Pamela Anderson: What should I cook for our holiday dinner?
Santa: Nothing! you already have 2 juicy Christmas hams... in your shirt!

Desperate for money and for young boys to sit on his lap, Michael Jackson applies to be a Mall Santa.

Jennifer Aniston's Christmas wish list:
1 - Angelina dies
2 - Brad comes back to me
3 - no one sees those topless photos of me sun tanning my sad little saggy fried egg t!tties

Paris Hilton: I love Christmas! The presents, the parties... sexy Santa spilling his eggnog on my face.

Pamela Anderson: Okay kids, time to decorate the tree! Santa will be impressed with our pretty tinsel and blinking lights!
Santa: To hell with THAT, look at those huge Christmas ornaments... in your shirt!

Where are Celebrities shopping for Christmas online?
Lindsay Lohan is doing all her shopping on Amazon.com, buying 30,000 copies of her latest CD. This raises her CD sales total to 30,000 CDs.

Where are Celebrities shopping for Christmas online?
Bill Gates shops on his own super-fast special secret Internet. What? You never heard of it? Exactly.

Where are Celebrities shopping for Christmas online?
Eminem doesn't shop online because he grew up on the wrong side of the Internet. Full of broken home pages, broken links, and broken dreams. His baby mama screamin' out the project pop-up window.

Where are Celebrities shopping for Christmas online?
Rolling Stones Mick Jagger: What the hell is the internet? I'm too old for this crap. To be honest, when you said "Broadband," the first thing I thought of was The Dixie Chicks.

13 Year Olds believe Pro Wrestling, not Santa
If you want a 13 year old to still believe in Santa Claus, tell him Santa looks like John Cena -- 280 pounds of oiled-up muscles -- who brings nice children presents and smacks naughty kids in the face with folding chairs.