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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

I'm Theodore, your openly gay newscaster!

10/02/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore 

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by the “Wash Me” people. We’re the ones who write Wash Me on the hood of your car when it’s caked with dirt. Wash Me is a non-profit organization of volunteers who remind you that a thick film of filth on your windshield is not a good way to tint your windows.

Did he remember his homework and condoms?~ In Seattle, the teen who fathered two children with former teacher Mary K. Letourneau is wanted by police for failing to face car theft charges.

His lover/teacher was very disappointed. Mrs. Letourneau made the teenager stay after school to lick her chalkboard and wash her privates. 

 

Unforgiven my ASS! I knew I'd win!~  A federal jury cleared Clint Eastwood in a lawsuit filed by a disabled woman who claimed the actor’s hotel was not properly equipped with wheelchair access.

Eastwood acted in his own defense, claiming this was a case of “The Good, the Bad,” then he paused to point to the defendant and continued, “The Ugly.” Eastwood stated QUOTE: “It’s not my fault her crippled ass can’t get up the stairs!” He even gave her an opportunity to give herself wheelchair access by propositioning her to QUOTE: “Go ahead, make my ramp.”

 

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~ Good grief! You're switching networks, That Linus sure is a pussy!Charlie Brown. In an upset of Great Pumpkin-size proportions, ABC has beat out CBS for the rights to 3 classic ``Charlie Brown'' animated specials.

Cartoon classics are always a television hit. FOX will counter with special episodes of The Simpsons, while NBC will offer its own poorly drawn characters with predictable dialogue: the Presidential Debates.

~ The NBA’s Allen Iverson is releasing a hardcore rap CD tentatively titled “Non-Fiction.” The first single will include the rhyme, "This ain't for kids with action figures, this is for the hard-core niggas."

Hardcore Niggas have not reacted favorably to the song, reminding Iverson that he may have come from the Ghetto, but now that he’s a multi-million dollar athlete, he can no longer relate to the realness of the streets. Iverson responded by calling the Niggas, QUOTE: “Haters.”

In related news, Iverson is an early leader in the MVP balloting as well as the “Look-at-Me-I’m-a-Freak” Award that was established in 1996 honoring NBA All-Star/Wrestler/Porn Star/Tattoo Target/Madonna-Doinker Dennis Rodman.

Hey Man, I stretched Madonna WAY past her borderline.

 

~ In Brooklyn, a would-be bank robber chose an odd getaway vehicle - a slow-moving city bus.  The thief collected $8,300 in cash and made her escape on a bus. The bus was stopped by police about a block from the bank and she was arrested.

Bank tellers were shaken up by the robber’s demands to QUOTE: “Gimme all your money-- and a dollar-fifty in coins!”

 

~  In Seattle, a brain surgery patient who wandered out of the hospital was found more than a day later asleep on a sidewalk, thanks to the help of some homeless people.

John Bassham was recovering but has no memory of leaving the Medical Center or walking around downtown.

That would be because they removed his BRAIN!

In related news, the urban nomads who found him said they expected no reward, but they were grateful that the man could not remember them stealing his wallet or using his hat as a bedpan.

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~ When it opened, it was hip and trendy. Thirty years later, Pittsburgh’s  Three Rivers Stadium is considered an eyesore and is being replaced by a state-of-the-art throwback stadium.

John RocKKKer said he hoped the stadium would be truly old-fashioned and thus install separate water fountains for whites and coloreds.

In related news, many things that were “hip and trendy” thirty years ago are no longer considered such today. Some examples include hula hoops, silly putty, space exploration, resigning political office to keep what little you have left of your dignity, polyester, 8-tracks, and Communism.

 

~ New York Knicks center Luc Longley, received in the four-team blockbuster deal that sent Patrick Ewing to the Seattle SuperSonics, suffered a knee injury that could keep him out for 6 weeks.

Longley, a BDWG (Big Doofy White Guy) is likely to be replaced with another such BDWG who can clog up the middle his big awkward body and sharp elbows. The short list includes Bill Wennington, Will Perdue, Vitaly Potapenko, and Big Bird.

 

~ A lawyer for Football’s Antonio Langham denies an allegation that the New England Patriots cornerback sexually assaulted a woman.

On the positive side, with so many criminals playing in the NFL, the league has been able to retain counsel at a bulk discount rate.

 

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~ Bogongs, the big, fat hairy moths that have plagued the Sydney Olympics, flooded in on the act at the closing ceremony.

In related news, the last time such a big, fat hairy pest got so much attention was when Richard won Survivor.

 

if you find her costume sexy, there is REALLY something wrong with you~ Deep in the heart of rural New Zealand, a few cows are producing a super-frothy milk to the delight of the cafe set -- and the surprise of the dairy industry. Scientists say, ``There's definitely something in the grass.''

No word on whether that “something” was their own feces in the form of fertilizer.

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~ Seven naked drug-runners were nabbed off Colombia's coast after they dumped millions of dollars worth of cocaine into the ocean, doused themselves with gasoline, and then rammed a U.S. Navy vessel with their speedboat.

The upset drug runners lamented the whole escapade as QUOTE: “Just one of those days.”

With the current high prices for oil, authorities are still calculating which cost the Colombians’ more money: dumping the kilos of cocaine, or pouring out 10 gallons of gasoline

 

~ Feathers flew in a suburban Atlanta school as officials faced criticism for suspending a sixth grader for possession of a Tweety Bird wallet that violated a school weapons policy. The 11-year-old girl at Garrett Middle School was suspended for two weeks because her Tweety Bird wallet was attached to a 10-inch key chain.

Explained school officials, QUOTE: “Sure a key chain may seem harmless, but these days you can never be too careful. That’s also why all children must wear Velcro sneakers [shoelaces are illegal], no belts, and each morning we check under their tongues for razor blades.”

When asked if this seemed excessive, the officials softened their stance. “We have adapted the policies to be more congruent with the desires of the community. For instance, we have eliminated mandatory full cavity searches after parents voiced concerns that we were influencing the sexual lifestyle choices of the male students.

 

~ In New York City, the family of a man shot to death by police has sued the city and the officers involved for $300 million, aiming particular criticism at the mayor for attacking the man's character after his death.

Cried the man’s family QUOTE: “He may have been a drug dealer but he never hurt no body! Well, except for all the junkies he dealt to who had to steal from innocent people and expose their children to their dirty addiction. But besides that, he was a good man! You can’t put a price on a human life. But if you could, we estimate it to be $300 million bacon bits. So what if the city could use those units to build world class education facilities for its children? Show us the cash!”

 

~ A federal lawsuit accuses auto parts retailer AutoZone Inc. of discriminating against female and black job applicants by hiring white males with fewer qualifications.

Had no prior experience as an Evil TyrantAutoZone tendered only this weak defense, QUOTE: “Throughout time white males with fewer qualifications have been hired for jobs over women and minorities. We were merely continuing that tradition. One only need look to historical examples. Moses applied to be leader of the Jews. He go the job despite the fact he had a major speech impediment and there were many more qualified women. Jesus won the job as Savior despite outrageous exaggerations on his resume like what he wrote under accomplishments: Walking on Water. Adolph Hitler won the job as Fuhrer of Germany. He had no relevant experience for the position of Evil Tyrant! His previous employment was as a house painter! And even today, the NRA hired George W. Bush to be the Republican Candidate even though his only accomplishment is that he didn’t drown in his mother’s womb.”

 

~ New York City is willing to pay a third of the cost of a new ballpark for Yankees if the team and New York State also pay one-third each.

This is significant to the city’s plans to keep the Yankees in their present location. If they did move, the Bronx Bombers would have to change their nickname to the Upper West Side Bombers, or even more disgusting, the Newark Bombers.

 

~ In Los Angeles, a Metropolitan Transportation Authority bus driver strike appears imminent with the unions and MTA at a stalemate over four 10-hour days each week without overtime.

Charged the Union QUOTE: “How can they expect us to work 40 hours a week! Driving a bus is hard labor! We have to sit. We have to push pedals and turn the wheel. Then we have to sit some more! We deserve more money for sitting on our ass 10 hours a day!”

In related news, some bus drivers claim their working conditions have caused them to suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome in their buttocks. Moaned one transportation specialist QUOTE: “At first the tingling in my butt was queerily erotic. Now it just plain hurts. We want more pay. Less hours. And new uniforms! We want home and away jerseys like the pros!” This coming from a rotund man who put the ass in Mass Transit.

 

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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