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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

03/27/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

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w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Grandma’s Parachute Panties.

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~ A group of women stormed a Kenyan police station to demand officers either make love to them or close illegal drinking dens they said made their husbands impotent.

Said one cop, QUOTE: “It was like some cheesy porno. Unsatisfied wives storm the Police House lookin’ for lovin’. Then we get to handcuff ‘em and ask them questions about their sexual promiscuity using the lie detector machine.”

But another cop complained QUOTE: “No wonder these women can’t get their husbands to have sex. They look like rhinoceroses in need of a good weight loss program. We can’t force the men to quit drinking and hump their humpback whales of wives. But I sure would lend a guy my bullet proof vest and swat team helmet. And I’d make sure he had my night stick so he could beat the ugly out of her.

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~ Americans are more excited about the promise of devices to make household upkeep easier than they are about ways to beam about the universe, according to a recent poll, while the second chart shows HogWild’s desires for future inventions.

damn this chart is bootleg! looks like a baboon's ass!

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~ A former Infoseek executive faces up to 15 years in prison after admitting he intended to have sex with 13-year-old. He admitted that he traveled from Seattle to Los Angeles with a "dominant purpose" to engage in sexual acts with "KrisLA," an online chat buddy he believed was a 13-year-old girl. KrisLA was actually an undercover FBI agent.

We go to the man who says he would never get in the underwear of the under-aged because they’re too young to cook, HogWild:

This pedophile was such a loser (not like those cool, hip pedophiles with the fancy sunglasses and Gap sweaters) that he had to travel all the way from Seattle to LA to find someone to have sex with!  Talk about Sleepless in Seattle! How about Sexless in Seattle! Sicko in Seattle! And you can’t feel like a bigger loser than being a grown man, getting off a plane to meet your 13 year old girlfriend, and BOOM, you’re arrested by the FBI! He was probably like, “um uh, so you mean Krissy was YOU! You allowed me to ask you about your hairless privates without telling me I was really chatting to a bunch of 40 year old men?!”

That’s what they call rockbottom. Like a junkie who gets evicted and becomes residentially challenged. You sir, are now an official loser. So get that Gary Glitter soundtrack out of your head and stop hanging outside of Junior High Schools with candy and tickets to N’Sync.  You got BUSTED!

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~  Julia Roberts claimed the box office crown for the second time in a year with her new film ``Erin Brockovich.'' The movie is based on the true exploits of an untrained paralegal who stumbles upon a case of water contamination and wins a record $333 million settlement for the victims.

In related news, that is the same amount of units that Julia was paid to star in the flick.

In further related news, that was also the number of tissues required to stuff Julia’s bra to make it appear that she has any semblance of cleavage.

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~ The missing Oscar statuettes were discovered in the last place one would expect to find a Hollywood star -- in trash bins behind a cheap supermarket.

We here at HogWild News have the scoop, the exclusive, on who was truly the real thief. She confessed to us in an exclusively, private, first premiere debut interview. Deep Trash (as she is monikered) explained QUOTE: “I threw the Oscars in the garbage because that’s what they are—trash. Total garbage. A reflection of the moral decadence Hollywood propagates with its mass-marketed eye-candy. Oscar the Grouch lived in a trash can. So Oscar the Award should live there too. Yeah man. Fight the power.”

And in our tradition of revealing our sources after they are no longer relevant, the thief turned out to be none other than the mother of the recently deceased guy who did all those Ernest movies. She was bitter that he was never even nominated. She pleaded QUOTE: “Come on, tell me that Ernest Goes to Camp was not cinematic genius? I’ll give you that Ernest Goes to Jail was stupid, but Camp, that one was great.”

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~ A paralyzed Frenchman took his first steps for ten years after a revolutionary operation to restore nerve functions using a microchip implant.

Not surprisingly for a Frenchman, those steps were taken backwards in retreat.

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~ Film star Michael Douglas is urging British politicians to exert more pressure on Russia and the United States to reduce their nuclear arms.

The Brits chuckled at his proposal of less shooting, being that he just shot one into Catherine Zeta-Jones.

The Russians poked fun as well saying that they would stop dropping  a-bombs just as soon as HE stopped dropping the mushroom cloud into bims 25 years his junior.

The Americans also took the time to ridicule the actor/wanna-be diplomat. Said Vice-President Gore QUOTE: “We’ll stop testing our nukes underground, when Mr. Douglas STARTS exploding his missile warhead underground instead of into the laps of women who can be his grand daughter.

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~ IBM said it had made a breakthrough that may one day allow computer hard disks and other data-storage systems to store more than 100 times more data than today's products.

In related news, the horrifically horny, hand-humping humorist, HogWild was left bewildered by the news, QUOTE: “Goodness! 100 times more pictures with adult themes! And I’m still only re-alphabetizing the one starting with bigboobs. I’m not even up to the L’s! LeatherLardAsses, LeatherLisa, LeatherLoveMuffins, LeatherLustBunnies . . .”

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~ Boeing engineers' union said its members had ratified the U.S. aerospace giant's latest contract proposal, ending a disruptive 40-day strike and one of the largest white-collar walkouts ever.

Employees of the Seattle based corporation demanded bigger cubicles, a return to full-sized Post-it notes, and that the Mariners trade back for Ken Griffey, Jr.

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~ Martina Navratilova won 18 Grand Slam tournaments during a 21-year tennis career but had never endorsed a product. For the first time in her life, the greatest women's player ever stars in a national television commercial. That doesn't sound like much of a distinction until you total up the number of openly gay athletes who preceded her.

While this is Martina’s first commercial, it is not as if she hasn’t had her opportunities. The lesbian tennis star turned down spots for Big Dino’s “Tuesday is All-Dyke Leagues” Bowling Lanes, numerous ads for hair care products for women with short, spiky, hair, and as an endorser for Ellen Degeneres’ unofficial biography “I’m an Unfunny Fag.”

The commercial she finally accepted is for SUBARU cars. Reportedly she was enticed when Subaru gave her a free SUV and reminded her that the cigarette lighter could be used to recharge her “Mechanical Love Stick.”

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~ Billy Boy surfing his favorite site for bootleg comedy, HOGWILD.NET!President Clinton said he saw encouraging signs a U.S. diplomatic offensive to persuade major oil producers to boost output was paying off.

Greater oil output means lower prices at the gas pumps. So Clinton, who has had his Jammy in a sling since being caught with Mooonica, whipped it out and starting using his hyperactive Executive Branch to drill for oil. Realizing that the perverted President could put them all out of business, the Arab Oil Cartels immediately gave in.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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