07/31/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore 

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Point 12 Times New Roman Font. It’s distinguished. It’s standard. You’re too lame to try any other new typeface.

~ A new report estimates a cost over $10 million units, twice the original estimates, for police presence at August's Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles.

And this figure does not even include the celebratory post-election rioting in L.A. if the Democrats win.

~ Two new surveys are out that find playgrounds in Massachusetts and elsewhere in the country are in bad shape. The Massachusetts Public Interest Research Group found that 90 percent of playgrounds in the state lack adequate cushioned surfacing to protect children when they fall.

Upon hearing this news, New York State laughed. In New York City, 90 % of the sand in playgrounds is actually shards of glass from discarded crack vials. 90% of the “Uncles” at the park are actually sick pedophiles/pigeon molesters. And most disturbing, 90% of the children using these playgrounds have played a game called “blow up the sticky cheese-filled balloon.”

~ U.S. teenage pop sensation Britney Spears says she cannot understand what men find sexy about the skimpy outfits she wears to keep cool. ``I only wear these crop tops because other clothes would make me sweat when I dance,'' says the singer.

We go to sweaty, swampy, sweltering, swollen-nose, sewage-swimmer, HogWild, for his report. 

Hog: No Britney. You’re not that innocent. You wear those skimpy outfits because no one would pay any attention to you otherwise. Try it. Just once, try performing in baggy jeans and a flannel shirt. Egypt would’ve never seen a greater exodus! Please, as if you can’t get air-conditioning on stage. Or in your videos! You may be stupid, but your management isn’t. I mean, sure you have those incredibly profound lyrics about “love” and “relationships” that are really breaking new ground in the pop scene. But unfortunately your fan base of males aged 11 to 65 is more interested in watching your music videos alone with a warm box of tissues with the TV on mute, then deciphering your deep philosophical transgressions on “crushes.” And, oh yeah, the breast implants. Was that too, strictly a decision based on climate control on stage as well? I’ve actually heard that. Yeah, natural breasts can get way hot and uncomfortable compared to bags of silicone jelly which have a boiling point of nearly 3000 degrees Kelvin. I’m so sorry. I was wrong, Ms. Britney Spheres. My bad.

~ Two armed men surrendered and freed the three remaining hostages they had held when they were trapped robbing a jewelry store in an affluent Los Angeles suburb.

The men claim to have held the employees hostage to force them to, once and for all, clearly explain the 4 C’s of making a diamond purchase.  

~ Any concerns that Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer have lost their box office clout appear to have been erased by the No. 1 debut of their new film, ``What Lies Beneath.''

With Harrison Ford however, though he was at one point a very sexy man, you don’t really want to see what age has done to “What Lies Beneath.”  

~Israel's Supreme Court set a precedent when it ordered a taxi driver to pay a fine for ''discourteous behavior'' toward two passengers. The two women passengers took legal action against the driver after he refused to drive them and explained : ``By law, a taxi driver can kick people who stink, out of his taxi.''

The female riders denied their alleged foul odor. They also denied that they used their crotches as can openers to pry up the lids of tuna fish tins.

Back In the United States, people are trying to persuade the courts to allow just the opposite: a law that passengers can kick out a driver who stinks. New York City Mayor Guiliani is against the proposed law citing that the city needs to keep the effluvia contained. QUOTE: “If we allow these breathing factories of funk to walk the streets, we’d have a mass outbreak of wretched vomiting and lung cancer.”

Residents are now insisting on thicker bullet-proof partitions between the passengers’ seat and the driver. Not so much to ensure driver’s safety, but to better block-in the unpleasant air pollution surrounding the cabbie.

~ At first glance, Dr. Michael Swango was everything a patient could want in a physician: confident and competent, with a good bedside manner. Prosecutors took a longer look and saw something else: someone they believe fatally poisoned three patients at a Long Island veterans hospital and left a trail of dead bodies stretching from Ohio to Zimbabwe.

Investigators say they were tipped off to the doctor’s evil practice when worried family members noted that instead of delivering the bad news in a soft, sympathetic way, he would laugh maniacally while violently shaking his head and rubbing his hands together.

While it is true that some physicians employ this tactic as an icebreaker, the authorities gained further evidence when they discovered his daily planner was filled with handwritten events like, “8:00am, unplug Mr. Jenkins’ oxygen. Make sure to watch for the desperation in his face. Memorize for future session of self-pleasuring.”

And while it is true that some physicians employ this tactic as a stress-reliever, authorities had no choice but to act when this was coupled with the sighting of various tattoos on his body in the form of swastikas and skulls.  

~Stephen King unleashed what could become a publisher's worst nightmare, selling the first installment of his gruesome tale ``The Plant'' directly to readers by posting it on his Web site.

Readers wonder if King will experiment with the freedom of the new medium to produce non-traditional stories such as a horror tale involving the disfigurement of a certain nerdy school kid with glasses who stars in a popular children’s book series.

King has already announced a scary e-mail list that you can join. Each week you get a new e-mail designed to scare the be-jeziz out of you. Some examples include subject headings like “To All Employees visiting inappropriate adult web sites, we know who you are!” And “If you can read this, we’ve already infected you with an irreversible computer virus.”  

~ It has been revealed that actress Joan Collins, who shot to fame in a series of raunchy films in the 1970s, turned down a starring role in a stage version of ``The Graduate'' because she did not want to take her clothes off.

Collins, now 67, volunteered to strip for a remake of the production. Sadly, there was about as much interest as people sitting through a Bosnian time-share presentation for the free t-shirt.

~ Father Christmas may have to brighten his image and upgrade his gift selection to survive in the third millennium, Santas said at their annual Congress. Some 120 Santa Clauses from around the world met in full regalia to discuss their future in a computerized, IT-focused 21^st century.

One of the aims of the conference is to develop hip new ideas for Santa while trying avoid the major missteps of the past such as 1990’s “Rappin’ Santa” with the baggy red jeans, boom box blaring a remix of Jingle Bells, and a reindeer-pulled sleigh complete with hydraulics and chromed out rims. Research showed that Santa’s new phrases “Representin’ for my Elves on lockdown” and “Keepin’ it real with my North Pole Posse” did not test well with target demographics. This was slightly worse than 1975’s Disco Santa, but nothing could be of lesser distinction than 1968’s Hippie Santa. As it turns out, Jolly Old Saint Nick just looked plain SLOVENLY when draped in tie-dye and bell-bottoms instead of his traditional garb. And replacing the Christmas Stockings with Christmas Bongs filled with chopped, funky green mistletoe was wildly inappropriate.

~  A top South African hospital will open an Internet auction offering a range of plastic surgery operations from breast reductions to fat removal.

This could mark a disturbing trend in plastic medicine. In an attempt to buy “Bargain Boobs,” is one sacrificing quality? “No,” says the Hospital, the first of its kind owned and operated by parent J-Mart. “We can sell for less because we sell high volume. We’ve got a huge warehouse stacked with silicone hooters, new noses, and lips. In fact, sometimes I enjoy staying overnight in the ‘breasts aisle’ and sleeping on a mattress made of all perky peaks with perfect pom-pom pillows. ”  

~ A German man plunged to his death when he was flipped off a rollercoaster ride. The man was not wearing a safety belt when he was thrown from the ride when it went into a curve.

Some heartless German neo-Nazis lamented their countryman’s death, but wished this had happened 60 years ago. Explained one Nazi QUOTE: “This man’s unfortunate death gave me a great idea. Watching Jews die in gas chambers and ovens is fun and all, but it would be so much more amusing to watch them fly off rollercoasters.” The Nazi continued, outlining his plans for a Hitlerland amusement park featuring rat-poison flavored cotton candy, a funhouse room of mirrors so you can see your naked, starving body from all angles, and a playpen for the kids full of babies’ shoes. With a wry smile he suggested that before Jews could ride the rollercoaster they’d have to pass a life-size cardboard Hitler. If the children were taller than Hitler’s saluting, outstretched arm, they were allowed to enter the Jew Coaster of Death. If they were too short, they were re-routed work the concession stands as slave-labor.  

~A California winery worker was found dead after apparently slipping into a gigantic stainless steel vat of red wine.

The employee was described as being married to his job. In fact, he dove right into his work. And ultimately, that’s what killed him. Fortunately he drown in the RED wine and not the white, for that would be a terrible faux-pa to mix human meat with a dry zinfandel.  

~ A Canadian mugging victim got less than he bargained for in court when the judge called him ``stupid'' for failing to be careful in a rough neighborhood.

And it did not help matters that the best description of the muggers the victim could provide was: a bunch of big goons with bad teeth. This has put all of Canada’s National Hockey League teams under suspicion.  

~ A pollution scare that has baffled scientists and forced the closing of a popular Florida beach at the height of summer has been tentatively linked to a flock of pigeons.  The state Health Department closed the beach after regular water tests showed a sudden increase in fecal coliform bacteria and enterococci.

Pigeons, those cockroaches of the sky. Florida’s Governor was upset by the news that his beaches were being attacked by poisoned pigeon poop. He exclaimed, QUOTE: “I know the birds are coming from up North. What the hell are you guys FEEDING them in New York!”

In related news, New York’s Governor Pataki also visited Florida this summer and squirted some wicked caramel that he says had been backed up since he left home. His poop also caused a sudden increase in fecal coliform bacteria, but caused an even more sudden cry from the restroom, QUOTE: “PLUNGER!!!”

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its re-telecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

 News Archive -->   

| HOME | RANTS | NETCASTS | NEWS | ASKHOG | CARTOONS | BUBBLES | CHATS | HIPHOP | GAMES | SHOP-BODEGA |  LINKS | FREE EMAIL | CONTESTS | CONTACTS |