* Congressman John Boehner elected as New House majority leader. The men in charge of the country are named Bush, Dick, and Boehner. And we wonder why we're getting screwed?

* Groundhog Sees His Shadow Sweating. 6 More Weeks of Global Warming.

* FILM SUMMARY: Annapolis. The Naval Academy is the nation’s most elite institution: 50,000 eager recruits apply, but only 1,200 get to enter… much like Paris Hilton’s vagina.

* MOVIE REVIEW: FANTASTIC BORE. Jessica Alba stars as a scientist mutated by cosmic rays, giving her the power to be invisible. This is boring.

More Exciting Version: Jessica Alba stars as a scientist mutated by cosmic rays, turning her clothing invisible.

* Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expecting. Fortunately, a childless couple from a Haitian fishing village has announced they'll be adopting the American infant.