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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

03/20/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

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w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by the Foundation to Use Freckles as Currency. People with these odd splats and splots of pigment should not be ridiculed, but revered. To promote this acceptance we move that Freckles replace the $100 bill.

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~ A federal lawsuit was filed on behalf of people who may wish to protest on Gateway property concerning the Cleveland Indians’ allegedly racist Chief Wahoo logo.

Officials of the Cleveland Indians’ baseball club responded to the allegations in an official press release, QUOTE: “Although we do not feel that our traditional Chief Wahoo logo is derogatory to Native Americans, we will make an effort to assuage the potential offense to those wild Redskins by replacing Wahoo with a new hat featuring a slot machine and a 40 ounce bottle of cheap beer.

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~ While most of the minority groups surveyed in a new Poll are well acquainted with the Internet, but a majority of Hispanics do not have Internet access. In the recently released survey of six ethnic groups, only 46.4% of Hispanics said they had Internet access.

Of the 46% of Hispanics with Internet access, 100% had already bookmarked over 40 sites pertaining to Jennifer Lopez.

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~  Ray Lewis, the NFL linebacker,  made his plea clear and concise. Lewis pleaded innocent to murder and assault charges stemming from two stabbing deaths after a Super Bowl party.

In related news, another NFL murderer known for his slashing moves, O.J. Simpson responded to the news QUOTE: “FINALLY, they’ve found the REAL killer!”

In further related news, O.J.’s lawyer Johnny Cochrane responded to O.J.’s remark by slapping him upside the back of his head.

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~ Coca-Cola, grappling with a bitter racial discrimination lawsuit, won grudging praise for moving to tie executive compensation to a new set of diversity goals.

Said the beverage giant’s CEO QUOTE: “To say we are racist is outrageous. We love all colors. We have black cherry, orange, and 7-up. In no way do we show preferential treatment to one group over another. It is simply coincidence that all of our executives are white while all the people we employ to lick the back of the adhesive labels on our bottles are black.

But in the most disturbing news of all, it was revealed that not only were black employees treated poorly, but in the 80’s they were FORCED to consume vast quantities of that nizASTY New Coke.

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~ Two days after an apparent mass suicide in a remote part of southwest Uganda, a police spokesman said that up to 470 cult members may have died in the fire.

 In related news, no substantiated cause for the mass suicide has been found, but there was a report that Uganda had recently been connected to the Internet. The Web logs showed that 99% of the deceased had last visited a site featuring semi-bootleg non-hilarious comedy starring a goateed moron calling himself HogWild. The other 1% had last visited bigolebigguns.com and killed themselves after realizing what beautiful surgically enhanced women the world had to offer while they were remaining faithful to their overweight, smelly, gap-tooth wench of a wife.

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 ~ Bread rolls covered in poppy seeds gave the Flamengo soccer team a drug scare when they were served for breakfast during a trip to an away match this week. Poppy seeds are known to cause a false positive on drug tests.

Said the team manager QUOTE: “We didn’t want the poppy seeds to unfairly disqualify any of our players. I mean that along with the fat doobie we passed around the bus would surely show up on the test.

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~ German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder prefers to drive his wife's Volkswagen when he visits his weekend home rather than pay taxes for rides in bullet-proof limousines.

In related news, nothing says Presidential like a leader who drives around in a vehicle shaped like an Easter egg with wheels.

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~ An unruly passenger was apprehended by authorities after forcing his way into the cockpit of an Alaska Airlines jet, attacking the co-pilot and lunging for the aircraft's controls.

The passenger had been ''acting in a strange manner'' during the flight, including ''talking nonsense to the other passengers and taking off articles of his clothing.''

For your future safety and semi-amusement, HogWild.Net News presents Surefire Clues that the guy Next to You is About to Go Psycho.

-He requests 14 extra bags of complimentary peanuts while mumbling to himself: “Peanuts give me fuel. Peanuts give me fuel.”

-He steps into the restroom, leaves the door open, and pees into the outside aisle.

-He’s screaming in Arabic while clutching a photo of his family. Plus you notice he’s ticking.

-He pulls you by the hair and starts smashing your face into the window.

-He requests the emergency exit seat in the ‘unlikely’ case of an emergency hostage situation.

-He sends an in-flight email to Allah telling him he’ll be home soon

-He begins disrobing and makes lewd references to his well-endowed ‘landing gear.’

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~ Police in ex-Soviet Georgia are hunting for thieves who stole a six-foot-tall Ronald McDonald statue from the country's only McDonald's restaurant.

In related news, The Hamburglar is a prime suspect.

But HogWild News investigated the situation further and found that Ronald McDonald was in fact, NOT stolen, but rather, he ran away.

In an exclusive interview, the tall doofy clown said QUOTE: “F this tish man. It’s butt cold out here. Ain’t nobody here to hang with. In America at least I got the Colonel and the Wendy’s girl and the Taco Bell dog. Out here I got nobody. So I figured I’d get a new gig as Boris Yeltsin’s body double.”

And the exclusive insights don’t stop there! Ronald McD continued QUOTE: “Oh, and I figured out what that Red Spot on Gorbachev’s head is. One day he was working the fryer and he forgot his hair net. He got burnt real bad.”

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~ Police in southern Albania made a record haul of five million contraband condoms from Greece with a street value of $700,000.

Apparently contraception is illegal in Albania. Rubbers are only available on the black market and are very expensive. Albanians seeking safe sex sometimes have to resort to methods such as a sandwich bag and a tin-tie, a tube sock, or the old plastic cup stuffed in the cervix trick.

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~ A man in the midst of road rage, got out of his car, confronted another motorist, grabbed the motorist’s dog and hurled it to its death in (where else?) California traffic. He now has an nearly $110,000 price on his head -- thanks to contributions from infuriated animal lovers around the country.

In his defense, the man claimed to have come up with the clever line, “So what kind of dog is she?” When the motorist responded “Collie”, he barked “No, it’s Road Kill!”

The crazed man then removed his mask while laughing, “I finally got back at Scooby Doo and those meddling kids!”

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