to lie under his own Doody.”

The museum wants a more tradition marionette cremation by termites.

In related news, there is a 100% chance there will be NO SUCH passionate battle for the rights to the last remaining puppet of ALF.

~ Sony said it had sold 980,000 of its PlayStation2 video game consoles within the first two days.

This continues the Japanese covert Operation Brain Drain. For over 20 years, Japan, through the efforts of Nintendo, Sony, Sega, et al has been draining the brains of American teenagers with their video game systems. While Japanese children and studying and doing homework, AMERICAN kids are jumping for mushrooms, saving a girl from an Ape named Donkey, and basically robotically pushing buttons until their eyes bleed from watching the glowing box. It’s a Japanese conspiracy! Wake up people!

Said the CEO of Nintendo, QUOTE: “First we bombed Pearl Harbor, that was crude. Now we’re bombarded them with advertisements for video games! It’s brilliant! The kids demand the games and their weak-willed parents buy them! Ha Ha HA HA!”

His maniacal laughter continued on into the night.

~ A federal court jury convicted three white New York City police officers of conspiring to cover-up the 1997 sexual torture of a Haitian immigrant in a Brooklyn police precinct bathroom, an incident that sparked outrage over police brutality.

In a trial last year, officer Justin Volpe pleaded guilty to the assault of holding the man and ramming a wooden night stick into his rectum.

The rectal ramming victim suffered severe internal injuries that required several surgeries and he was hospitalized for more than two months.

Undoubtedly the courts will compensate him generously for his pain and suffering, thus making him a poor immigrant turned millionaire. Yes, this is another classic case of the American Dream. A man leaves everything he has always known for a chance at a better life in America. For an opportunity to pursue life, liberty, and happiness. The land where hard work can make anybody a millionaire.

This destitute Haitian turned rich man will be walking those streets of freedom with a heavy wallet and a pronounced limp from the severe anal rape and sodomy of having a 24 inch stick slammed into lungs by way of his now stretched out and prone to spontaneously bleed anus. 

 The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.