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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

I'm Theodore, your openly gay newscaster!

 08/28/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore 

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Those Poverty-Stricken Latin American kids who won the Little League World Series. They were so poor their only baseball bat had termites, their helmets were actually soup bowls, and not one parent owned a S.U.V. to take them to and from games!

~ An Egyptian man had one eye removed under the orders of a court in Saudi Arabia for throwing acid at another Egyptian, the first such punishment under Islamic law in the kingdom in 40 years.

Amnesty International has cried that the punishment is barbaric. The Islamic Fundamentalists disagreed saying QUOTE: “No. When we used to remove the eyeball with a piece of duct tape and a fish hookthat was barbaric. But today the operation is performed delicately by a trained physician with a sanitized spork.

 

~ Secretary of State Madeleine Albright arrived in Brasilia, where she is expected to push for more trade and to encourage Brazil to take a greater regional leadership role in promoting democracy.

While he does believe in democracy, Brazil’s President said he was less interested in leading socio-economic change with his neighbors and more interested in helping show me what you workin' with!to popularize the Brazilian T-back thong. Proclaimed the President QUOTE: “This democracy stuff is okay. But really my dream is that every woman in South America wears nothing but a skimpy bikini thong. And not just to the beach! To the office. To ride the bus. To practice in a court of law . . .”

So moved was Madeline Albright by his passion, that she dropped her conservative dress to reveal a purple thong being suffocated by 2 dying white polar bears.

The Brazilian leader’s reaction was QUOTE: “Um, okay. Maybe this was a bad idea. Let’s talk politics. Please.”

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~ Cartoonist Carl Barks, who drew Donald Duck comic books for three decades, turning the quacking, cranky waterfowl into an unlikely, universally loved ''Everyman,'' died at age 99.

Though there was no evidence of FOUL play, there is speculation and expectoration that the organization Saliva Proponents Internationally Together” commandeered a hit on the cartoon creator for his promulgating anti-lisping propaganda. 

 

~ Antiretroviral drugs are keeping HIV-infected patients not only alive, but feeling healthy, for years. Now, study findings suggest that the drugs slash the amount of HIV found in semen--which may reduce the risk of transmitting the virus.

Researchers say it was a scientific path to discovery. They did not “taste test” a spoonful of spooge and say, “Hmm, I think this batch is missing something!”

 

~ According to a new study, at least 625,000 individuals in the Americas die each year from tobacco use.

Many of these smokers use the old rationalization, “So what if I smoke? I know it’s bad for me. But I might get hit by a bus and die too.”

The study found that compared to over 600,000 that died from tobacco use, only 14 died from being hit by a bus. And 10 of those people had stopped in the crosswalk while jaywalking to quickly light up a cigarette.

 

~A U.S. court has ordered an elderly Austrian immigrant deported after concluding that he served as a Waffen-SS guard at a Nazi concentration camp in Germany during World War Two.

The man might never have been discovered had he not one day gone into a local pizzeria looking for work. Dressed in full Nazi uniform he inquired if they needed someone to help scrape the melted Jews out of their ovens.

After employees of the Pizza store turned him in to authorities the Nazi shouted QUOTE: “Those damn Italians! They can’t make up their minds whose side they’re on!” 

 

~ President Clinton bid a feisty and triumphal farewell to his Democratic Party, giving thanks that a man from ``a small southern town'' could serve as president.

And the Democratic Party sarcastically thanked the philandering Clinton for running the entire U.S.  like “a small southern town.”

 

~  Paul McCartney reportedly said he had put together a new Beatles record -- 30 years after the chart-topping group split up using studio out-takes.

This just in: “John Lennon is dead. The Beatles are dead. Stop your pathetic attempts to resurrect your glory days. Courtney killed me.” Signed, Kurt Cobain.

 

~  Bernard Schnakenbourg skirted a 200-year-old Napoleonic law to travel to Britain and have a vasectomy. The 19th century Napoleonic Code proscribes acts of ''self-mutilation'' and is sufficiently vague to prevent French men from undergoing a vasectomy on their native soil.

As history shows, it is important for French men to maintain a working jammy so that when they are attacked, they can comfortably tuck it between their legs while they run away.

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~ Some 600 Cambodian garment factory workers were sent to the hospital with suspected food poisoning after several people fainted after eating.

Further investigation however revealed that the real reason the sweat shop workers fell faint was because they had just learned that their owner, Kathie Lee Gifford, would be leaving her morning TV talk show—putting their “35 cents a week” job in jeopardy.

 

~Conservative Yemeni security forces are cracking down on hotels using satellite dishes to offer guests the ability to watch pornographic films.

Explained the police QUOTE: “Hotels are not places for lewd and lascivious sex acts. Maybe in America it is considered okay for men to disrespect women by fornicating with them in a ‘No-tell Motel’ or by watching filthy films featuring fresh female faces fully formed around a phallus. But in our nation of Yemen we are religiously and morally conservative and do not tolerate this subjugation of women. Wait a second, YOU! Lady in the tramp skirt! You go home now and change clothes! How dare you show naked ankle in public! You are filth! May you be forever barren! SLUUUUUUUT!”

 

~  For the second year in a row, a middle-aged Polish woman has outscreamed 300 rivals by achieving the highest volume at Europe's only vocal noise competition.

When asked how she psyched herself up for the competition, the woman said QUOTE: “What? What?! Did you say something?!!”

In related news, the woman works part-time strapped to the roof of Polish Police cars. 

 

~ Hurricane Debby weakened to a tropical storm off the mountains of Hispaniola but was expected to regain hurricane strength and aim its storm clouds at the southern Bahamas and Florida.

In related news, it’s just like a woman to come into your life, spin everything around, then leave you with nothing.

~ Alberto Orlandez Gamboa, the alleged leader of one of Colombia's most powerful drug cartels was brought into a U.S. court for the first time to face cocaine-trafficking charges.

Gamboa claims he does not sell cocaine, but rather, just simple baby powder. On the witness stand he testified QUOTE: “My product serves only to make baby’s bottoms feel soft and smell fresh. The only reason I ship it to the U.S. late at night on low-flying sea planes with no head-lights, hidden in crates of coffee beans is because I know there are people who want to prevent innocent babies from smelling fresh. The are the REAL criminals! They want little babies to go around with diaper rash! They must be stopped!”

In related news, Gamboa apparently had used his baby powder to freshen up his nose just prior to taking the stand.

 

~French and Canadian bees are getting busy on a remote island in Canada to produce what scientists hope will be a new superbee, resistant to deadly varroa mites that have crippled the global honey market.

In related news, the last time the French and the Canadians collaborated was when they formed the Montreal Expos baseball team. Based on that data, the superbee experiment should be a huge failure. Though it is rumored that the French Canadian bee will be able to actually speak. It’s vocabulary though will be limited to just two essential phrases: “I need top quality medical care; how many miles to the nearest American E.R.?” And of course the lines, “You can have Paris, just please-- give me a day to learn the words to your national anthem.”

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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