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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

03/13/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

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w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Money. It’s green, it’s folds, and it fits snuggly in the sweaty g-string of some college co-ed paying her way by dancing on a beer-stained stage.

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~ With time, about half of women with anorexia nervosa fully recover from the eating disorder, according to results of a study of patients examined 21 years after being diagnosed with the condition.

The marauding moron of medicine HogWild says they would have recovered sooner but they wouldn’t swallow their pill because they thought it made them look fat.

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~ A British family-planning charity gave men the chance to book a vasectomy on the Internet with the launch of a ``cyber snip'' Web site service. Visitors to the site can select their preferred location for the operation and put down a deposit toward the cost.

Besides free novelty email with the domain of @no-more-drippy-jammy.com, the site also features a 24 hour “sliced-penis” cam, as well an assortment of grotesquely animated electronic greeting cards to announce ‘V-Day’ to your friends and former lovers.

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~ Since the early 1970's, there has been a 57% drop in cavities in the permanent teeth of 6- to 18-year-olds. While a teenager in the early 1970s had an average of 6 to 7 cavities in their permanent teeth, their counterpart in the 1990s had an average of 3 cavities.

Sadly, this trend has not extended to rotten old England, where the average person only has 6 to7 teeth WITHOUT cavities.

In related news, HogWild’s mouth looks like a burnt out Apartment building in the Bronx.

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~ Leading Internet service provider America Online said it struck a half dozen agreements with major players in the wireless communications arena, furthering its effort to liberate its Web services from the tether of telephone lines.

Said AOL, QUOTE: “We’re looking to bring our semi-reliable and insecure on-line service to every facet of people’s lives. We want people to be able to receive spam porn emails from the comfort of their car. We want to give hackers the convenience of stealing screen name passwords while they’re on the can. AOL EVERYWHERE!”

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~ President Clinton and U.S. governors wrestled with whether states should tax online sales.

The non-partisan pompous pellet-head with the peculiarly petite penis, HogWild, suggests that there be NO tax on the Internet, except for one. Everytime some loser sends a forwarded email that promises good fortune if they send it to five friends, they should pay the Loser Tax. $10.00 per forwarded email. This seems a small price to pay, given that these idiotic emails promise vast wealth just for keeping them alive.

In related news, HogWild was vehemently opposed to any “sin” tax that would place a pay toll on “adult entertainment sites.” Vehemently opposed. Hard-fast in his determination to maintain a Free Net Porn Nation. 

CLICK to find out how to get your Money Making Viewbar!

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~ In one of the most significant acts of his papacy, Pope John Paul asked forgiveness for the many past sins of his Church, including its treatment of Jews, heretics, women and native peoples.

Speaking as leader of the Jews, Jeremy the Bloated One, ACCEPTED the apology in return for a lifetime supply of donut-flavored edible yamakas.

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~ Microsoft took the wraps off its eagerly awaited video gaming console -- the X-Box -- the centerpiece of its plans to enter the highly competitive video game hardware market and turn the $20 billion industry on its head.

The horny, homely humorist HogWild said he already has the Microsoft X-Box: his filled-to-capacity with Big Jug JPG’s computer!

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~ Police say two women posing as census takers took an elderly woman for thousands of dollars. The incident happened when the 90-year-old woman let the two women into her apartment. Police said while one woman questioned the resident for about an hour, the other rifled through the apartment, taking a strong box containing between five- to ten-thousand dollars from a bureau drawer.

The OFFICIAL United States Census Bureau would like to remind you that an authentic Census-taking does NOT go as follows:

How many persons occupy this residency?

Where are their valuables located?

Approximately, what is the net worth of these valuables?

Do you own a gun, and if so, do you know how to operate it?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how naive are you?

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~ Notorious child murderer Ian Brady will not be allowed to starve himself to death in prison, a British court ruled. The high court said Brady, who was jailed for life for sadistic child killings, should be force-fed by the staff.

Amnesty International did not protest the ruling as merciless, but DID protest his forced viewing of the Grammy Awards as cruel and unusual punishment.

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~ Scientists have discovered a key component of the sperm development process, and the finding may one day lead to treatments that reverse some types of male infertility, according to a new study in mice.

In related news, Dr. Salami insists that this job was not so bad. Said Salami, “Handling rodent grapes all day isn’t the worst thing I could be doing. Last summer I was working for a lab trying to find a cure for Elephant rectal cancer.”

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~ Florida police have arrested a man who allegedly ran a mobile dentistry practice from the back of his dilapidated 1980 Ford Mustang.

As a public service, HogWild News would now like to present some obvious signals that your dentist is not legally allowed to practice oral medicine.

-The waiting room magazine rack is in the glove compartment

-The waiting room is the passenger’s seat

-When you request Novocain, he pops the hood and removes the oil dipstick

-He tells you to rinse your mouth with windshield wiper fluid

-He’s using the rearview mirror to look in your mouth

-His framed diploma is actually his vehicle’s license plate

-You stretch your arm and accidentally honk the horn

-He attempts to brush your teeth with the ice scraper

-He’s sterilizing his equipment in a bottle marked CASTROL

-You’re in a FREAKIN’ RUSTY OLD CAR, LOSER!

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~ An 85-year-old motorist brought his business to an auto body shop in an unusual way when his car crashed into the building.  He lost control of his 1984 Buick Royale at a busy intersection and, to the consternation of employees working there, his car plowed into the Auto Body Repair Shop.

The situation only became worse when the elderly man reached into his wallet to pay for the damage and pulled out a crisp Confederate Dollar bill.

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~ Pretenders lead singer Chrissie Hynde was arrested for protesting in the window of a Gap clothing store against what she said was the store's use of leather from ``illegally and cruelly'' slaughtered cows in India.

In related news, Chrissie has a lot of free time ever since she stopped making hit records like 6,000 years ago.

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 The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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 Click to go read more HogWild News! Cartoons!

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