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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

I'm Theodore, your openly gay newscaster!

05/28/2001

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

w/ Theodore 

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by the blockbuster movie of the summer: Pearl Harbor! We managed to make the film drag on longer than the actual attack! Pearl Harbor—bombing in theaters all across America!

~ Many in Congress are questioning President Bush's plans for a missile defense system, which is opposed by China, Russia and some allies in Europe.  They are concerned that countries will be we need a big sperm net encouraged to build more missiles to overcome a national missile defense in the United States as opposed to taking down their missiles and trying to find more peaceful cooperation.

Bush explained his position QUOTE: “It’s like I tell my beautiful daughters. You must create an impregnable fortress so you do not get— um, impregnated.  You see there are many rogue boys like that Arab fella who was hot for Jenna. And that Korean who liked Barbara. Ya see, they know better than to point their weapon of ass destructiondirty missiles invading American women! at my girls. But what if one day they go all-rogue-like and they want to shoot their dirty missiles— into the virgin shores of America? Then what? That’s why we need to build a giant diaphragm over the United States. So our women don’t get impregnated by foreigners!”

Vice President Dick Cheney then slapped his hand over his forehead in humiliation just before convulsing into his 18th heart attack.

 

~ President Bush signed a law to build a World War II memorial seen as a long overdue tribute by its supporters and as a scar on one of Washington, D.C.'s great open spaces by its detractors.

Cleveland is home to the Rock Hall of Fame, Drew Carrey, and a host of other unwanted BLOATED projects.A spokesperson for the opponents to the new structure said QUOTE: “We don’t need ANOTHER memorial cluttering up D.C. We got the Vietnam Memorial, the Washington Monument, The Lincoln Chair-thingy, the Holocaust Museum, the reflecting pool… Who needs something else? Put it some place where no one will ever bother to see it— like Cleveland! It can sit next to that Rock Hall of Fame that no one goes to.”

 

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~ A report on Mother Teresa will be submitted to the Vatican to decide on the beatification of the nun who died in 1997 after years of service to the poor. The Diocesan Commission was set up after Pope John Paul granted a special dispensation to put the nun on the fast track to sainthood. Normally, church rules call for five years to pass after a person dies before the procedure for sainthood can begin.

A young Mother Teresa-- ay Mami!This has outraged religious purists who believe that all candidates should be retired or deceased for 5 years before they are eligible for the Catholic Hall of Fame.

Exclaimed one Priest QUOTE: “Without 5 years to reflect on her career stats, how do we know how she will compare to other do-gooders of her era?! Sure it looks great that she helped 10,000 lepers every year for 40 years and that she led the league in nourishing orphan babies— but we need more time to adjust for anomalies. Maybe she wasn’t better than any other would-be saint—maybe there was just more good to be done than at any other time! And we have to factor in the DH (Diuretic homeless) she helped. That totally inflates her statistics.”

 

~benji's Congress gave final approval to the biggest tax cut in a generation, voting to reduce all income tax rates over the next five years and to give the weakened economy a quick jolt by sending rebates to taxpayers this summer.

In related news, Democrats have already begun their crying. Moaned one liberal Senator QUOTE: “How can we feed the hungry, clothe the poor, and build better schools without bleeding each and every American of half their paycheck?”

Answered a Republican Senator QUOTE: “Oh, don’t worry. President Bush has a plan for accomplishing those noble goals. He’s going to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, and build better schools by spending 3 trillion dollars on a Missile Defense System!”

 

~ More than 2,000 people posed naked in downtown Montreal for an American artist staging a nude group photo shoot authorized by local authorities. The unclothed participants laid on the ground to be photographed in 55-degree weather.

In vomit-inducing news, the French Canadian bims of Montreal who posed naked for the picture proved their pubic-grooming habits to be more French than Canadian.

It is still unclear why so many men allowed Jack Frost to nip at their ‘nads in the cold air. When the local authorities were asked why they permitted this to take place they answered QUOTE: “Normally, if we were expecting a great public disturbance we would not allow the event. But the artist was using a play on the words of our baseball team by calling the gathering ‘The Montreal Expose.’ And around here nobody shows up for the Expos!”

 

~ Dr. Fraiser CraniumSpeaking at the 131st commencement at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, ``Frasier'' star Kelsey Grammer told graduates the three keys to real-world success are talent, intention and tenacity.

He then added QUOTE: “It helps if you get really lucky and land a sweet gig as a neurotic psychiatrist because you can milk that role for the rest of your life!” He then bellowed an evil sonorous laugh and mumbled something about a meeting with Sideshow Bob.

 

~ From Marine gunnery sergeant to Roman Catholic nun -- that's the life story of Sister Mary Perrot.

Sister Mary retired from the Marine Corps in 1999 after 20 years of service and entered the order of the Ursuline Sisters of the Immaculate Conception shortly afterwards.

Sister Sergeant Mary explained that the transisiton was a natural one for her. Our interview was then interrupted as a sinner approached her for forgiveness. Sister Sergeant barked, “Get on the ground and give me twenty! Twenty Hail Mary’s and 15 laps around the Church—double-time soldier!”

 

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~ Brazilian students protesting sleaze in politics have decided that their bare bottoms makes the point best.

Demonstrators started the latest trend of clearly showing corrupt legislators what they think of them during a wave of protests outside Congress this week by lining up and dropping their pants together.

The corrupt politicians responded by doing what they do best—getting behind the bare-assed protesters. Shouted one thrusting politician, “So you think we stiffed you BEFORE?!”

The violated protester was unfazed and shot back, “No, before I thought we were getting the short end of the stick. Now I KNOW we are!”

The pumping politician quipped, “Now you’re REALLY getting a raw deal!”

The sophomoric innuendo and anal sex continued well into the night.

 

A swan beat my ass!~  A 71 year old woman whose wrist was broken after a swan knocked her to the ground and battered her in a Dublin park has lost a $32,000 injury action against the state.

Argued the state’s attorney, QUOTE: “The state cannot be held liable for an accident. Maybe it was just her time to sing her dying swan song. Get it? Her SWAN SONG? She was injured by a swan? You people are no fun.”

In related news, FOX has begun taping of a new special, “WHEN FLUFFY BIRDS ATTACK!”

 

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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