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Complete Comedy Coverage of Space Shuttle Columbia Catastrophe. Rebuild Columbia as world's tallest space shuttle . . .
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*** COMPLETE COMEDIC COLUMBIA CATASTROPHE COVERAGE ***
Shortages of key experts,
tight budgets and mounting safety concerns all plagued the nation's space program in recent years, according to a trail of reports by congressional auditors, outside panels and NASA retirees as investigators
search for clues to the cause of the Columbia tragedy.
22 year old vehicle with well over 170,000,000 miles on the odometer – that baby should have been parked on
cement blocks on my lawn – ain’t no way that old clunker shoulda been out on the road”
noted Dr. Jonathan R. Williams,
shuttle payload specialist, as he adjusted his mesh “NASER” hat to sit a little higher on his head.
ABOVE: Parents are encouraged to have their children ride the rocking sheep and elephants while space shuttle rocking rides are under investigation.
The NASA spokewoman continued,
“I have this aunt who lives in West Virginia. So I’ve been thinking about trying to
register Atlantis and Endeavor there instead of Texas because the
rates are so much lower.”
“What Should we do Now?”
* 29% Rebuild Columbia exactly as it was – to show our strength in the face of unavoidable and calculated risk.
~ Nearly 250 passengers and crew of the Sun Princess came down with a
illness during the cruise ship's voyage from Los Angeles to Hawaii, Princess Cruises said.
Symptoms included diarrhea, stomach pain and vomiting.
Investigators have narrowed the cause to either the Norwalk virus or any one of over 2,033 prescription drugs advertised on T.V.
The U.S. economy slowed to a crawl in the final months of 2002 as consumer spending rose at the
weakest pace in nearly a decade and businesses avoided building inventories.
In fact, the job market and Iraqi tensions have not been this bad since
Original Bush™ was in office. New Bush™, though marketed for
mass appeal, appears to have the same exact flavor just in slightly more
~ The new version of TurboTax, the No. 1 tax-prep software, includes controls that keep it from being
illegally copied -- but also upset users.
TurboTax CEO, Tariff Hike, explained, “We know our customers. They are lying, cheating, scumbags always looking for a way to beat the system. We make it easier for them to evade Uncle Sam with our software, but no way are these slugs going to stiff us of OUR due!”
Rock stars squared off with the nation's largest radio station company
at a Senate hearing, accusing it of crippling rival concert promoters, accepting fees to play songs and helping turn the radio dial into a bland stew.
But Lowry Mays, CEO of Clear Channel Communications, which owns 1,230 radio stations, says the radio industry “is in a Golden Age [of profits].”
“Our listeners in Peoria are comforted knowing that they are listening to the exact same 12 songs that customers are enjoying in Dayton. In fact, they both get to listen to the same DJ! And despite one market being in the Eastern zone, and the other Central, they even get the same time and weather reports!”
- A couple is
suing the franchisee of a McDonald's restaurant, claiming an improperly prepared
bagel damaged the husband's teeth and their marriage.
John and Cecelia O'Hare sued for more than $15,000. They alleged the McDonald's was negligent and violated an "implied warranty that the food sold was reasonably fit for human consumption."
The damage to Mr. O’Hare’s teeth is relatively easy to substantiate, but the case that this damaged the couple’s marriage will be more difficult to prove in court.
Explained Mrs. O’Hare, “My husband ain’t no good to me wiffout his toofers. He look like one uh them jack-o-lanterns. Now, how am I supposed to be seen at the Demo Derby with his face lookin’ all like a doorway mail slot. We gotta image to maintain in er community. That there bagel wadn’t no bagel, it was a vacuum. A vacuum that sucked out my husband’s soul. Now that gotta be wurt somethin’ in curt.”
MTV came under fire from Indian officials offended by Clone High's cartoon
version of Gandhi, a high schooler purportedly cloned from the assassinated Mohandas Gandhi, who goes by the nicknames G-Man, and DNA Dan.
He also has an affinity for dangly earrings, rap music, junk food and "being the ultimate party animal."
Politicians and activists gathered together at Gandhi's memorial in New Delhi, where they staged a fast to protest Clone High.
MTV networks issued a formal apology, along with a gift of 20,000 Beavis & Butthead t-shirts from storage.
Explained MTV’s public relations assistant, “Dude, we’re like so sorry. I didn’t even know those people HAD T.V.’s. I guess freedom of speech has its severe limits. It’s like, a global world now. Yeah dude, it’s like the whole planet is one big episode of “The Real World” where we have to learn to live together.
So like, Gandhi, if you can hear me. I’m so totally
sorry. I won’t borrow your clothes without asking and I told you man, I was
nasty-drunk when I said that stuff about your girl. And next time you go on a
hunger strike, I won’t tease you with those juicy carrot sticks. Promise, dude.
Stanley Cup is missing. Not the real one, but a replica made from 6,000 Lego bricks.
Authorities suspect every member of the pathetic, last-place, New York Rangers.
Noted NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, “Even with no security – an open net – the Rangers can not escape with a victory. The league is reviewing the incident and building a large penalty box built entirely of Lincoln Logs.”
- At-work instant messaging addicts beware:
Web security firm Blue Coat Systems is preparing an application that can
monitor, log, and manage employees' consumer IM use.
News Network International has been compiled from various sources
including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings,
Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its re-telecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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