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03/30/99

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild news network international is brought to you by The Mob Maintenance Services. The Mob would like to remind it’s customers that all balances must be paid in full by 6 o’clock TODAY! Mob Maintenance Services—we don’t make the NCAA Basketball Finals—we just fix them.

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@~Rob Zombie is negotiating to direct The Legend of the 13 Graves, a horror film about a group of young adventurers who stumble upon a freaky family in a small town. Madonna will co-produce the film, which Zombie is writing.

In fact, the main protaganist will be Madonna herself. She plays the part of a pop singer whose gap between her two front teeth keeps widening until surrounds San Francisco.

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Faced with a huge budget deficit, the town of Irvington, New Jersey, has decided to seek help from the highest authority.

Irvington Mayor Sara Bost organized a gospel-singing vigil to pray for help in dealing with the $7 million deficit in the town's fiscal 1999 budget.

In related news, God answered the town's prayers by telling them to cut social service programs. Angry residents rejected the proposal calling the Lord and Creator of the Universe, a QUOTE: "right-wing bozo."

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The Rev. Gregory Dell is on trial before 13 of his Methodist peers for blessing a same-sex union between two gay men in his Chicago congregation.

Methodist officials are less upset that the Reverand administered a gay wedding where both lovers wore pink tuxedos, atop the cake were two men holding hands, and that the centerpiece of the dessert buffet was a jello-mold in the shape of a giant butt that featured a well-sculpted stripper dancing out of it—but rather, it was a JEWISH ceremony.

In his defense, the methodist Reverand said QUOTE: "I don’t care what it says in the bible. Jesus was a Jew and Jesus had long hair and walked around half-naked and never dated—who’s to say he wasn’t gay?"

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The Russian publisher of Monica Lewinsky's biography said it had dropped the project because of anti-American fury unleashed by NATO air strikes on Yugoslavia.

The publisher said that ``The relationship of people, both to her and to the leadership of her country, has changed. We don't think people will properly accept her.''

In related news, not even AMERICANS properly accept Monica Lew-piggly. In fact, a recent poll revealed 92% wanted NATO Air Strikes to be directed at HER.

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@~Lenny Kravitz is organizing a benefit telethon for Kidz 2000 and Beyond, a charity for abused children. The event, called Kidzstock, is tentatively scheduled for next April in Miami.

Ironically, many of the abused kids will the same ones who attended the ORIGINAL kidzstock at Michael Jackson's house.

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Belgrade's largest theater is to stage two shows to boost the morale of a nation facing waves of punitive NATO air strikes.

The two plays being shown are "A Funny thing happened on the way to the Death Camps" and "Die Dirty Muslims Die: story of love, betrayal, and the systematic extermination of an innocent people."

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The elusive daredevil accused of parachuting off New York City's tallest buildings finally landed -- in police custody.

The man who was arrested after plunging off of the World Trade Center, said in his defense, QUOTE: "It's not MY fault the damm elevator is so slow."

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A custody battle has erupted over Howdy Doody, the freckle-faced puppet that enchanted American children in the 1950s.

A Detroit museum is wrangling with the family of the late puppeteer Rufus Rose, who brought Howdy Doody to life on television's long-running ``The Howdy Doody Show,'' over who owns the grinning marionette.

A different dispute is raging over who owns another popular grinning marionette, Al Gore. Is it the Environmental lobbyists, the anit-smoking lobbyists, or the secret coalition of koala bears to take over the world with the help of retired communist monkeys who have orbited the earth.

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A U.S. judge has ruled that weather forecasts are predictions and

broadcasters should not be blamed if they are wrong, dismissing a $10 million lawsuit filed by relatives of a Florida fisherman who died in a storm.

In related news, if I had a nickel for everytime the weatherman was wrong, I'd have a lot of nickels.

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An unemployed German man drank himself to death after winning $2.2 million in a state lottery.

He is survived by his wife who was unsurprised saying that his frequent urinations after drinking, made it very believable that if he won 2 million units, he would do his best to piss it all away.

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A man convicted of masturbating in public has received a helping hand from a Canadian court after it threw out an order requiring him to parade around a with a sign admitting the crime.

The man, described by friends as a "do-it-yourselfer", was being forced to wear a body-billboard that read: "I got caught touching myself in the Park and all I got was this lousy stain on my T-Shirt"

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The Cleveland suburb that pioneered seat belt laws more than 30 years ago has found a new way to force safer driving -- make motorists using cellular phones keep both hands on the steering wheel.

There is no word on how many cell-phone using drivers in the suburb have CAUSED accidents because of intense shoulder cramps created by wedging the phone against their tilted head.

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Master chocolate-makers in the central city of Perugia, home to some of Italy's best-loved sweets, said they had made a 1,760-pound Easter egg.

In related news, a very large television talk show host wearing rabbit ears and a fluffly tail going by the name of Rosie, could be seen hopping through Europe murmuring, "I've laid eggs before but this..."

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A group of students have filed suit against Southern Methodist University seeking damages for a computer course that was too hard.

Also named in the lawsuit were the students' mothers. The kids whined that LIFE was too hard.

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Researchers have found that seizures linked to alcoholism can be limited by treatment with the sedative lorazepam.

The durg however, has proved INEFFECTIVE against OTHER disorders linked to alcoholism such as loss of job, loss of spouse, and loss of bowels in public.

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Contrary to popular belief, vitamin E supplements appear to provide little benefit to health and may even cause harm, according to researchers. They believe vitamin E and most other nutrients should be consumed via a healthy, balanced diet.

And according to Jeremy the Bloated Jew, a balanced diet means a Double-Fudge Sundae in one hand, and a Double-Lard Burger with Cheese in the other.

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U.S. Energy Secretary Bill Richardson said the first-ever shipment of defense-related nuclear waste arrived safely at the Department of Energy's Waste Isolation Pilot Plant in Carlsbad, N.M.

Hog-Wild news, however has discovered that the driver of the truck had an accident. He thought he could hold it but he could not. After driving 14 hours straight without pulling into a rest-stop, he wet himself. Hog-Wild News Network International pledges to continue the investigation into the ensuing COVER-UP of the accident as well.

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Researchers report that motherhood often means a more sedentary lifestyle and increased risk of heart disease for women.

Mothers overall were about 14 percent less active following the birth of their first child.

This phenomenon could be caused by PBRE-- the post-birth refrigerator Effect. This is where a new mom starts to resemble a refrigerator in that she’s cold, big, and stocked full of milk.

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Scientists say that the viruses that cause measles, AIDS, Ebola and influenza may all be distantly related, perhaps descended from a common ancestor.

Hog-Wild News caught up with that ancestor. She is now over 2 billion years old and living in Paramus, New Jersey. Hog-Wild news has the exclusive on HER side of the story:

OLD LADY BUG: Yes, it is true—I am the mother of all viruses. My great-great-great-grand niece is the measles, and then she married the Flu family and so on. What a wedding that was! A beautiful rainy day, cold and damp. You’re bound to catch cold I said: HA HA HA!! It wasn’t unti recently that our family became really evil. It was Mr. AIDS, he’s kind of an outcast. He’ll never find a wife if he keep up his promiscuous behavior. Rumor has it he did-it with monkies in Africa—or was it a gay filght attendant—or was it a Jew in the Oval Office—who knows?!! All I know is that he needs to find a good woman. I hear that Melissa—the computer specialist is available.

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Malaysia said it was considering gassing pigs en masse, because troops sent in to prevent the spread of a deadly virus linked to pigs could not shoot the animals fast enough.

Some 1,000 soldiers in protective gear and masks have killed more than 70,000 pigs.

Ovens are burning with the smell of sausage in the air. Pigs ears are being tossed to the dogs, and some PEOPLE are even eating the pig’s feet. Mother pigs have been separated from their piglets. The desperate oinks of suffering are in the wind.

The Ham Holocaust continues with no sign of international intervention in sight. Malayasian officials said it was not Pig Genocide, or an official state policy, but rather an ethnic cleansing of the swine.

Wait, I’m sorry, I mixed up my papers-- that quote should be attributed to the Deputy Prime Minister of Serbia.

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A team of NASA scientists said the spacecraft Galileo had detected hydrogen peroxide, the chemical that turns brunettes into instant blondes, on Europa, a moon of Jupiter.

The NASA team also came to the revelation, that if it was only slightly larger, the rings on Saturn could be used a belt for BFN Rosie O’Donnell.

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Insisting that his current prison sentence is "fair and appropriate" and in his best interests, a Maryland judge refused to reduce Mike Tyson's jail time from one year to eight months.

In related news, Tyson’s next probation will include orders not to associate with any boxing promoters with criminal records who look like they stuck a fork in an electrical outlet, he must wear a muzzle at all times, especially when in close proximity to psuedo-Christians who have multiple illigitimate children, and he is no longer allowed to use a senior citizen’s scrotum as a speed-punching bag.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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