09/11/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore 

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by 

Cassette Tapes. Who needs CD’s and MP3’s when you have a good old fashioned spool of brown tape crammed into a plastic case? Also sponsored by New Coke.  

~ Canadian police say they seized a shipment of the illegal drug ecstasy worth $7.5 million bacon bits.

Canadian game show host Alex Trebek admitted that the shipment was intended for him. Answered Trebek QUOTE: “I’ve wanted to turn Vanna White’s vowels for years! But damn Pat Gayjack won’t let me near her! So I figured if I gave her a big dose of this horny-maker pill, she’d be mine for Final Jeopardy!  

~ Drag queens will appear in the closing ceremony of the Sydney Olympics in what is being described as the first open display of homosexuality at an Olympic ceremony.

HogWild News would like to remind you that the original Olympics featured all-nude male athletes. No, that wasn’t gay. Not at all. Unless you witnessed the Pole Vault.

In related news, Drag Queens themselves are nothing new to the Olympics. In fact, most every year one wins the Gold in the Women's Sprint. 

Knight’s proclivity for violence may have lost him his coaching job, but it has opened up new avenues for his career. Knight will begin a new job as professional wrestler in the WWF fighting under the name Coach Kick-Ass. He will utilize all of his patented moves while wearing his famous sweaters. There’s the Bobby K Neck Choke, the flying chair to the face, and the familiar Screamdown followed by the atomic jock strap wedgee.

~ Michael J. Fox, who left his sitcom ''Spin City'' because of Parkinson's Disease, ended his run on the show with cheers by winning the best actor award at the 52nd Annual Emmy Awards.

Some conspiracy theorists report seeing Fox laughing outside after the Awards mocking QUOTE: “I’m trembling all over. Waaa! Oh, I can barely hold this huge, heavy trophy. I feel so weak. HA! I fooled them! I’d like to thank the Fans, the network, my family, and most of all Mr. Parkinson for helping me win this award! Ha! SUCKERS!”

~ A Ugandan court has rejected a 97-year-old's application to end his 65-year marriage on the grounds of infidelity.

The court refused the divorce because, sadly, they discovered the man’s wife of over half a century had actually become nothing more than a barnacle living on his arm. 

As space maintenance work becomes more routine, the NASA employees are starting to relax their dress. While fixing the equipment in outer space, it was apparent that Orion’s belt was not fastened tightly. In fact, the astronauts briefly thought they had discovered a new Moon, only to be disgusted when they learned it was one of their colleagues with his big white ass exposed like a plumber.

~ A toy virginity-tester was removed from the shelves of Greek shops after the government banned it out of concern for its psychological effect on children. The so-called Virginity Meter purported to rank people's virginity based on a card's color reaction to having a finger pressed on it.

HogWild News has discovered it was actually pulled from the stores out of embarrassment. Children were pointing the tester at Greek men’s asses. The tester consistently ranked each man’s Dirty Doughnut as “Highly Experienced.”

In related news, the Net’s no-nookie-getting nincompoop with the nanometer ‘nads, HogWild, put his hand on the virginity tester and it read “Highly Experienced.” But when he place his jammy on the tester, the virgin meter read display “Zero.”

~ Writing about the antics of teenage wizard Harry Potter has catapulted J.K. Rowling to the top of the list of Britain's highest paid women.

Ironically, number 2 on that list are the Spice Girls: Mel C , Sporty, Sweaty, Dopey, Chubby, and Sneezey. They say they enjoy having Rowling’s stories read to them and one day hope to be able to read the books themselves. 

~ A heavily indebted insurance salesman asked two friends to chop off his left hand in a bid to collect on insurance policies totaling up to $645,000 units. The man was admitted to hospital and tried to pass it off as a gruesome attack by a teenage motorcycle gang.

The man’s plot was uncovered when he became flustered by authority’s questioning. First he blamed the so-called attack on a teenage motorcycle gang, then he switched his story to an out-of-control sushi chef, and finally to a modern day Dr. Frankenstein collecting body parts. You can say the man was caught literally red handed.

In related news, his bloody stump now gives him an excellent conversation piece. But it has caused fashion problems for the professional man. Do you know how difficult it is to match ties to a metal hook?

~ A Bavarian court has imposed a three-month driving ban on a man who was arrested drunk while in charge of his motorized wheelchair. The man was caught using his electric wheelchair while three times over the legal blood-alcohol limit.

The Cripple Cops pulled the wheelchair-bound man over and ordered him to walk a straight line. The officer’s reaction tells the story, QUOTE: “This guy is so plastered he can’t even stand up!”

In related news, the uptight woman made herself into the very word she found degrading. What word would you use to describe a female who is out for money? Ho. She’s a ho. A skanky ho who should have known that when you work for a company which was founded by an Anti-Semite, you can expect to be treated like-- a ho. Ho Ho Ho. Please don’t sue us. Ho Ho Ho. Guess what, HogWild News is protected under the First Amendment: Freedom of Speech, ho. So, ho, understand the difference between a joke and REAL discrimination, ya ho!

~ A founder of the Grammy-winning rock band Survivor will take legal action to prevent the name being used on a soon-to-be-released soundtrack from the hit TV series of the same name.

CBS is fighting back. They have ordered Richard to follow the band and run around all naked and fat-like at every one of their concerts until the band rescinds their law suit.

Unlike most people who crash into busy playgrounds, this man was not simply seeing if he could drive his car up the sliding pond. He was trying to kill children.

In related news, being that the incident was so frightening, it marked the first time that little Billy was NOT reprimanded for peeing in the sandbox. Mrs. Kellor was also not reprimanded.

~ German supermodel Claudia Schiffer turned 30 and insisted she had no problems with leaving her twenties behind -- but said she still finds it hard to meet men.

For his tattle-tale tell-all talk, we go to that traumatic truth-teller with the tick of trepidation triggered by tremendous ta-ta’s, HogWild.

Hog: The curse of beauty. So hard to deal with. Men want to buy you expensive gifts, women admire you, fame and fortune is within your grasp. Can anything be worse?

Yes, the curse of labia acne. No man wants to be poppin’ the coochie only to find that he’s also popping pimples.

If Ms. Schiffer really wants to meet men, all she needs to do is stand outside and wait for the line to form. But no, Claudia is one of those bims who likes to complain. You think it’s hard for YOU to meet men? How about the single mother with no job skills and stained teeth?  Try being HER for a day! Stop your whining Claudia! Enjoy your beauty while you have it. Because one day your modeling career will be over and you’ll be applying for a job as a hostess at a 24 hour Greek Diner in Queens. 

~ In Los Angeles, a 17-year-old girl lost part of both breasts because of complications from a botched surgery performed by a plastic surgeon who was ordered not to practice medicine.

Sadly, in today’s society, young women treat a breast prostheses operation like going to the hair salon. The girl brought in a picture to show the surgeon that she wanted the special “Britney Spheres” style. However this young lady lacked the necessary units to go to a real doctor and instead placed her bust in the trust of a man whose tools creaked with rust. HogWild News offers the following as a Public Service Announcement:

You should be wary of your bootleg doctor botching your breast implant surgery if

a) he performs the procedure wearing blue and red 3-D glasses

2) he informs you that they’re all out of silicone but you can have your choice of Jello, silly putty, or the big bags of urine he has in the back room

c) he insists that in order to give you the best new breasts possible, he must first test the br-r-r-r-r-rewski factor of your current boobies by sticking his face in between them and violently shaking his head from side to side while giving your cleavage a tongue bath

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.