02/18/2003

HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by The Bush Tax Plan™. It's backed by 10 Nobel Prize Winning Economists who have called the proposal: 

"Exactly what the nation does ... need"

"A ... idea"

"Investment tax credits and accelerated depreciation for equipment are favored by PhD's in economics. So what the [expletive deleted] is the President thinking?" 

~ Secretary of State Colin Powell said Iraq must remain under the threat of force as a last resort if it does not comply with Security Council demands that it give up weapons of mass destruction.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

U.N. Weapons Inspectors.

Oh, just a minute. You’ll have to excuse me. The palace is a mess since the servants were gassed. Uh, here. Read this 135,000 page document while I tidy up.

Mr. Hussein, please, we are on a tight deadline to write an inconclusive report.

Uh, how can I buy some time? 

You can buy the French.

Consider it done! How much?

Nothing. Just promise them you won’t invade their country.

Okay, whatever. But Poland is still up for grabs, right?

Well, you have already bought the Germans. So yes. Blitkrieg!

~ Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge sought to calm jittery Americans, saying they should be vigilant but there was no need "to start sealing the doors or windows" against terrorist threats. 

After many people spent a week stocking up on duct tape and watched anti-aircraft missile launchers set up around their national capital, Ridge said preparation, not panic, is in order. 

In an official statement Mr. Ridge announced, “We are in Code Orange. But you should remain Code Blue Calm. Keep an Indigo Eye out for suspicious activity. But there is no need for Code Purple Panic. We have intercepted very specific general threats to major targets in the U.S. 

I can share three of these important intelligence intercepts with you. 

1. From Osama bin Laden to an Al Qaeda lieutenant in Iraq: “I do not like those Americans.”

2. A Saddam Hussein document titled, “Operation Evil Eye.” All our Arab brothers are strongly encouraged to narrow their eyes when looking at – or even speaking about – Americans.

3. From a private email: “We must target New York. They are a huge threat – not only to us – but to the rest of the league. We need to attack their bullpen.” -- Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein.

ABOVE: George Steinbrenner, lead operative of the New York Yankees, a well-funded terrorist organization with recruits from all over the world, namely Japan, Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Dominican Republic. They will do "whatever it takes" to topple Anaheim, Boston, and Oakland -- even if it means charging 8 dollars for a hot dog at the ball park.   

Ridge continued, “The Warning System is to alert Americans to potential danger. It is certainly not tied to election politics or my equity in 3M® – the #1 manufacturer of high-quality Duct Tape.”

~ Massive sumo wrestlers are being mobilized to fight rising crime in Japan. 

About 10 wrestlers began nightly patrols in their neighborhood, hoping their bulk would deter would-be crooks. 

So far, results have been mixed. 

Many of the 400 pound sumo wrestlers were unsuccessful in their attempts to chase down purse-snatchers leading some to complain of serious diaper chafing.

~ NBC is looking for a few good moms to marry off. 

The network will launch a new reality series, "Who Wants to Marry My Mom?," in a five-episode installment this spring. 

Already, the network is planning celebrity editions of the show. Sadly, there were no auditions for the episode featuring the mom of Melissa Rivers.

FOX naturally will put its own spin on the show, featuring only very sexy older ladies. It’s calling its version, “Who Wants to Marry a MILF?”

~ For more than a decade, Cancun, Mexico, has been party central for America’s raucous spring breakers. But this year, the drink-till-you-drop college crowd will find less-indulgent hosts. 

A majority of the Caribbean resort's hotels, bars and clubs that cater to the student trade have signed a ''civility agreement'' to enforce laws that in past years often were ignored. 

Among them are bans on underage drinking and public nudity.

The ban does not affect R. Kelly’s plans of public drinking and underage nudity.

But other Spring Breakers are outraged. 

“It is our God-given right to stampede into foreign countries to do things that would get us arrested back home. Dude, I mean, then what the hell is the point of HAVING Mexico if they’re just gonna have the same rules as the U.S.?,” argued Scott Schechter, a third year student at Harvard Law.

Lisa Nipps, a 4th year, undecided major at Arizona State University also voiced her displeasure. “Mexico isn’t even all that! You can’t drink the water. The place is dirty. And it’s full of Mexicans that don’t even speak English! This year I just may take my wet t-shirt, thong-dancing, and unprotected sex elsewhere!”

Privately, Mexican officials are very concerned as these are the three cornerstones of their nation’s economy.

President Bush may not be able to empathize with people struggling with the current job market. He may not be able to understand why people would be against a war. But he DOES have a great compassion for displaced partiers.

To this end, he has asked Congress to ratify the “Office of Homeland Revelry.” Small coastal portions in various states will declared “lawless” for the month of March. During this time, residents are strongly advised to reside elsewhere -- like with their aunt in Cleveland. 

Under the Bush Party Plan, laws that will be strictly unenforced include:

* The drinking age
* The pot smoking age
* Public nudity (Except dongs. No dongs at any time.)
* Urination. When you’re an Army of One, then Urination.
* Screaming “Duuuuude! I’m so f^&%ed up right now!!” at any hour of the night or morning or day.

But consumers should also be aware that this lawlessness extends to producers as well.

* The FDA will utilize a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for taco meat
* You may be jailed by local police for resisting to pay them
* 1 in 20 customers of Tony’s Tattoo Hut will rub off their tattoo in the morning to find the message, “Congratulations! You’ve got HIV!”
* Your relatives will have no legal recourse once you are hit in the face with a brick, dragged into a windowless van, and then discarded on the side of the road.

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its re-telecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns. 

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