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Anna Nicole Smith gets paid for it, John Lennon still dead, Clint Eastwood on TV?, blind Olympic runner, bottled pollution in NYC, American Nuclear Secrets traded for Hip Hop Mix Tape! All the News and jokes you expect from HogWild News!

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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

I'm Theodore, your openly gay newscaster!

 09/25/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore 

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Paper. Write on it. Fold it. Burn it. In an emergency, blow your nose in it. Kill a 200 year old tree, make a little yellow sticky note.

Give me your varicose vein jammy!~ A Texas-size legal battle gets under way this week when former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith goes to court seeking half of her late nonagenarian husband's billion-dollar estate.

Smith insists she did not marry the 90 year old oil tycoon for his money. But instead, he married her for her big, ripe melons.

The buxom blonde bombshell says she is entitled to his money over his children because QUOTE: “They didn’t have to orally accept an ancient crusty piece of dead wood and pretend to be satisfied for 14 months!”

When confronted with this fact, the adult children responded, QUOTE: “True. True.”

 

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~ The man who gunned down John Lennontwo decades ago says he deserved to be executed for murdering the former Beatle but that Lennon, being a liberal, would probably have wanted him to be released from prison.

Luckily for you, HogWild News Network International has the exclusive report! We went behind the scenes to interview John Lennon from his heavenly home in sky where he was relaxing and enjoying a doobie with Jimi Hendrix and Pope John Paul.

Even liberals have their limitsWe asked the pop music legend if indeed he would want his assassin freed from prison. This was Lennon’s singing response:

“Imagine all the people, stomping on his head

That bastard shot me, while I went out for bread

Imagine all the pain, from my brain to my spleen

I would stick his face up my ass, and squirt a yellow submarine

Imagine all the torture, if I had the choice

The only good thing, is that I no longer have to hear Yoko’s voice!”

 

~ Television, once viewed as the minor league of pop entertainment, is about to launch a new crop of prime-time shows brimming with Hollywood star power. Oscar winner Geena Davis and Bette Midler headline the movie stars transitioning to the small screen. But there are a slew of other stars that will be appearing in TV shows this fall as well.

Make my day . . . and my bedpan!Michael Winslow, the sound effects cop from the Police Academy movies will now be a recurring character on the Charlie Rose news program. Ralph Macchio of Karate Kid fame joins the cast of Friends as yet another 30 something guy with major character flaws. His flaw is that he’s intimidated by a 80 year old Japanese man who makes him wax his car. And gunslinger Clint Eastwood will make guest appearances as host of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” It is expected that he will adapt Regis’ line to “So, is that your final answer, punk?

 

 

~ Romania has returned its remaining two medals in the Olympic women's all-around gymnastics competition to protest Andreea Raducan's loss of her gold medal for taking cold medication containing a banned substance.

Complained the Romanian coach QUOTE: “How were we supposed to know that her cold medication contained steroids? We just wanted her to get over her sniffles, so she’s been taking 3 bottles a day for the past 3 months.  This is some bulltish! Why is everyone hatin’ on us?”

 

~ NBC opted not to keep its package of major league baseball games due to baseball’s postseason asking price of $2.5 billion through 2006.

NBC believes that 2.5 billion bacon bits is too much to pay for a sport that offers television viewers 10% action and 90% crotch scratching/dirt kicking/tobacco spitting. Said NBC’s V.P. of Sports programming, QUOTE: “If that’s what viewers wanted to see, they would all move to West Virginia and watch the country-folk. And for that price, we could BUY West Virginia.”

 

~ Marla Runyan is a blind Olympic runner who says she is up for the challenge.

She has qualified for the race despite many near-tragedies in Sydney. She almost got decapitated while racing the hurdles, she almost ran into a Javelin, and she came dangerously close to extinguishing the Olympic torch when she lost her way while searching for the restroom.

 

~ U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno and FBI Director Louis Freeh defended the prosecution of scientist Wen Ho Lee against accusations of racism and overzealousness by recounting how he downloaded U.S. nuclear secrets onto portable tapes.

Wen Ho Lee denies that he was acting as a spy or that he had plans to give the tapes over to the Chinese Government. Claims Lee, QUOTE: “I was going to trade it for a DJ Clue mix tape. You know how hard it is to get that real New York City underground hip hop in New Mexico? So what if one person in New York was going to have detailed blueprints to make atomic bombs? It’s not like anyone has tried to blow up the World Trade Center or something! Oh, wait a minute.”

In related news there are now reports from Manhattan saying that street entrepreneurs are now selling fake Rolexes, gold chains, bootleg t-shirts, and Yankee hats. And for every 5 bacon bits you spend, you get America’s classified nuclear secrets free!

 

That's nice Bobby, but did you remember the sawed off shotgun?~ Two teen-age boys were in critical condition after shooting each other during a fight at a New Orleans middle school in the latest case of gun violence to hit U.S. schools.

It’s amazing how kids today can’t remember to bring their homework, but they CAN remember to bring 2 full clips of ammo.

 

Duuuuh, anybody have banana?~ America's poverty rate has dropped to its lowest level in 20 years with the median household now earning more than $40,000 units a year.

Both political parties are attempting to take credit for the achievement. The Democrats laud their social programs and focus on job training. While Republican George W. Bush said QUOTE: “This has happened due to President Reagan’s trickle-down economic theory.”

In related news, if Reagan’s plan took 20 years to work, then George W. Bush himself is doomed as he’s operating on the trickle-down I.Q. theory. Keep in mind his I.Q. started at room temperature—in an igloo.

 

~ Convicted child-killer Susan Smith has been transferred from the South Carolina Women's Correctional Institute amid a widening investigation into a sex scandal at the prison. Two guards are charged with having sex with Smith at the maximum-security facility.

In related news, Spank Me Entertainment is seeking the story rights for an in-depth dominatrix docu-drama video. 

 

~President Clinton said he had long been troubled by the treatment of nuclear weapons scientist Wen Ho Lee, even as Attorney General Janet Reno defended her department's handling of the case.  

Clinton went so far as to offer proof by showing a blister that formed from all that “concerned lip biting” he does.  

In related news, when informed that Wen Ho was NOT a female Asian in need of a Bubba Bath, he recanted QUOTE: “Throw that crusty old scientist in jail! And to think I almost invited him into the Oval Office to eat chocolate covered cherries off my nipples!”

 

~ Sports shoe and apparel giant Nike Inc. reported that first quarter profits rose 10 percent, beating Wall Street forecasts, boosted by strong international growth.

That international growth was fueled mainly by Korea, where Nike employs most of its shoe glue engineers. Nike has upped average salaries to 2 shiny American nickels per 12 hour work day. Plus, if a worker meets the incentive goal of manually blowing the air bubbles into 5000 sneakers in one shift, they get an irregular pair of Nike’s for free!

 

~ Microsoft Corp. co-founders Bill Gates and Paul Allen plan to sell a total of $109.3 million of stock in the company.

The duo explained that they were going on a fishing trip together and they need a little spending cash in case, QUOTE: “You know, we see an island we want to buy.”

~ In New York City, three people were sickened after drinking bottled water contaminated with chemicals, and authorities were investigating to determine whether the cases involved tampering.

This just goes to show you that you should carefully read the label to see where the water is actually from. The bootleg brands that were contaminated were even called, “Hudson River D-Lite,” “Tasty NJ Shore (with real bits of pulp and pollution),” and “Rusty Tap,” bottled from a sink in a South Bronx apartment.

In related news, never drink bottled water that has a used syringe floating in it.

 

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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