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Complete Comedy Coverage of Space Shuttle Columbia Catastrophe. Rebuild Columbia as world's tallest space shuttle . . .

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I'm Theodore, your openly gay newscaster!


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02/07/2003

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by the Government of North Korea.

"Hey, what do we have to do get America's attention?!! We have nukes! We're gonna use 'em! Look at me! I'm juggling weapons of mass destruction! C'mon now! I can't believe I have to buy ads to get my message in front of the American people... "

*** COMPLETE COMEDIC COLUMBIA CATASTROPHE COVERAGE ***

 

~ Shortages of key experts, tight budgets and mounting safety concerns all plagued the nation's space program in recent years, according to a trail of reports by congressional auditors, outside panels and NASA retirees as investigators search for clues to the cause of the Columbia tragedy.

With a more generous budget, the Columbia would not have even been in regular use. 

“A 22 year old vehicle with well over 170,000,000 miles on the odometer – that baby should have been parked on cement blocks on my lawn – ain’t no way that old clunker shoulda been out on the road” noted Dr. Jonathan R. Williams, shuttle payload specialist, as he adjusted his mesh “NASER” hat to sit a little higher on his head.

Despite their claims of great customer service, State Farm Insurance still has not provided NASA with a temporary means of transportation, nor have they sent out an adjuster to review the scene of the accident.

But what they have done is increased NASA’s premium by 400%. Explained a State Farm customer representative,
“First of all, this Ilan Ramon from Israel, was not even listed on our records. We have to be made aware of these things. Plus, this is their second accident in 17 years. Both of which we can’t recover any losses from. I mean, if they were hit in an intersection by a Russian satellite or something – maybe we could try to determine fault and at least get back the deductible.”

NASA officials are said to be researching an inexpensive alternative. “We’ve been on Geico’s site. But those bastards quoted us one price, but then when we were about to enter our credit card number, the price nearly doubled!” 


ABOVE: Parents are encouraged to have their children ride the rocking sheep and elephants while space shuttle rocking rides are under  investigation. 

The NASA spokewoman continued, “I have this aunt who lives in West Virginia. So I’ve been thinking about trying to register Atlantis and Endeavor there instead of Texas because the rates are so much lower.”

Americans are dealing with yet another tragic loss. A recent HogWild News poll illustrates people’s feelings on the Columbia disaster. We asked, 

“What Should we do Now?”

* 29% Rebuild Columbia exactly as it was – to show our strength in the face of unavoidable and calculated risk.

* 67% Build a new Columbia – but make it the tallest space shuttle ever.

* 3% Out of respect to the heroes of February 1st, there should be no new space missions. Any exploration of space or attempt at scientific discovery is an insult to those whose gave their lives for freedom. The state of Texas should be made into an eternal memorial. The population should be relocated to make way for a Lawn of Heroes, a reflecting pool, and a 160,000,000 acre museum commemorating the uniqueness of each of our fallen angels.

* Note: there is a margin of error of +/- 0.00000% for this fictional poll. 

~ Nearly 250 passengers and crew of the Sun Princess came down with a gastrointestinal 
illness
during the cruise ship's voyage from Los Angeles to Hawaii, Princess Cruises said. 

Symptoms included diarrhea, stomach pain and vomiting

Investigators have narrowed the cause to either the Norwalk virus or any one of over 2,033 prescription drugs advertised on T.V.

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~  The U.S. economy slowed to a crawl in the final months of 2002 as consumer spending rose at the weakest pace in nearly a decade and businesses avoided building inventories. 

In fact, the job market and Iraqi tensions have not been this bad since Original Bush™ was in office. New Bush™, though marketed for mass appeal, appears to have the same exact flavor just in slightly more attractive packaging.

The last time around, we needed a Clinton to bail us out of trouble. Perhaps, again after one term, a Clinton will come to the rescue. 



By 2004, Chelsea Clinton will have similar credentials as George W. when he ran for office. Both graduated from Ivy League schools. Both have powerful families. Chelsea however, will lack the key experiences of running a major league baseball team into the ground, snorting coke, getting arrested for DUI, and pretending to improve students’ state test scores by lowering academic standards

If she is nominated, there will be pressure to live up to the expectations set by her father. 

Will she be able to maintain an unprecedented 8 consecutive years of interesting scandals?

Americans expect a Clinton White House to be full of intrigue and tension, as well as wealthy Chinese campaign contributors.

~ The new version of TurboTax, the No. 1 tax-prep software, includes controls that keep it from being illegally copied -- but also upset users. 

TurboTax CEO, Tariff Hike, explained, “We know our customers. They are lying, cheating, scumbags always looking for a way to beat the system. We make it easier for them to evade Uncle Sam with our software, but no way are these slugs going to stiff us of OUR due!”
~ Rock stars squared off with the nation's largest radio station company at a Senate hearing, accusing it of crippling rival concert promoters, accepting fees to play songs and helping turn the radio dial into a bland stew. 

But Lowry Mays, CEO of Clear Channel Communications, which owns 1,230 radio stations, says the radio industry “is in a Golden Age [of profits].”

“Our listeners in Peoria are comforted knowing that they are listening to the exact same 12 songs that customers are enjoying in Dayton. In fact, they both get to listen to the same DJ! And despite one market being in the Eastern zone, and the other Central, they even get the same time and weather reports!”
- A couple is suing the franchisee of a McDonald's restaurant, claiming an improperly prepared bagel damaged the husband's teeth and their marriage. 

John and Cecelia O'Hare sued for more than $15,000. They alleged the McDonald's was negligent and violated an "implied warranty that the food sold was reasonably fit for human consumption." 

The damage to Mr. O’Hare’s teeth is relatively easy to substantiate, but the case that this damaged the couple’s marriage will be more difficult to prove in court.

Explained Mrs. O’Hare, “My husband ain’t no good to me wiffout his toofers. He look like one uh them jack-o-lanterns. Now, how am I supposed to be seen at the Demo Derby with his face lookin’ all like a doorway mail slot. We gotta image to maintain in er community. That there bagel wadn’t no bagel, it was a vacuum. A vacuum that sucked out my husband’s soul. Now that gotta be wurt somethin’ in curt.”
- MTV came under fire from Indian officials offended by Clone High's cartoon 
version of Gandhi, a high schooler purportedly cloned from the assassinated Mohandas Gandhi, who goes by the nicknames G-Man, and DNA Dan. 

He also has an affinity for dangly earrings, rap music, junk food and "being the ultimate party animal." 

Politicians and activists gathered together at Gandhi's memorial in New Delhi, where they staged a fast to protest Clone High. 

MTV networks issued a formal apology, along with a gift of 20,000 Beavis & Butthead t-shirts from storage.

Explained MTV’s public relations assistant, “Dude, we’re like so sorry. I didn’t even know those people HAD T.V.’s. I guess freedom of speech has its severe limits. It’s like, a global world now. Yeah dude, it’s like the whole planet is one big episode of “The Real World” where we have to learn to live together. 

So like, Gandhi, if you can hear me. I’m so totally sorry. I won’t borrow your clothes without asking and I told you man, I was nasty-drunk when I said that stuff about your girl. And next time you go on a hunger strike, I won’t tease you with those juicy carrot sticks. Promise, dude. Promise.”

The executive then pounded his heart with his fist, kissed two fingers, and raised the peace sign.

- The Stanley Cup is missing. Not the real one, but a replica made from 6,000 Lego bricks. 

Authorities suspect every member of the pathetic, last-place, New York Rangers.

Noted NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, “Even with no security – an open net the Rangers can not escape with a victory. The league is reviewing the incident and building a large penalty box built entirely of Lincoln Logs.”
- At-work instant messaging addicts beware:

Web security firm Blue Coat Systems is preparing an application that can monitor, log, and manage employees' consumer IM use.

Peter Yu, president of TEJ Computers, is a fan of the software.

“Finally! I’ve been reading employee e-mails, scanning their hard drives, and rummaging through their wallets for years. Now my personal surveillance will be complete. It used to be I would quietly pick up their phone extension as they spoke to their wives. Now I can also read – in real time – their on-line conversations!”

Yu continued ranting, “This tool, along with their knowledge that I have their entire credit histories from their employment applications, will make my employees that much more productive, freeing me up to spend more time researching their family’s medical histories.”

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its re-telecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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