12/18/2000

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Minnesota Grape De-Icer. Stop using dangerous ice-scrapers on your Grapes! In the Winter deep-freeze, grapes get icy. De-ice ‘em with one spray of the Minnesota Grape De-Icer!

  ~ A Christmas survey showed that men spend more time looking for gifts for their bosses than for their wives, but women spend more time shopping for their pets than their spouses.

This wouldn’t happen if spouses remembered the truth. Your wife is the boss and your husband is a dog. Problem solved.

The 16-minute online video shows a journalist making his way through a seedy prostitution area, picking up a prostitute and then going to a room where they have sex for several minutes.

There are clues that this online newspaper is not a 100% legitimate member of the reporting media. First, the Hong Kong reporter was described as “Privates Investigator Kok N. Han.” Second, the Meteorologist is a woman who, to demonstrate an upcoming cold front, dumped a bucket of ice cubes into her bikini top.

~ Hip-hop star DMX has sold his memoir, ``A Dogz Life,'' to HarperCollins. DMX plans to chronicle his troubled childhood, multiple arrests and career as an actor and rapper. The book will have an inspirational slant.

Said the rapper, QUOTE: “I wanna let my young dogs know that nobody can stand in the way of your dreams of becoming a big dog. Nah mean? Cuz when you keep it real fo’ yo’ dogs, yo’ dogs keepin’ it real fo’ you. And that’s real. You know ma steez.”

The book so far has received critical acclaim. One reviewer penned QUOTE: “DMX has overcome it all to write this book. Poverty, crime, and most of all—a complete ignorance of English grammar.”

In related news, passengers are said to be ecstatic and even eager to entrust their lives to overworked, disgruntled pilots who are being forced to work over the holidays. Said one typical holiday traveler QUOTE: “I don’t care who flies me to my parents as long as I can save a few bucks. Besides, an airplane kinda looks like a cross if you hold it upright. That would be just too ironic. Ya know, to die on a cross on Christmas.”

~ Calista Flockhart

The emaciated star of Ally McBeal had reportedly taken a very deep breath and momentarily disappeared. When she exhaled, she reappeared, sprawled across the floor in exhaustion.

Flockhart still denies having an eating disorder despite the recent collapse and loss of bone density, toe nails, and the inability to swat flies from her rotting hair.

~ After pressure from local police, the Bloodhound Gang canceled their show in Boise, Idaho.

At issue were instances when the band repeatedly paid fans to expose themselves, vomit, defecate and urinate on stage.

According to a statement issued by band management, the Bloodhound Gang "decided to cancel this date rather than conform to the community's conservative standards by compromising their integrity and level of entertainment in their live shows."

Added the group’s lead singer, QUOTE: “How can we be expected perform under these conditions?! We’re artists! If I can’t be inspired by the pee of strangers and the caramel of unclean women, then I can’t sing! This is an outrage! What ever happened to Freedom of Speech? Defecation is speech too— if you’d only listen.”

In related news, we have listened. And it sounds like this: Bwipfi-oooooo. 

Many women want not only men to be excluded from the cars, but also female pro-bowlers with thick legs and short spiky haircuts. Said one lady QUOTE: “The drunk men, they just grab our butts. But the drunken dykes, they twist our nipples until they’re purple.”

~

The other astronauts on board did not go on the spacewalk reasoning, QUOTE: “Ah, it’s a little chilly out there today. Besides, up here I can eat all I want and not gain any weight! I deserve to splurge. I’ll do my walking tomorrow.”

~

To secure the rare and very popular animals from China, the American Government had only to promise to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to China’s ongoing human rights abuses. Now with President Bush ready to take office, China is assured to be treated to the complete trio of Blind, Deaf, and Dumb.

While the United States has been working to normalize relations with the Communist power, it has still refused to send an official ambassador. But after these new talks, the U.S. agreed to send AOL-TimeWarner’s V.P. of Global Marketing to China. Admitted an anonymous White House staffer, “It’s basically the same thing anyway.”

~ Texas broke its own U.S. record for executions in a year. The lethal injection of Garry Miller gave Texas 38 executions this year, the most by any state since U.S. authorities began keeping death penalty records in 1930.

Governor Bush defended the record by popping champagne and yelling at his secretary to QUOTE: “Get those Guinness Book people on the phone!” When asked if he believed the Death Penalty was

working as it should to deter crime, Bush answered QUOTE: “Well of course! That’s why we’re fying up a lot more scum!” And when asked if the Death Penalty conflicted with his religious convictions Bush replied QUOTE: “Aw, heck no. I know in the Bible it says only God shall pass judgement and that we should forgive all sins in the name of Christ. But look, that stuff don’t apply to TEXAS!”

This means HogWild’s mother will have to modify her incessant nag to, “What? Am I not worth 34 cents?”

Explained Moore, QUOTE: “It’s only my CAREER that is near-death. I’m actually doing okay. I just hope they don’t replace me in Arthur 3 with that hideous Charlie Sheen.”

He can now go back to the job of serving out his second term through the façade of his son’s administration. Three members of George W. Bush’s staff were also on George Sr.’s staff. Coincidence? Rumor is Dan Quayle will be named Secretary of Education. 

Berry sang out in his defense, QUOTE: “Johnny be Good or you can swing from My Ding-a-ling!” This amusing sing-song testimony was so delightful the judge dismissed the charges. In his remarks though, the Judge did admit it was likely that at least SOMEONE was drunk when the lyrics to such songs as “My Ding-a-ling” and “No Particular Place to Go” were created.

So now the old joke has to be updated: How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Sample. Sample. Sample.

~ Palm Springs police have filed felony drug charges against Robert Downey Jr. and--pending the final word from prosecutors--the oft-troubled actor may not see another shot at redemption for a long time.

Downey put it perspective, QUOTE: “In another 15 years when I run for President, this will all be very amusing.”  

However after the Michael Richards Show disaster, it’s most likely the only time the Seinfeld cast will re-appear on TV is for a Reunion Special hosted by John Ritter. 

In typical New York fashion, as the young boy fell out of the car to his death, all the passengers turned away and avoided making eye contact with the hysterical mother. When asked how they could be so cold and calloused, one New Yorker explained QUOTE: “In New York you see it all. I just figured the mom to be some kind of homeless crack whore who was trying to con us into giving her money to feed her, you know, crazy crack addiction. I mean, how was I supposed to know the kid wasn’t in on the deal? It’s like that veteran-guy who rides the D train. He pretends not to have any legs. But I’ve seen him walking. I know because I was there with him when we stood on line to be extras for a taping of the Sopranos.”  

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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