09/04/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore 

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by a Fistful of Monkey Poop. Not worth as much a fistful of dollars, but a lot more fun to throw at people.

~ In New York City, The Daily News will release an evening edition newspaper geared for the commuter market. The Daily News Express will be distributed for free from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. at key commuter points such as Penn Station, Grand Central Terminal, the Staten Island Ferry, and the Port Authority.

This not only provides a service for commuters, but also provides toilet paper for the city’s residentially challenged population. These urban nomads especially enjoy the pull-out coupons because they provide a great discount and their colorful glossy stock is smoother on the butt.

~ In Los Angeles, a man police dubbed the "Teardrop Rapist" because of the small teardrops tattooed near his eyes was sentenced for raping a 13-year-old girl and an 18-year-old woman last year. He will be about 80 years old before he is eligible for parole.

Rumor has it that during his first night in jail his cellmate introduced him to a new type of facial teardrop. It was the rapist’s first episode of unwanted buttsex.

HogWild News Network International reminds you that the #1 deterrent of violent crime is not the prospect of imprisonment, loss of freedom, or the isolation from friends and family. It’s unwanted buttsex. If you want your children to stay away from crime, just tell them the story of Wrap-Around Rodney and the Bloody Stool.

~ Two lesbians who were ejected from Dodger Stadium for kissing at a baseball game have an apology coming. A lawyer for the two women said that the Los Angeles baseball team will issue a public apology and donate 5,000 tickets to gay and lesbian organizations.

Officials at Dodger Stadium say they kicked out the publicly affectionate furburger-friendly females NOT because of their homosexual actions. Rather, the ejection was prompted by complaints from the wives of men hootering and hollering at the unexpected free live dyke-out show.

~ The U.S. Department of the Interior reports that a program designed to combat damage done by bears in Yosemite has resulted in a 40 percent decrease in reported monetary damages.

Part of the heavily funded research project involved removing all big open jars of honey from windowsills.

In related news, you can learn everything you ever need to know by watching cartoons – especially those naughty Japanese ones. 

~ Two pit bulls went on an attack near Boston, injuring four people including two children and a pregnant woman.

Other obedient pit bulls were outraged by incident, denouncing the action of the thug dogs. They made a call for more education and social programs in the poorer pit bull communities.

The NRA weighed in on the tragedy by remarking that if Americans had easier access to guns, they wouldn’t need to keep vicious attack dogs.

Yes, the NRA wants those same people who are irresponsible enough to let loose their ferocious pit bulls on the public to have easy access to deadly firearms.

~ In its quest to sell everything imaginable, Amazon.com is adding cars to its list of products.

When asked if there was anything he did NOT plan on adding to Amazon’s impressive roster of wares, the CEO did mention one product--- guinea pig feminine napkins.

Explained the boss man of the Internet retailer QUOTE: “While we endeavor to offer our customers everything under the sun, there is a limit. While there is demand, we feel the market space for household rodent menstruation products is currently saturated—no pun intended. We will however soon be selling cars, bath products, and if this anti-common sense business model fails—my soul.”

Amazon also plans to enter non-traditional revenue channels by selling intangible items. Most of these fall in the service sector. These include Unconditional Love, Spirituality, and Respect. All will be shipped with complimentary gift wrapping and a 30 day money back guarantee.

~ Police had to cancel taping of a hip-hop TV awards show after fights broke out backstage and in the hall of the Pasadena Civic Auditorium.

Combatants in the brawl blamed the aggression on violent rap lyrics.

~ Eminem’s estranged wife Kim Mathers filed suit seeking $10 million from the rapper. She is also seeking full and permanent custody of their four-year-old daughter.

Eminem who is also known by the names Slim Shady, Marshall Mathers, Scumbucket, MC Trailer Trash, and RBB (Reject Beastie Boy) claims that in reality he is a wonderful father who deserves custody of his child. Eminem has disavowed his actions as just being part of his act. Said the adopted white son Dr. Dre always wanted, QUOTE: “You know how KISS wears make-up on stage? That’s like how I am. When I write a song about chopping up my wife into little pieces and urinating in her dug-out skull, that’s just part of the show, nah mean? And when I pistol-whipped that fag for touching my bitch, yo, I was just being the real Slim Shady. But that ain’t me. I keep it real.”

Real confusing. Not to mention, real dumb. When Eminem loses his custody suit, Dr. Dre will have to slowly explain the same way he did when he told the devastated white rapper the reason he couldn’t let him be in his group, Niggaz With Attitudes.

~ Britain's Spice Girls are hoping for a return to the pop charts with a new album and the release of their first single in almost two years.

Barked one Spice Girl, QUOTE: “We’re the reason bitches like Britney Spheres, Christina Gaguilera, and Jessica Simpslut even exist! Except we reached the top with just our natural girl power! Imagine if we were attractive!”

In related news, there are limits to the imagination.

~ Two years after the Culture Club re-united, the Eighties New Wave band is furthering their comeback efforts with the announcement of a U.S. tour.

The tour is tentatively titled “Queer Retro Rump Romp Rides the Road” featuring Boy George making out with fellow English Anal Enabler George Michael.

~ Americans may be regressing into their second childhood: The Cartoon Network scored its best numbers ever last week, tying for first place in primetime among all cable networks with an eye-opening 2.1 rating in cable homes.

This is not so much an indictment of American’s simple-mindedness as it is the state of prime-time television. It’s a sad day when Scooby Doo has a more carefully developed plot than any other live action show. Part of the Cartoon Network’s primetime success can be attributed to CBS’ insistence on running that horrid reality show Big Brother. It was found that Big Brother was so mind numbing that viewers lost an average of 30 IQ points, thus encouraging them to turn the channel to watch more mentally stimulating programming, like a cat who runs after a mouse with a frying pan only to knock himself out by stepping on a carelessly discarded rake.

~ CBS sitcom stars Ray Romano (``Everybody Loves Raymond'') and Kevin James (``The King of Queens'') are dipping their toes into movies for the first time by teaming to write and star in a comedy picture.

The project is in its infant stages, yet the film will undoubtedly earn an R rating for frontal nudity when James takes off his shirt.

~ Six chimpanzees in Copenhagen zoo have inherited $60,000. They were named as sole heirs in the will of an 83-year old widow who had no living relatives of her own.

The elderly woman got the idea to bequeath her bacon bits to the animals one day while strolling around the zoo. In her will she penned QUOTE: “The little fellas greeted me in a most unusual fashion. In fact, it had been many years since I had been privy to such a sight—it was at a Navy stockyard during the War. Well I was so flattered by their throbbing affections that I felt I should show my gratitude by giving them my modest savings to use as they wish. My hope is that the zoo keepers will put the money to good use by securing an experienced female for those lonely bachelors.”

~ New Jersey's 100,000 fourth-graders do pretty well on multiple-choice tests in math and science but more than half of the fourth-graders failed the language arts section of a skills assessment test that required open-ended answers to questions on reading comprehension and writing.

HogWild News went undercover to discover what we all knew all along.  Our super clandestine investigative report that went undetected by even Doppler 5000 radar revealed that the school kids all cheated off the one really smart kid for the multiple choice questions but could not fake their way through the essay because, as one student put it, “Adam is really smart but it’s hard to read his handwriting.”

As a public service, we now present HogWild’s top tips for getting ahead in life:

-Always get a good seat next to the smart kid

-When copying the answer straight out of the book, always replace big words you don’t understand with misspelled simple words like alot

-Never ask questions because then you’ll seem like a dumb kid who needs to be watched carefully for cheating during tests

-Always go to the bathroom before a big discussion so you don’t get called on—especially if you didn’t read the book

-These rules apply forever.

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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