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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild news network international is brought to you by F.I.A.W.S.K.T.A.—the foundation of ignorant Americans who say kill them all—now focusing on Bosnia. We don’t know who’s right or who’s wrong—so just keep bombing them until those little bitches shut up—co-sponsored by the Foundation of Americans who Beat their Wives.

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A concert-goer to an Everclear show injured in November 1997 has verbally agreed to settle her lawsuit for $1.2 million. The young woman had sued the night club, the band and the 2 stage-diving New England Patriots football players.

The band and nightclub were just glad the suit was over, but New England Patriot Max Lane was NOT happy. The 6 foot 6 inch, 305 pound offensive lineman called the injured girl a quote "wus". He continued, "Just because a pair of mammoth-muscle professional football player come flying off a stage and happen to use your face as a landing pad, doesn’t mean you should sue. Coach always says to wear your protective gear—not my fault she wasn’t wearing shoulder pads or a facemask to the concert."

Drew Bledsoe, the other stage-diving player was more contrite, saying that he shouldn’t have dove and that a "quarterback slide" would have been more appropriate, as opposed to the out-stretched, spikes up, field-goal block maneuver.

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House Majority Leader Dick Armey asked the Reunion Arena in Dallas to reconsider the decision to hold a Marilyn Manson concert there. Though the Congressman wrote the request on his personal letterhead, the arena could not break the contract.

In related news, dude’s name is DICK ARMEY. When we have to go to war, the decision will be made by a man named, DICK ARMEY.

In further related news, atop all US helmets will now be a sharp cylindrical rod.

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An alligator that was pushed out of its natural feeding grounds by development in Rio de Janeiro resorted to dining on local pets.

The ravenous reptile invaded a home near a swampy nature park and gulped down the owner's dog along with four chickens that were in the yard. In his defense, the alligator had this to say: <BELCH>

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A new report reveals that the newer antidepressants, which include Prozac, are no more effective than older-generation antidepressants.

Some of these never-fail old-school anti-depressants include: a well-fit woman flashing you her bosoms for no apparent reason, a sunshiny day where a well-fit woman flashes you her bosoms for no apparent reason, rainy days—where a well-fit woman flashes you her wet bosoms for no apparent reason, and the eve of a nuclear holocaust where a well-fit woman flashes you her bosoms for no apparent reason.

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China will soon open a showcase nuclear research center to tourists, complete with a real atomic bomb on display.

The atomic bomb will be protected by a banister of red rope with a serious sign that states "do not touch-- may trigger nuclear winter and cause millions of our citizens to needlessly suffer-- and that's the job of the police at Tienemmen's Square."

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The drummer of the alternative rock band Garbage, says the band has done so many interviews together, they can silently communicate during them.

In related news, alternative to funny comedian Hog-Wild says he can communicate silently as well—but it smells really bad.

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A judge in Colombia angered local residents by freeing two men who were jailed after one sold his teenage daughter to the other for about $200.

The towns-people were outraged that the judge would set them free, especially since the father would not honor the buyer's manufacturer's coupon. The Dad, however, reminded every one that the coupon could not be used in conjunction with any other offer-- in this case, the senior citizen's discount.

When asked why he would sell his daughter for just $200, the man replied QUOTE: "I needed beer. I figured it was beer and $200 that got me into this mess, so maybe it could get me out."

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@~The U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization is promoting a plan to help rabbits do what comes naturally -- breed.

The idea is to set up a network to support rabbit breeding in Mediterranean countries as a way of adding to the food supply.

Helping rabbits breed: in related news, who says the U.N. doesn’t do anything useful.

We go to our caustic commentating without carefully considering that his breath clearly causes a cloud that smells like a colostomy bag—Hog-Wild.

 Hog: where o where would we be without the United Nations! I’m so glad Ted Turner donated 1 billion bacon bits to UN causes. And what better way to spend a billion units than to help rodents hump each other. Dammmn! Since when do RABBITS need help having sex? Since the UN has proved to be totally ineffective in keeping peace anywhere around the world, I guess they’ve set lower goals. Objective 1: keep peace in the middle east—well that didn’t go too well. Objective 2: keep peace in Bosnia—hmmm, that’s not working. Jeez boys, we’d better accomplish SOMETHING this year—let’s put Ted Turner’s cash to use—Objective 3: find a better way to make bunnies knock boots. Come on you nubs! Mr. UN scientist is administering the viagra to the bunny rabbit—and look his floppy ears are now standing straight up—and guess what, he’s doing what he always does—doin’ it with a girl bunny. HIGH FIVE!! Oh yeah, we rock!

Feeding a region with rabbits does not require anything more than over-nighting them 2 rabbits and a carrot. And before the rabbits even arrive to the famine-stricken place, there will be 3 rabbits. Presto! You just saved 1 billion units—now use that to build a McBootleg Franchise and hire the natives to work. Hog-Wild solves world hunger! Damn I’m good.

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Two farm dogs left over half a million dollars by their deceased owner have lost their windfall after a court ruling. The farmer had left much more money to the dogs than to his wife.

His explanation was that all 3 were bitches, but the dogs couldn't help it, they were born that way. The dogs had big plans to spend their inheritance. Besides the Calvin Klein Dog Collars and gold fire hydrants, they also had their eyes set on exotic doggy lingerie such as 2 pairs of crotchless panties, 12 nipple-clamps, as

well as the high-tech Doggy-Derriere Stank Detection System-- a way to avoid sniffing offending puppy posteriors.

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Eight Birmingham churches claiming that soccer fans are being encouraged to put the game before God plan a noisy protest by ringing their bells during a top English club match next Sunday.

Premier League side Aston Villa, which began as a Methodist church club, had been accused by ministers from the eight churches of abandoning its roots by playing a home match on the Sabbath. The soccer team holds that they are true to their religion. In fact, when they ask themselves "what would Jesus do?", the only response they can think of is, run down the field at Godspeed, part the defense in half, and dropkick the ball into the goal.

In related news, the soccer team also has a locker-room portrait of Jesus wearing a headband and shin guards.

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Six Iranians have been sentenced to 18 months in jail and 228 lashes of the whip for goading people to dance in the streets at an annual festival in a conservative religious city.

A spokesman for the Iranian government explained that the technical charge is for Jay-dancing. He said QUOTE: "these outlaws clearly disregarded the crosswalk and the DANCE, NoDance sign. Dancing against the light not only ties up camel-traffic in busy downtown intersections, but is also dangerous.

That's why we teach our children to "dance on the green, not in between." Plus our culture does not appreciate women clad in long all-black dresses and veils, hiking up their garments way past their ankle to do the cabbage patch, while asking pedestrians if they think she's jiggy.

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@~A new survey shows that most European executives like to make their deals over lunch, but Italians prefer a power breakfast.

In related news, this could be because most Italian business deals end with the salutation, "because by tonight you’ll be sleeping with the fishes!"

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@~A California doctor has some advice for people who work in the movie or television business: don't inhale the fake snow.

The snow made of polyethylene fibers, caused months of coughing and a runny nose for a special effects man who accidentally inhaled it during a two-day shoot.

That special effects man was Lawrence Taylor. Taylor said QUOTE: "How was I supposed to know it was fake? The cops set me up man, the cops set me up."

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Imagine a pair of toy cars that waltz, bunny-hop, even cha-cha-cha -- and teach each other. Or sneakers that make music as you dance. These are only a few of the marvels featured at the Tokyo Toy Show.

One somewhat disturbing toy was the "candle family". This toy sets the scene in the 1940’s. A Japanese family can be seen sitting together having a picnic in their hometown of Hiroshima. Then, here comes the American bombers (sold separately), when they drop the bomb, you light the wick and BOOM, mommy and daddy’s candle explodes, shooting hot wax everywhere. Meanwhile your baby sister’s face is melting. It’s fun for the whole family. Not recommended for kids over the age of 70—or anyone who might remember the actual events. And also available, the Nagasaki edition!

In related news, President Clinton attended the Toy show and asked for a special non-tobacco vibrating cigar that comes with batteries included.

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King Harald must wait in line for hospital treatment like ordinary Norwegians, a local council ruled after accusing a member of the royal family of jumping a health line.

A member of the royal family skirted the tax-financed public health system which requires Norwegians to put themselves on a waiting list at their local hospital for non-emergency treatment.

The King of Norway sulked, "This Monarchy-stuff just ain’t what it used to be. When my great-grand-daddy was King he wouldn’t have cut the line—he would have just cut off the heads of everyone is front of him. I’m such a failure, I have no power, I got my crown from a kids meal in a fast food establishment, and my wife won’t even let me have other wives! What kind of king has just one wife?! My great-grand-daddy had one wife for cooking, one for cleaning, one for having children, one for having sex, one for watching the sex, and one who was the result of sex. Those were the days, woe is me. I don’t even have a castle. I got a 2 bedroom apartment with a leaky toilet. So my THRONE isn’t even working!"

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@~A researcher reports that alcohol marketers are becoming more sophisticated at using the Internet to target youth, and parents should take heed of the promotion of alcohol on websites.

In related news, beer companies know that most underage Internet users can be found at websites featuring naked people having sex. Thus their new advertising paradigm includes web site PRODUCT PLACEMENT—much like the movies.

So while 16 year olds are looking at their daily dose of anal-inter-racial midget porn, they will know likely see a cold-one in between her bosoms. Or—the wetness for this wet T-shirt contest is provided by Old Milwaukee’s Beast. Or pictures of women on ww.big-fat-mamas.com holding a 40 ounce bottle of Shlitz Malt Liquor.

In related news, the man who claims to be only slightly-below-average Hog-Wild can now found naked on HIS website. He says he got naked just so he could earn some units be procuring an alcohol sponsorship. Unfortunately, after looking at his pictures, the only advertiser he could get was from a MICRO-brewery.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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Read last week's news, 99.03.16

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