hoglogo4.jpg (15541 bytes)HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL

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03/09/99

 

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by me, Theodore, your upstanding, openly homosexual newscaster.

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@~After deliberating for seven hours, a military jury decided that Captain Richard Ashby was not responsible for last year's tragedy in the Italian Alps, when Ashby's jet sliced a ski gondola cable and sent 20 European skiers crashing to their death.

The jury decided to accept his concise yet contrite defense statement that read QUOTE: "oops."

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@~The experimental drug rivastigmine can slow Alzheimer's disease in some patients. The drug improved patients’ memory and the ability to perform basic tasks.

Former President Ronald Reagan responded to the report by saying that he wished the new drug was available while he was in office—then he would have remembered what he was supposed to be doing, and also would have been able to perform basic tasks such as not allowing his administration to illegally sell arms to Iran to secretly support the Contra rebels in Nicaragua.

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@~A man who stole smelly shoes because he was addicted to their odor was sentenced to 25 weeks in jail by a Singapore court.

In related news, when the man stole Hog-Wild’s shoes he had to be hospitalized for an overdose, and third-degree burns throughout the insides of his nostrils.

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Men's magazine Playboy, which carries nude pictures of Brazilian sex symbol and dominatrix Tiazinha in its March edition, said it was rushing the issue to Brazilian newsstands three days early after some of the pictures were leaked on the Internet.

Tiazinha will pose naked for the first time, even discarding her trademark mask and riding crop in some photos.

In related news, sportscaster Marv Albert will also appear naked in the magazine of the first time, except he WILL be posing with his handcuffs, panties, and riding whip.

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A Florida jury found a former funeral home director guilty of abusing a human body after she cut the hand from a corpse as part of a voodoo ritual.

The funeral director defended herself by saying she was only borrowing the hand and that she was going to rewind and return it within the usual 3 days.

She apologized, complaining the Bodybuster was all out of hands and that Ida Greenblatt wasn't using her's anyway since you can't shop or play bingo when you're dead.

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An astonished German war veteran was handed back his army identification booklet by the enemy soldier who took it instead of shooting him in the final days of World War Two.

The document was handed back to German by the man who spared his life in a tense encounter in 1945 after the German soldier broke into tears, speaking of his children.

When he gave back his i.d., the man asked if he could meet the German man's children. The German man laughed and confessed that it was all a lie. The 80 year old German man then did a heil Hitler, grabbed the other man's face, put it to his exposed wrinkled buttocks and shouted "Welcome to my gas chamber."

He then sped off in his trendy Volkswagon Wheelchair Beetle.

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@~A sex scandal erupted in Mexico when a male high court judge and a female public security official were allegedly caught having sex in a parked car.

The judge denied the allegations, saying that it looked worse than it was—that he was REALLY only trying to break the young woman’s pinata.

Police however, were not impressed with his story, and they confiscated the used sombrero as evidence.

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A postman is refusing to deliver mail to a Welsh village after being terrorized by a pheasant. The bird flapped his wings and chased the postman on his rounds.

As revenge, the mailman, tired of being attacked by birds, dogs, and other pets has decided to return to his delivery route, except this time he will be accompanied by Stella the Sabertooth Tiger. Stella, half-reconstructed prehistoric animal, half cyborg equipped with ground-to-air missiles is expected to be able to defend the postman. When asked if he was insane, the mailman replied QUOTE: "No, not relative to my co-workers anyway. I've never sprayed a crowd with an AK or anything-- I've only got a robotic 400 pound sabertooth tiger."

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@~Makers of Vanish, the stain remover, could not resist the chance to advertise in the first interview Monica Crude-insky has ever given to British television.

Spew-insky has become one of Britain' favorite trumpet-tootling crumpet-cuties. The stain-remover boasted in its commercial that it could remove ANY stain, be it grease, lard, bbq sauce, tobacco, overweight fast-food eating sperm or ANYTHING ELSE that is contained in the Presiden't semen.

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Grave robbers have stolen the remains of the father of South Korea's Lotte Group chairman and demanded more than $650,000 for their return.

Thieves telephoned the office of Chairman and told him to check on the grave of his father.

We go to the man who takes his listeners’ brains hostage, threatens to beat them to death with stupidity, and returns them only for a ransom of bbq wings and generic orange soda-- Hog-Wild:

HOG: Attention all would-be kidnappers-- you can get more money if you actually kidnap the person while THEY ARE ALIVE!! Yeah, if you steal my dad's remains from the grave it would be somewhat disturbing. But demanding payment for his decaying body is like stealing my car after it's already been totalled.

Please do not pay this guy. It will no doubt start a disturbing trend. I don't want to have to buy "the club" for my grave. When I leave my grandpa's gravesite, I don't want to have to press a light on my keychain and go "boop,boop" to pretend like I've installed an alarm. "Back away from the tombstone. Coffin-door is ajar." I don't want to have to have them inscribe on my headstone, "No radio."

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A California researcher perusing an archive drawer of miscellaneous documents has come across a 400-year-old horoscope written by one of history's greatest astronomers, Johannes Kepler.

Hog-Wild news has secured some of the horoscopes

Leo: life will take a turn for the worse when they find out that the Earth isn’t the center of the Universe. Beware of Catholics of all zodiac signs as they will kill anyone who disagrees with the Church.

Taurus-- your moon says to avoid anyone in the houses of Sagitarius, Aquarius, Cancer, Gemini, Libra, Aries, Virgo, Scorpio, Capricorn, or Pisces—they will soon get the Plague. It is suggested you stay at home for the next 50 years or so.

Aries of the Dark Continent: Times are changing. Your leaders are trifling. Beware of Leo, especially if he is the White Devil and offers you an all-expense-paid cruise to the New World.

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@~Police in Brazil have arrested the leader of a religious sect after the jammees of three of his followers were chopped off, apparently in an initiation ceremony. The severings were rapidly performed with a kitchen cleaver.

In related news, Lorena Bobbit has found a new career that involves a black executioner’s robe, a miniature guillotine, and a simple existence in the hills of Brazil.

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@~ According to a new survey, 29% of Americans have looked to the Internet for medical information.

In related news, this percentage is only accurate when you take into account that the "penis-pump" and "photographic results of major silicone transport to the female chest" are also considered medical information.

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A court in the former Soviet republic of Kyrgyzstan sentenced a man to death for murdering and dismembering one of his tenants and his girlfriend before eating their flesh.

Life in prison was changed to the death penalty because on top of the atrocity of cannibalism, the murderous landlord placed ads in the local apartment guides describing the residence as providing "all you can eat breakfast buffets."

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Researchers say elderly people who own pets are more active than those who do not, suggesting that pet ownership has positive effects on physical well-being.

Conversely, it has NEGATIVE effects on the old peoples’ MENTAL well-being. There is absolutely nothing sane about a 92 year old woman attempting to breast-feed her new litter of finches. Similarly, replacing the pictures of her grandchildren with those of her grand-kittens, is also demented.

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According to researchers, lead exposure may increase a woman's risk of developing high blood pressure.

High blood pressure in women is also caused by husbands who enjoy not only leaving the seat up, but also laying down a layer of rubber-cement to the bowl. Blood pressure is reported to get even HIGHER when the husband takes pictures and posts them to his favorite website: www.look-at-the-evil-thing-I-did-to-my-wife.com

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@~The higher mortality rates seen in black persons compared with whites between the ages of 65 to 80 reverse after the age of 80.

Blacks over age 80 had a 25% lower overall mortality rates, and almost a 60% lower risk of death from coronary heart disease than whites.

This is because it is survival of the fittest in the black community. Any man who lives to 80 has already survived violence in his community, poor enforcement of health standards, racial bigotry, and 25 years of Bill Cosby. If this hasn’t killed him, nothing will. The only thing that could give him a heart attack now is watching the hot bims shake their booties in the Soul Train dance contest.

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@~Women with learning disorders are less likely than other women to receive regular pelvic examinations and Pap smears.

This can be attributed to the fact that women with learning disorders are continually tricked into thinking that pelvic examinations can be performed by their trusted local bus driver on the back seats during his lunch break.

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Alaska's medical marijuana law went into effect, making it the sixth state to allow patients to smoke marijuana for medical purposes.

Many Alaskans are already abusing the law by going outside underdressed in hopes of acquiring frostbite, and then getting a prescription of a hot doobie that they should blaze up in order to recover.

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@~The German government reaction to the execution of German citizen Walter LaGrand was unequivocal -- but it came too late.

"It is not okay" that the U.S. breaks international law, said Hertha

Daubler-Gmelin, minister of justice. She expressed the dominant mood in Germany on the day after the second of two German brothers was executed in a gas chamber in Arizona.

In related news, American-Jews responded to Germany’s outrage by mailing a scorecard that read: "we’re on the comeback trail, but you’re still winning, 6,000,000 to 2.

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@~Amnesty International released a scathing report that said sexual abuse and mistreatment of female inmates is rampant in U.S. prisons.

The report, entitled "Not part of my sentence," claims that male guards routinely violate female inmates' human rights in American jails, in ways ranging from rape to watching women while they are naked and groping them during body searches.

One male prison guard was shocked by the report, remarking that he thought rape, sodomy, and molestation of inmates was part of his benefits packages. He said QUOTE: "I thought my 401K plan meant I got to feel up 401 prisoners. They should really explain these things better. Next thing you know they’ll tell us that our night-sticks were not meant to be used as sex-toys.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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