HOGWILD.NET semi-hilarious comedy every day
The Backstreet Boys reveal the REAL Shape of their Heart, Men with Dyslexic Nipples, Bush versus Gore, Tiger Woods versus SAG, Adam Sandler versus Charlie's Angels, Israelis versus Palestinians, Elton John versus young African boys, Al Gore's frozen flesh, Mr. Rogers quits!, Nun baptizes homo kids, Diet Gurus battle, George Michael versus John Lennon, Charlie Sheen versus Martin Sheen, Toy Story 2 versus High Fidelity, Politics versus MTV, Madonna versus Porn-- or do they join forces? All the News and jokes you expect from HogWild News!
HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL
HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Men with Dyslexic Nipples.
For all you rabid Backstreet Boys fans marking off the days until
the band's Black & Blue hits the streets, there's good news.
Fans can now download the band's first single, "Shape of My
Heart," in its entirety.
According to the net’s nasty Null-IQ numbskull known to wear negligee at night, HogWild, he can’t understand what the excitement is surrounding the song. Said Hog QUOTE: “We already KNOW the Shape of their Heart. It’s in the shape of a man’s ass.”
The fight for the White House tumbled into the courts as a
transfixed nation witnessed the historic entanglement of presidential
politics and the judiciary. George W. Bush fought on two fronts to
block recounts that threatened his 388-vote lead in Florida, tactics Al
Gore's team called ``arbitrary and unreasonable.''
countered, QUOTE: “The American people should beware of Gore’s ‘risky
recount scheme.’” The Governor continued QUOTE: “How can he
complain about the process, didn’t he INVENT the ballot box? Dammit, I
won! I avenged the defeat of my father. He has insulted me and my family.
Now I must battle him to the death in the House of Mirrors.
I will show him my patented Texas Executioner Style! I’ll use my
nun-chucks as a nutcracker on his groin! Fight to the Death! Waaaaaaaaaaaa!”
reaction was livid, QUOTE: “This fine is for an obscene amount of money!
I’ll have to play 4 or 5 holes of golf to pay for it all!”
The angels banished the demons at the box office. ``Charlie's
Angels'' took in $25 million to remain the top movie
for the second straight weekend, leaving Adam Sandler’s satanic
Nicky'' with a second-place debut.
did not take the news well. Proclaimed the Waterboy star, QUOTE: “If
it’s Charlie’s Angels they want, it’s Charlie’s Angels they’ll
get!” Sandler then introduced his newest project titled “Comedy’s
Angels” starring himself alongside Rob Schneider and Trey Parker.
The trio will make up the male version based around the premise of 3
“fart and poop joke” comedians who kick the ass of evil censors
and letter-writing Midwestern Grandmothers. The climax of the movie will
be a fight scene where the goofy guys stand back-to-back-to-back on the
floor of Congress and proceed to strangle, maim, and karate chop
oncoming, irate Conservatives.
Palestinians persuaded the U.N. General Assembly to again admonish Israel
for its use of force against civilians.
related news, Palestinian civilians differ from Palestinian soldiers
in that when they throw grenades and bottle-rockets they are not
covered under the PLO’s comprehensive medical plan.
An Italian bride who was showered with rice on the steps of
a church after her wedding had to go to a hospital to have
one grain extracted from her ear. The wedding reception had to be delayed
by an hour until she returned from the hospital.
it wasn’t only the rice that injured the young Italian bride. Her
injuries can also be attributed to overzealous family members pelting her
with hard, uncooked tortellini.
A German state office has asked a 91-year-old Holocaust survivor
to give back the Nazi death-camp compensation she received
because she did not properly declare past income.
discuss this matter we go to the anti-racist, embracist of female faces
of all races, even underage with braces, HogWild.
Let’s put ourselves in this woman’s shoes. That is, if the Nazis still
don’t have all her shoes tossed in a mountain along with her gold
fillings and hair. The year is 1940. You’re in your prime. You’re
loving life. Then your whole country goes nuts and starts blaming you for
everything from the economy to the weather. Then they round you up,
strip you naked, rape you, break your back with slave labor, and torture
you with unscientific experiments on your trembling body. Then
the Americans come in and kick some ass and you’re free. Six million
died but you somehow survived. Sixty years later your country is says,
“Oops! Looking back, we really shouldn’t have systematically
murdered all of your family and relatives. Who knew?! Hindsight is
20-20.” My question is, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING THERE?!!
Get the hell out! Move! They tried to KILL you! They broke your body,
tortured your soul and you’re stupid enough to still live there?!
Move! GET OUT! Does it surprise you that an ex-murder now is trying
to steal what little you have left? Ain’t nothin’ there for you!
That’s why the World finally agreed on a homeland for your people—Florida!
John has revealed that he considered adopting a South
African orphan, but thought it was unfair to impose his lifestyle and
high profile on the child.
John, who has always been fond of young African boys, decided it
would confuse the boy too much when he learned that his Father is a
middle-aged, gay, white guy who insists that the roadkill resting
on his skull is actually human hair. But Elton lamented, QUOTE:
“I would love to raise the small child into a big, strong, black
man. Hey if Woody Allen can marry his step-daughter, why can’t I
raise MY boy to be a good wife?”
In Los Angeles, portions of a man's body were found stuffed in a freezer,
and they had apparently been there for a while.
careful examination it was discovered that the remains had been in the
freezer since the city’s Democratic Convention. The frozen
flesh was actually Gore’s spare parts. Included in the
freezer was his “Concerned Face,” “Stern Face,” and
“Flabbergasted Face.” Gore’s Campaign Spokesman said only that the
Vice-President is not an alien or robot. The reason he looks like
that is just because his faces never have a good chance to thaw out.”
~ It's a sad day in the neighborhood.
children's TV host Fred Rogers plans to introduce his last new
neighbor next year. The 71-year-old host and creator of "Mister
Rogers' Neighborhood" will shoot the final episode of the show in
concerned about the show’s end are child Physicians. Worried one
Doctor QUOTE: “The show was a natural alternative to Riddlin. The
daily routine of Mr. Rogers changing his shoes and sweaters, the comforting
songs, and the land of make-believe has calmed thousands of
would-be serial killers over the years and in the process only created a few
hundred. I mean, after watching him talk to a puppet day after day,
and letting strangers into his home, wouldn’t YOU go a little nutty? Pull
a few oxygen plugs out? Mix up a few prescriptions? Smother Mrs.
McGentry’s wrinkled face with a pillow until her lungs collapsed?
Wouldn’t you?! You WOULD! You WOULD! Won’t YOU be my Neighbor?! HA HA
HA!” The M.D. then skipped down the hospital hallway to watch the film Dr.
Giggles for the fourth time that day.
In Boston, about 100 supporters of Sister Jeanette Normandin showed
up for a protest rally in the South End.
was fired for assisting in the baptism of the adopted sons
of two gay couples. Performing a baptism is a role usually reserved
Priests reportedly fired the Sister because she denied them a coveted
opportunity to see little boys naked.
Pedro Martinez is
the unanimous winner of the American League Cy Young Award for the
second straight year.
York’s Roger Clemens has filed an injunction pending a recount
of the votes.
related news, Martinez has filed a countersuit, demanding that Clemens buy
a Dictionary so he can look up the word “unanimous.”
At an Arab summit held amid outrage at violence that has killed
scores of Palestinians, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak blamed Israel for
bringing the peace process to a standstill, but said Arabs would not
abandon the path of negotiations.
continued QUOTE: “We are willing to negotiate with whatever
explosives are necessary to bring this conflict to an end.”
It was a skirmish in the war on fat as two rival diet gurus
faced off at the American Dietetic Association convention.
Robert Atkins, author of two popular diet books
advocating loads of protein and minimal carbohydrates, sparred with Dr.
Dean Ornish, who advocates eating more fruits and vegetables and less
fat, more in line with what most nutritionists recommend.
two sparring Diet Peddlers paraded their success stories on stage
in a bizarre competition. Pudgy women stumbled along,
showing off their newly loose skin, smiling as their 400 pound
“Before” Photo flashed on giant television screens. Dr. Atkins
exclaimed, “This woman was so big she could’ve swallowed Elvis without
necessitating a bowel movement! She carried quadruplets for 8 months
before noticing! Reservoir levels used to drop 50% when she took a bath. Now
look at her!”
Ornish shot back QUOTE: “Her ass is as toned as Silly Putty. You
think she looks good now? Put her in a bikini and you’ll have to send in
a team of archeologists to retrieve the thong! Now look at my success
story. This lump of lard couldn’t even lift his blubbery arms
above his head before he started my diet. Now he’s able to safely apply
deodorant. I’ve changed this man’s life for the better! He no longer
smells like a chain-smoking Walrus!”
related news, the Doctors set back the progress of all their patients with
their nasty comments. The out-of-control eaters cried into bowls of
raw cookie dough, sugar-covered pasta, and chocolate Ham.
Michael promised that as soon as he records a song
on the piano John
Lennon used to compose ``Imagine,'' he'll return the
instrument to Liverpool's Beatles museum. But
until then he’s enjoying the legendary instrument.
gay pop singer who was once caught playing his “organ” in a
public park said he hasn’t had this much fun “tickling the ivories”
since he was a teenager in sleep-away Summer Camp.
Two political shows, two Sheens--and as it turns out, two winners.
what marked the first long-awaited battle of the Sheens--elder statesman Martin's
Wing versus recovering bad-boy son Charlie's
Spin City--both shows ended up on top Wednesday night. Though The West
Wing had slightly better ratings.
related news, it is not really a fair contest to pit Martin Sheen versus
his son Charlie. Martin only has to be more popular than the United
States President. Charlie needs to be more popular than everyone’s
favorite dying actor, Michael J. Fox.
further related news, Fox has taken a part-time job to keep himself busy
as he tries to fight Parkinson’s Disease. He works weekend
afternoons at a local Baskin Robbins making milk shakes by hand.
Walt Disney Home Video is scrambling to recall some of its Toy
Story 2 DVDs, after it found out the G-rated
blockbuster was accidentally duplicated to include an expletive-filled clip
from the R-rated flick High
Disney’s publicist admitted QUOTE: “The accident did expose
children to some harsh language. But let’s face it, if they’re
watching a movie with characters named Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and
Mrs. Potato-HEAD, then the parents aren’t too concerned with monitoring
for content. Besides, these are the same kids that have sexual fantasies
about Pocahontas and the Little Mermaid.
Young people are not connecting to the political process and
politicians are not addressing their concerns, according to
research results released by MTV Networks.
related news, MTV discovered that young people’s greatest concerns go
beyond the reach of politicians as they cannot influence the
plotlines on The Real World, nor ensure that Eminem’s videos
get played at least 5 times every hour.
Businessman Dan Parisi has lost his fight with Madonna over the
rights to the Internet domain name "madonna.com." The World
Intellectual Property Organization ruled this week that Parisi, who
purchased the domain in 1998 and had used it for a pornography site,
had "no legitimate interests in respect of the domain name."
Argued the entrepreneur, QUOTE: “My intentions are 100% legitimate. Isn’t Porn protected by the First Amendment? I chose her name because that’s what most people type in when they think SLUT!”
News Network International has been compiled from various sources
including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings,
Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
www.hogwild.net Semi-Hilarious Comedy EVERY
Copyright © Hog-Wild! Entertainment. All rights reserved. So back the hell off, you silly little thumb-sucker.
Revised: February 07, 2003. hogwild.net--- TELL A FRIEND!!