HOGWILD NEWS and Jokes: British whores want rights!

07/10/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Hip-Hop’s Hottest new Rapper, Tone Def.

~ Venus Williams eclipsed defending champion Lindsay Davenport 6-3, 7-6 to win the Wimbledon women's singles crown, her first Grand Slam title.

Ironically, the African-American Williams says it was easier to get a Grand Slam at Wimbledon than at Denny’s.

~ Barbie, the famous blonde doll, says she’s not toying around in her bid to be the first doll in the White House.

Not to be outdone, the Democrats launched their opponent, Robo-Gore2000™: The Al Gore Action Figure. He’s metallic and stiff, except for his bendable knees (which come in awfully handy when the Chinese Ambassador visits the White House.) Press his buttons to hear him say, “I invented the Internet!” and “I had no prior knowledge of that scandal.” Barbie may have her red corvette, but Gore takes his Air Force 2 Jet wherever he goes. And just press the button for his campaign philosophy: “Come for a ride, it’s on the taxpayers!”

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~ Two Pro Basketball players were robbed of an undetermined amount of cash and jewelry that included a $55,000 wristwatch.

In related news, the mugger reportedly pawned the watch in order to buy the entire WNBA.

~ A Bulgarian man was in police custody in Canada after being arrested for trying to smuggle in more than 5,600 tablets of the drug ecstasy hidden in pantyhose he was wearing under his clothes.

Explained Canadian Police, QUOTE: “The only man in Canada who wears support-top pantyhose is William Shatner. And he hasn’t had ecstasy in his pants for years!”

~ The Boy Scouts of America triumphed in their legal battle over gay scout leaders, but the victory could prove costly. Critics say the Scouts have squandered a reputation for tolerance and face an erosion of public support.

The Scouts realized the sacrifice but a spokesman said that they had to separate themselves from gay scout leaders because of incessant jokes referring to “square-knots in the anus,” the “Merit Badge in Wood Stroking,” the “Anal Archery Trophy,” and the old “Is Company Master eating Troop Leader’s Girl Scout Cookies?”

~ A teenager who admitted printing counterfeit $20 bills off his home computer and giving them to his friends, was sentenced to a year's probation. He said he digitally scanned and printed currency, using his home computer.

The parents began to suspect their son might be creating bootleg currency when they noticed a correlation between his rapidly increasing wealth, and their rapidly dwindling supply of green construction paper.

Reacted the boy’s stunned mother QUOTE: “I always knew he was good at art, but who knew he was THIS good?! It makes me begin to wonder if that $50,000 U.S. Savings Bond he gave me for my birthday is legitimate.”

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~ A new fashion craze is threatening air safety in Norway -- teenagers are stealing seatbelts to keep up their baggy trousers.

In related news, a fashion craze is threatening air safety in New Jersey, where teenagers are stealing the oxygen masks in order to breathe.

~ A starving Brazilian maid, struggling to provide for a huge family of 23 children, allegedly swapped her newborn baby daughter for $110 and a chunk of beef.

We go to World Humanitarian, Humorist, and Horny Hand Humper of Homosexual Hungarian Horses, HogWild.

Daaaaaamn! Hog: Is human life so WORTHLESS that a mother can trade her own baby for some cash and a sandwich?! First off, don’t have 23 children if you can’t afford to raise them. Now maybe your religion prohibits birth control. Fine I understand that. Then how about something called SELF CONTROL! Okay, after the rhythm method didn’t work the first 17 times, did you really have to try it another SIX times?! Who knew a woman COULD get pregnant 23 times! It’s like when you shoot an arrow at the bullseye—eventually the target is torn to shreds and there IS no more bullseye. Good God woman, your uterus must look like a WW1 landmine bunker! So you and your 23 kids are starving and you’re STILL making love. Having unprotected sex. “So what will we name THIS one sweetie?” Hmm, I don’t think we should keep this one. I think if I carry it for 9 months we can go down to the Farmer’s Market and get us a good slab of beef. Oh and maybe a can of corn! “But we don’t have no can opener, maw!” That’s what our NEXT pregnancy will be for!”

See that’s why I believe in Abortion. As in ABORT that woman! If God wanted you to bring 24 starving children into the world he would have blessed you with 24 nipples that lactate cotton candy! Damn!

~ Academy Award-winning actor and one of America's best-loved comic film stars, Walter Matthau, died at age 79.

In related, yet totally unfair news, Bob Saget still lives.

~ Thai secondary school teachers will soon use the same toilets as their pupils in a bid to curb rampant drug use in schools. The thinking is that teachers would be better able to keep an eye on pupils if they had to share the same toilets.

Critics however say it will cause drug use to INCREASE as students try to cope with the trauma of hearing their Science teacher violently squirt caramel in the neighboring stall. Then there’s the awkward silence, the continued blast, and uncomfortable jokes like, “I don’t think that reaction was caused by a NOBLE gas!”

~ The first broadcast on the Internet of penile-pump-implant surgery drew relatively few Web surfers. Disappointed producers say the Webcast of the procedure attracted only a few thousand viewers.

Pop Culture Expert and Penis Cutting Sexpert, HogWild remarked, QUOTE: “What a surprise! Not many people wanted to see a man have a plastic tube shoved into the hole in his Jammy! That’s crazy! I’d have thought MILLIONS would tune in for that! I bet next month’s 1^st ever colostomy bag refill will draw in the BIG audience.”

~ George Clooney's maritime disaster picture ``The Perfect Storm'' blew away its competition at the North American weekend box office, whipping up an estimated three-day take of $41.7 million.

Insiders intimate that there are some new copycat movies about really bad weather waiting on the horizon. From Universally Bad Pictures: “The Quintessential Cold Front.” Also, “Perfect Ten T-Storms.” And next summer’s sure to be blockbuster, “Unpleasant Humidity.” Then perhaps the biggest of all, starring Al Roker, “Danger on the Doppler 4000!”

~ Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has checked into a London rehabilitation clinic to be treated for alcohol abuse.

From the ragged looks of him, it doesn’t seem as if Alcohol has a chance in court. He didn’t abuse Alcohol, Alcohol abused him!

~ Eight people were crushed to death at a rock concert in Denmark when a huge crowd pressed forward against the stage during a performance by the U.S. group Pearl Jam.

Fortunately the victims were not the most gifted or intelligent people lost from the planet. After all, they were trying to get closer to their slacker-god, Eddie Vedder.

~ A 7-year-old boy was clear about what should happen to his father for beating him repeatedly.

``Dear Judge,'' the boy wrote. ``I think my dad should stay in jale inteel he dies because he will hurt peaple.''

The Judge felt sympathy for the boy in his closing remarks QUOTE: “Not only is his father a monster, but he beat the entire alphabet out of the kid’s skull until it was mixed up beyond recognition!”

Bye bye Beverly ~ A popular educator was shot and killed on a California Freeway during rush-hour traffic and police are asking for the public's help in finding the shooter. Gary Beverly, 39, was driving home alone when he was shot several times with a large-caliber weapon.

In related news, it’s hard for guys named Beverly to gain the necessary respect of public school students.

~ A prominent photographer is suing the Manhattan Beach Police Department, claiming that he was wrongfully arrested and is a victim of a racially motivated traffic stop. Howard Bingham is best known for his pictures of the Black Panthers, Muhammad Ali, and Martin Luther King Jr.

The officers says the stop wasn’t racially motivated, but rather, they just wanted to get his autograph on a picture of them beating his ass.

~ Carolyn Conrad and Kathleen Peterson did something two women in America have never done - they essentially got married. They became the first couple in Vermont - as well as in the United States - to legally enter a civil union.

It was not made clear if one partner would take the other’s name. Though they did make it clear they requested two high-powered washing machines on the registry.

~ In New York City, a 25-year-old woman fell off a subway platform and was struck and killed by an oncoming train.

Authorities say that the family doesn’t have to bury her, since technically, she’s already underground.

~ Grief-stricken, devastated and worn down from more than a month of searching for Cory Erving, the family of basketball Hall of Famer Julius Erving made plans to bury their 19-year-old son and brother.

Dr. J noted that under the circumstances, he would not set up his son’s tombstone as a fiberglass backboard.

~ A rare first printing of the U.S. Declaration of Independence fetched $8.14 million in an online auction, breaking the record for any sale on the Internet.

This breaks the previous record held by Al Gore, who sold his soul on eBay for a $2 million dollar campaign contribution to a man in China.

I've got an Emmy! Please somebody care! I'd kick David Spade's ass for a bit part on a WB sitcom!

~ An attorney for Mike Myers said the comedian plans to countersue Universal Studios in an increasingly bitter legal battle over failed plans to make a film based on a popular Myers character.

In related news, former Mike Myers sidekick Dana Carvey is also suing the Film maker. His suit is for punitive damages based on mental duress caused bys producers ignoring his repeated phone calls and personal visits begging for work. Cried Carvey QUOTE: “I was the Church Lady, I was Garth, I was George Bush! Now I can’t even get these guys to wave as I ride pass on the bus! It’s just not fair! I don’t want to do 1-800-Collect commercials! I don’t want to be Arsenio Hall!”

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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