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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

I'm Theodore, your openly gay newscaster!

 07/17/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore 

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by the sexy women of Network Engineering. They gave up the kitchen table for the routing table. These are fine ladies that make you want to ping their ip address and telnet right into their panties!

~ Thousands of scantily clad ravers flocked to Berlin for the annual Love Parade -- the world's biggest and brashest dance music party that is expected to attract more than one million people.

This is in direct contrast to the HATE PARADE in Berlin some 60 years earlier. Though there is a rumor that a neo-Nazi DJ with a funny little moustache, bad haircut, and baggy raver jeans that conceal his missing testicle, will attempt to hijack the DJ booth so he can spin his latest cut, “Die Jew Die.” 

 
Hot to Squat~ U.S. teenage pop sensation Britney Spears has accepted a marriage proposal from her boyfriend, Nsync singer Justin Timberlake.

Scientists worry about the result of potential offspring. Said of Medical researcher, QUOTE: “A child of Britney and Justin, let’s call him-- Moron, would be like the sugary icing on a cake. Except with no cake. Other kids will love him, but soon be sickened to their stomachs. By the way, I’ve called shotgun on delivering the baby. I want to see Britney’s loins. I don’t care what kind of condition it’s in.”

The so-called scientist continued rambling on about Britney’s breasts using terminology that can only be described as non-professional. It was soon revealed that this scientist was none other than the always-wanking Wonderwoman-wanting weirdo-wacko, HogWild.

 

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~ A San Bernardino mother has been charged with hiring her own son to murder her husband.

San Bernardino police say that the woman they have in custody gave her 19-year-old son $700 to purchase a gun, and promised him $2,000 more if he killed his stepfather.

In related news, the child’s alleged response to his mother’s request was simply, QUOTE: “Cool, a raise in my allowance.”

But things did not go all as planned. As teenagers do, the boy put off his chore. Everyday his mother would nag, “Did you throw at the trash? Did you clean your room? Did you WACK Dad yet?” The boy became so fed up, he turned his mother in. Of course he had already spent the 700 units. Except instead of buying a gun, he bought a new pair of designer jeans and got his buddies totally wasted. The remaining 300 units were spent on a transsexual Greek whore who performed acrobatic tricks with a goat that can be best described as a “health risk.”

 
~ Responding to a new book that claims members of his family had ties to the mafia, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said that his career as a federal prosecutor who cracked down on mobsters speaks for itself.

Guiliani continued QUOTE: “The only organized crime I’m involved with is the god damn New York City’s teacher’s union. Man, I make one wrong move and they’ll strap textbooks to my feet and have me sleeping with the fishes.”

 
Yeeehaw! I got me some pawno!~ Saying he was proud to have brought the White House into the digital age, President Clinton said the government had an obligation to use the new technology to expand democracy.

The President, however, did not mention just HOW he has brought the White House into the Digital Age. HogWild News, as usu-al, has the scoop. Six voyeur webcams have been installed in the ladies room adjacent to oval office. The next President will automatically receive naughty jokes and sex stories via email thanks to Clinton’s subscriptions. He has bookmarked thousands of adult sites, despite the First Lady’s installation of Frigid-Wife v 2.0 on his computer. These sites include, Porkypigs.com, fat-bitches-with-chipmunk-faces.com, and everybody’s favorites porno site, inter-racial-anal-asian-midgets.com

Also, the President has printed out some amusing pictures of Yassar Arafat’s head on Pamela Anderson’s naked body. And one very vulgar picture of just Yassar Arafat’s BEARD on Pamela Anderson’s naked body.

 

~ The United States' attempt to intercept and destroy a target warhead in space failed, leaving the Pentagon to wonder what went wrong with their planned National Missile Defense System.  

To correct the problem, the Military brought in a consultant, a 13 year old armed with his Sony Playstation. Apparently all it takes is a little hand-eye coordination. Plus the boy found a secret way to get unlimited ammo: left-right, left-right, up-up, b-a, b-a, start.

 

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Howdy Pardna! See ya in Hell!~ President Clinton will postpone the first federal execution in nearly four decades so the condemned man can apply for clemency under pending new guidelines.

Governor of Texas and Presidential Candidate George W. Bush took the opportunity to criticize the Democrats. QUOTE: “These pansy-ass liberals ain’t got the gonad it takes to fry another human being. Elect me President and I’ll bring the Lone Star State Motto to the White House, ‘We Grill ‘em to Order.’ This year my state will break the record for most executions. We also have jumped up 3 places to 47th in reading scores. You know why that is? Because every death row convict must read a newspaper while on the electric chair. Not only is it educational, it kindles the flames!”

 
~ A strong earthquake shook two islands south of Tokyo, just hours after a volcano in the island chain erupted, spewing ash and rocks high into the air.

Unsubstantiated reports that blamed the natural phenomena on Godzilla are completed unfounded. The giant lizard has been in hiding, ashamed to show his face ever since that last movie with Mathew Broderick.

 

~ In Los Angeles, Bryan Donis is in critical condition after being hit by a falling concrete block that smashed through his family’s truck window. It had been thrown onto the freeway intentionally.

We go to the squawking squirrel who squashes squishy bugs at ska concerts, HogWild for his report.  

Daaaamn! What the hell is a Jerk-Snerf?Hog: Dear Jerk-Snerf, you are an IDIOT! You lowlife piece of trash. Maybe in How-to-be-a-Gashole School they taught that hurling heavy objects from an overpass onto a major roadway was okay. But it’s not. Kids who spit on the highway. That’s wrong. Kids who throw gum down into convertibles. That’s kinda funny. Idiots who drop extremely heavy concrete blocks onto unsuspecting innocent families—NOT cool. Maybe this nub is just a DANY-moron who was doing a science experiment for school. “Hello class. My experiment is about gravity. What will happen if I drop a ½ ton concrete block on someone’s head? My hypothesis is that the block will bounce back up and the person’s skull will be unaffected. As you can see from the police photos of the crime scene, my hypothesis was incorrect.” Ya damn right you were incorrect. You shoulda done that experiment with the plants and the sunlight ya stupid Jerk-Snerf!

 

~  Africa's first international AIDS conference opened amid controversy over the cause of the disease and demands that rich countries and companies help the continent most ravaged by the virus.

One angered Greek interrupted the conference shouting, QUOTE: “They wouldn’t be so bad off if they stopped porking monkeys!” An African shot back, “You should talk you uni-browed sheep-doinker!” Insults flew with Arabs being accused of consummating their marriages to camels. The French scoring with skunks. Americans with chickens. The unproductive session concluded with every nationality being accused of lusting different animals. Except for the Irish. They were charged with attempting oral sex with boiled potatoes because they couldn’t perform intercourse due to their eternal drunkenness.

 

Pete Sampras aka Bert plays mixed doubles with Ernie, if ya catch my drift.~ Pete Sampras made tennis history at Wimbledon by beating Australian Pat Rafter 6-7 7-6 6-4 6-2 to win the men's final for the seventh time and claim a record-breaking 13th Grand Slam title.

In related news, who thought Bert from Sesame Street would grow up to be such a great tennis player with such a hot bim? Everyone always thought he was a queerbo for bathing while singing songs with another boy in the tub.

 
~ An irate Egyptian threw his wife from a third-floor window, fracturing her spine, after she refused to give him a bigger helping of chicken than his sons.  The man argued he should get a larger portion than his two sons because he provided the chicken in the first place.

The man was right. He deserved the bigger helping. Bitch learned her lesson. Next time she cooks dinner she’ll roll her crippled ass to the table and give him the larger portion.

 
~ He may not be Vincent van Gogh, but Cuban shipwreck survivor and budding artist Elian Gonzalez had his own flower painting on public display.

The painting was of a beautiful flower bed being trampled by an evil overweight pig wearing a sign labeled, “Imperialist Americans.” Cuban leader Fidel Castro says he had no influence on the work. Explained Castro QUOTE: “Elian learned first hand the wicked ways of the Americans. His art is simply a reflection of that.”

In related news, Elian just graduated from Commie Kindergarten where he earned all A’s. He even won an award for being able to name the last 15 American Presidents, then spitting on each one of their pictures.

 
~ In Cincinnati,  twenty-one local jail inmates were sent into service as extras for a performance of Verdi's ``Aida,'' on orders from a county judge -- an opera fan -- who volunteered them.

Sadly, when each of the 21 inmates returned to prison, they subjected to repeated unwanted anal intrusions where the sexual attacker demanded they QUOTE: “Hit the high note, bitch!” and “It ain’t over till the fat lady sings and tonight, the fat lady is YOU.”

 
~ A British local authority sent a letter to a man who died 3 months previously to tell him that his tax benefit was being stopped -- because he was dead.  He was also informed he could appeal the decision.

God, having a wonderful sense of humor (after all He did put scrotums on our elbows and gave men nipples) decided to write the man’s appeal. God’s letter stated that the man still deserved benefits because he did NOT die. He merely transcended his human bodily form and had relocated to a new address.

Authorities were skeptical being that God’s return address was a burned out apartment building in the Bronx. Those close to the Big G Money though, know that He on occasion enjoys “slumming it” with his homies. He also spins techno Thursday nights at a small club in downtown Manhattan. God is a DJ.

 
~ Twenty-two people were hurt, six needing hospital treatment, in the final running of the bulls in the world famous San Fermin festival in the northern Spanish city of Pamplona.

They were taken for treatment at a Spanish hospital where their condition was announced as “wussy.” Diagnosed the doctor, QUOTE: “We’ve got three in critical pansy-ass condition, while the other GIRLS have stabilized. To be run over by the bull is to not be a man! Nurse! Hand me my hammer, I need see if these so-called males were equipped with testicles!

 

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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