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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL
HogWild News is a fictionalized account of actual news. So like duh, the quotes are made up.
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by the major motion picture release of "Daddy Day Care" starring the world's once funniest human, Eddie Murphy, who should go play for the Wizards for 2 years, then retire. The man has lost it. He's gone soft. Bernie Mac, if you're out there, please kick Eddie's ass.
Effective immediately, the Nation's Terror Alert is raised from
"High" to "Get High."
At all bridges and tunnels, the NYPD will pass out free bud to everyone so they can calm the F down.
~ U.S. diplomats said more attacks in Saudi Arabia were "imminent."
A Saudi official said investigators believed 50 hard-core Muslim militants
were ready to volunteer for suicide strikes like the ones that targeted
Westerners in the capital.
HogWild News has obtained an actual suicide note from a suicide bomber:
To my wife Ameena, my daughter Dilkash, and my baby son Aziz:
I am writing to say goodbye. Today I will become a hero for our people in our intifadah against the evil Western powers. I am happy to give my life in the name of Allah. Allah will spread word of my sacrifice even farther than this C4 strapped to my stomach will spread my finger, toes, and gall bladder.
Ameena, I know I have not provided for you as I should. I could purchase you just 1 burqa and our only goat had arthritis. But at least now you will know that your husband is a true man -- because even though I will kill myself along with innocent women and children in a Riyadh shopping center this Sunday afternoon, I will not leave you to raise our children alone. Allah will help you.
Sure, odds are Allah will not help you in any tangible way. But He will reward me with 17 beautiful virgin brides in Heaven. This must make you feel good.
At my funeral, if at all possible, please gather my eyeballs and place them back in any part of my skull that remains. Thank you sweet heart.
P.S. I forgot to pick up your dry cleaning.
~ A new study reveals that testosterone levels
actually rise in sports fans
when their teams win.
In related news, fans of the pathetic New York Mets have the smallest testicles in the league.
~ Many New York City families in financial difficulty are coping by pulling
their kids out of fancy public schools in favor of an on-the-job
~ White House press secretary
Ari Fleischer, the public face of the
Bush administration through two wars and a terrorist attack, said he will
resign in July to enter the private sector.
After Fleischer broke the news to the President, Mr. Bush ended the
conversation by kissing his press secretary on the head.
~ Two studies show remarkable declines in the concentration of poverty in urban slums.
President Bush alone, poverty has moved out of urban areas
and spread more evenly into the suburbs and working-class neighborhoods.
In New York, things have gotten so bad,
white people are now
begging on subways. Queens resident Nancy Silverman is beating the poor job
market by using her MBA to market small electronics and double-A batteries
on the N train.
~ Toys "R" Us, the country's No. 2 toy retailer reported a
net loss of $7 million this quarter.
To turn things around, they have created a
new TV commercial
campaign targeted to kids of today’s financially-strapped parents.
The ads feature cute children saying the following phrases to their
sucks. Toys Rule.”
“Mortgage payments are boring. Mario Sunshine for Gameboy is
Shortcake says if you want her to put you in a nice nursing home
when you're older, she needs you to put her in the Berry Happy
Strawberry Shortcake Playhouse (accessories not included) NOW!
~ The most hyped high school athlete in HISTORY, LeBron James, has just inked a sneaker endorsement deal worth over 90 MILLION DOLLARS before he's even graduated.
By age 18, LeBron has played on National Television and become a multi-millionaire. Those high school years can be SO awkward.
LeBron is learning to deal with his fame and fortune. Girls are asking HIM to the prom. Including girls who don't even go to his school, namely Halle Berry and National Security Advisor, Condoleeza Rice.
It hasn't been all slam dunks for young LeBron though. Just yesterday, he was assigned after-school detention. He had to write 1000 times:
"To my favorite teacher, Mr. Kahn. Signed #23, LeBron James" on basketballs, jerseys, and eventually Mr. Kahn's breasts.
News Network International has been compiled from various sources
including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings,
Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its re-telecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
Comedy EVERY DAY.
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