Paris Hilton writes to
I don't know if this is in the spirit of the season, but the only gift I
want: for you to murder Nicole Richie, tie a red bow around her
and stuff her anorexic corpse in my stocking. Thank you kindly.
Lip-sync loser Ashlee Simpson
didn't actually "write" a letter to Santa but she "traced"
the words someone else wrote.
Merry Christmas quiz:
Who lives in a secluded estate filled with toys? Whose love
of children compels him to travel around the globe? Who gives
gifts to “good little boys” who keep quiet?
Kate Moss writes:
Dear Santa Claus,
This year I'm dreaming of a White Christmas. Wink. Wink.
Listen, I'm sorry I killed Frosty by stealing his pipe and smoking
him... I just couldn't resist all that white powder!
Tom Cruise writes to Santa:
Thank you for answering last year's letter! Katie is great and the press
totally thinks I'm not gay anymore.
P.S. Obviously as a grown man, I really don't believe in a myth like
Santa Claus-- besides Scientology teaches us that the
Grays made a level 8 Thetan psychic engram into Beingness.
Donald Rumsfeld writes to
The only thing I need this year is peace on earth. Heh. No seriously,
I'd like an I-Pod
50 Cent writes to Santa:
I love you Santa! But why ain't you come to MY crib? I baked you
cookies! And cake! And crack! Whatever you into, man.
Mariah Carey writes to Santa:
I love you Santa Claus!!
This year, like every year, I want a pony! Also, a glitter-covered
unicorn that I can ride from the magic mushroom fairy circle to my
top-40 cloud castle!!
Shakira writes to Santa:
In my country, Columbians know you as Papá Noel. You ride into town on a
magical talking burro serenading all good children with lively
songs from your guitarra-- bad children of course, are abducted and
ransomed to leftist guerillas for Fiesta de Año Viejo.
While our traditions are different, please Santa de Claus, helps me move
this kilo of blow before Christmas. Those post-holiday
discounts are killing business.
Green Day writes to Santa:
Dear St. Nicholas,
More like St. Suck-on-this!
Enclosed you'll find a picture of us giving you the finger. Stick it
up your smoke stack! We're not playing your reindeer games anymore,
P.S. That was for our fans. Listen, we're like, old now. Our real wish
list is for a sound retirement plan, diapers for the babies, and a new
Pamela Anderson writes to Santa:
Dear Santa, I'd like new, even BIGGER Jingle Bells this year!
Nick Lachey writes to Santa:
Dear Santa, I'd like a new hot, dumb blonde for Christmas. Hilary Duff
is legal now, right?
Bill Gates writes to Santa:
Subject: I've been a good boy
Dear Santa, I'm sorry I bought your company last year and outsourced all
those jobs to elves in India. I will make it up to
you, if you would simply:
1 - Destroy Google
2 - Destroy Firefox
3 - Get Jessica Simpson to perform an X-Box 360 on my face.
4 - I will need new glasses after #3.
President Bush writes to Santa:
I only want one thing for Christmas: a new approval rating.
Mid-60% would be pretty nice-- I believe in magic. And please make gay
people not do gay things. And make the Muslims less Muslim-y. Maybe this
year give them a falafel pan or something, instead of just bombs.
P.S. Thank you for dying for our sins.
Kanye West comments:
Santa Claus... Doesn't care... About black people. Why do you think
white kids keep getting better presents?