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The Real reason behind the X-Men Movie's Success Revealed! Celine Dion  banned on flights!, Yoko Ono still has John Lennon whipped, Bill Clinton doesn't inhale alternative medicine, Cher cruelly adopt another baby, The Spice Girls reveal their stupidity by speaking! All the News and jokes you expect from HogWild News!

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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

I'm Theodore, your openly gay newscaster!

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 07/24/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by pickled tortoise nuts. Yes, it’s as nizasty as it sounds.  

Texas Firing Squad~ Texas is sometimes criticized for having Old West-style justice, but a state agency says a Houston judge had gone too far when he cleaned his pistols during a capital murder trial.

In related news, this wasn’t NEARLY as bad as when a judge cleaned his Jammy during a sexual molestation case.

GIMME MY PRETZELS!~ An America West Airlines flight was forced to land prematurely after one of the carrier's own pilots riding as a passenger allegedly became unruly.

The off-duty pilot, traveling in coach, was livid when he was refused an additional bag of pretzels.

The flight crew defended their actions, QUOTE: “We are under strict orders to treat anyone not in 1st class with the proper amount of contempt and disrespect. But still it was no reason for him misuse that oxygen mask by shoving it down his pants. If that’s not an FAA violation, I don’t know what is!”

 

~ Yoko Ono filed a lawsuit in a Japanese court demanding a Tokyo subway operator stop the sale of a ticket showing a portrait of her late husband and Beatle, John Lennon. She is seeking 13 million yen in damages.

Dr. Salami says Yoko killed Lennon with an arsenic taco.Yoko says she will not stop until she has sucked every last penny out of John Lennon’s cold, dead body. In fact, there are reports she is on eBay attempting to sell Lennon’s fingernails and hair samples under the alias YellowIceBitch.

 

~ In an effort to give more women around the world access to contraceptives to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, U.S. based Planned Parenthood is expanding its women's reproductive rights campaign to El Salvador and Vietnam.

Vietnam has had a growing problem of unwanted babies ever since U.S. troops stopped killing them. 

 

Clinton needs some Visine after not inhaling that Jamaican Ganja~ Realizing the widespread use and increasing popularity of alternative medicines, President Clinton issued an executive order to establish a White House Commission on Complementary and Alternative Medicine Policy.

Clinton kicked off the new Commission by smoking a fat bag of weed. When asked for what medicinal purpose, he answered Nausea. He continued QUOTE: “You would be nauseous too if you had to wake up every morning and see Hillary’s icy square ass.”

 

~ The after-work drink may be more than a sociable end to the day for some people. For bus drivers, on-the-job stress may be driving them to drink, researchers suggest.

Previously unaware that bus drivers work under such high-pressure, HogWild News sets to compare the daily stress of a Bus Driver to that of another mildly stressful occupation, the emergency room Doctor.

The E.R. Doctor wears a uniform that commands instant power and respect. People depend on him.

The Bus Driver wears a uniform that places him below a mailman and slightly above Mall Security.

The E.R. Doctor works exhausting long hours with very little sleep.

The Bus Driver works long hours sitting on his ass.

The E.R. Doctor must make quick decisions that can result in life or death.

The Bus Driver must keep on schedule or else people will be terribly inconvenienced.

The E.R. Doctor must deal with frenzied people who are shouting in foreign languages.

The Bus Driver must deal with people who are “standing past the white line while the bus is in motion.”

The E.R. Doctor is constantly threatened by potentially bankrupting malpractice suits just because of the sensitive nature of his work.

The Bus driver must deal with a bus packed with loud and obnoxious teenagers coming home from high school.

Wait a second, that last one clinched it. The bus driver has a more stressful job! Drink all ya want!

 

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~ Going from comic book superheroes to box office superstars, ``X-Men'' stormed the North American box office with a $57.5 million launch, the fourth highest three-day opening ever.

While the success is attributed mostly to feverish fans of the comic, a good amount is due to confusion on the part of rabid followers of adult cinema stars John Holmes, Ron Jeremy, and Sam “Super-Soaker” Sack.

 

~ At the age of 54, Cher is thinking of adopting a baby daughter. ``When you get to 40 or 50 you have lived life. You know what the hell is finally going on and can hand that knowledge down,'' said Cher.

Unfortunately, Cher’s knowledge does not include knowing how to dress her age. If Cher adopts a baby, the singer will be 70 when it’s a teenager and both mother and daughter will likely wind up a trashy daytime television talk show titled, “I’m Embarrassed because my Mom Dresses like a Slut.”

Some say Cher is attempting to rectify the mistakes she made with her blood daughter, Chastity. Many blame Cher for Chastity’s lesbian lifestyle. Comments one psychologist QUOTE: “Have you seen Cher’s ass lately? When you expose your daughter to the UGLIEST side of heterosexuality, there is little chance she we will want to live a conventional lifestyle.”

 

The Spice Sluts

~ After branching out with their own solo careers, the Spice Girls are back together again with a new album due out in November.

Putting their differences aside, the Girls agreed a new album is not totally about the money. Calculated Ginger Spice, QUOTE: “It’s only 90% about the money. The other 10% goes to our agents. We are artists really. Girl Power! Rah rah rah and all that crap. Just buy the stinkin’ CD, okay?”

 

~ The head of Polaroid Corp. expects double-digit gains in sales and profits from the instant film and camera maker's digital products in 2001.

Explained the chief executive QUOTE: “We’ve been serving the naughty home bedroom photographer types for years with our Instant Snapshot Polaroids. It only make sense for us to serve those same kink-meisters in the 21st century, but now with advanced technology for capturing kinky couples cuddling and copulating.

 

~ Toronto Raptors star Vince Carter must pay a sports apparel manufacturer more than $13.5 million bacon bits in damages for breach of contract.

The basketball star said he had to do the “socially responsible thing” by pulling his endorsement of an over priced product aimed at children who can barely afford to buy them.

In related news, NOT!

 

~ Marla Runyan completed her heroic odyssey from Paralympic champion to Olympic qualifier, overcoming blindness and a serious leg injury to make the U.S. team for the Sydney Games.

The blind track athlete expressed her happiness from the Olympic Short Bus, QUOTE: “This is incredible. I won’t let my teammates down. Like that one time I dropped the baton and couldn’t find it. Or that other time that I took a wrong turn and started running in the wrong direction. Or that time I nearly decapitated myself by barrelling into the hurdle. Or when I unwittingly threw the javelin into the stands and nearly made eyeball shishkebob.”

 

~ Seven months after being accused of pointing a gun at his wife's head, Bobby Chouinard is trying to show the Colorado Rockies he has put his problems behind him.

Says the baseball player QUOTE: “I know a lot of you think I’m crazier than a mule in heat. But I’m all better now. I even quit drinkin’ between innings. And I never put a gun to my wife. Nor did I ever swing a baseball bat at her, with the label pointing up, so the wood wouldn’t crack. Nor did I ever try to smother her with my sweaty jock strap. These fabricated stories have more holes in ‘em then the Florida Marlins’ infield.”

 

 ~ Britain's Diageo Plc. is set to announce the merger of its Pillsbury U.S. food unit with General Mills.

After the merger, Pillsbury unveiled the English version of their mascot, the Doughboy. Baring a slight resemblance to Winston Churchill, the Doughboy will be basically the same except with poorer dental hygiene.

 

~ Air Canada , seeking to prevent a damaging strike by its 2,200 pilots, said it had proposed binding arbitration to resolve its impasse with the Air Canada Pilots Association.

The strikers’ demands include:

They've had enough of her Pigeon cooing!No more Celine Dion music in the cabin

No more letting shaky-hands Canadian actor/hero Michael J. Fox pilot commercial aircraft.

And their biggest demand was to GET PAID IN REAL UNITS! No paychecks in the form of worthless Canadian/Monopoly money will be accepted.

 

~ Wall Street analysts, who long toiled in anonymity as bean-counters, now are icons of the decade-long bull market and are receiving million-dollar bonuses, heaps of TV time -- and death threats.  A Salomon Smith Barney analyst received a death threat after he lowered his rating on semiconductor companies.

The frightened business analyst quickly modified his previous statement QUOTE: “You misunderstood! When I said semiconductor, that’s Wall Street slang for semi’s. Like the trucks. See? Please don’t kill me Mr. Stalker man! I’ve got a family and a secret mistress to take care of!”

When charged with cowering under the spotlight, the saavy analyst answered, QUOTE: “I’m not backing down! I’m just--- backing AWAY.”

 

~ Rickey Henderson has passed Babe Ruth on the career hits list.

In related news, he is still way behind the Bambino in career cosumption of alcoholic beverages.

 

~ President Clinton said there had been ``some progress'' at Middle East peace talks but that success was not certain.

Clinton says the talks are going relatively smoothly with the only major cultural disrespect coming from the mouth of his wife.

 

~ A time bomb exploded in a crowded Pakistani passenger train, killing 10 people and injuring 32.

Ironically, the so-called TIME bomb made everybody late.

~Stephen King began selling the first installment of his gruesome tale ``The Plant'' directly to readers by posting it on his Web site.

This success has inspired another King horror story. It’s a novel about a world where authors maintain full control of their work. A world where authors do not have to share revenues with distributors. A world where the content creator sells his literature directly to the public. The blood curdling screams of book publishers prove just how scary this work is to the big book makers.

 

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 




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