hoglogo4.jpg (15541 bytes)HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL

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04/06/99

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild news network international is brought to you by cilia—those little microscopic hairs that help paramecium to move—cilia.

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Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has ordered that a statue be set up in Baghdad depicting the United States as ``an angry demon seeking to suck the people's blood.''

In related news, the statue is said to look like an overfed pig with a large crooked snout resembling Linda Tripp.

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Anyone wanting to say it with flowers to Bangladesh's opposition leader Begum Khaleda Zia will have to think again. Her party has banned floral bouquet gifts for security reasons.

The mighty Bangladesh Army is still unable to defend against roses with terrorist thorns and buttercups that hold stealth insects such as the bumblebee.

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A thief robbed a taxi driver of his mobile phone but was caught because he left his own phone behind.

The phone not only provided the home number of the robber, it also made identification easy because it had a picture of him and his girlfriend on it.

Hog-Wild News presents a public service message to all potential criminals—when you are going to do something illegal, leave the cell phone that has your home number, picture of you and your girlfriend, and stored numbers for 99 crime-family friends at home.

In related news, this update is brought to you by AT&T Digital One-Rate. Don’t rob taxi drivers at gunpoint for their phones when you can avoid roaming charges and get a NEW phone for a STEAL. We’ve been serving the thug-life for years—whether you’re a drug dealer, bookie, or just a punk who steals the hub-caps off grandpa’s wheelchair—we’ve got your mobile phone.

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  According to a New York researcher, despite recent advances in gene transfer technology, such technology will most likely not have an impact on human evolution.

The researcher made this commentary while polishing the large scales on her 6 foot long tail. When asked if her apparent genetic mutation was created by gene transfer technology she laughed and credited her reptilian features to a lifelong residence in New York City under acid rain, polluted skies, and Chinese Take-out high in MSG.

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The monks at the Buddhist Purple Lotus University believe they may have an Easter miracle on their hands.

Officials at the university say that what looks like an image of Jesus has appeared on a bumpy, unfinished concrete wall on their campus.

After a closer inspection, religious officials concluded that the image was NOT Jesus, but had to be someone much older. Speculation lead them to believe the image is actually Mick Jagger.

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Videotapes taken of college wrestlers undressing and showering have been distributed as pornography on the Internet and by mail order.

The footage was taken by cameras hidden in gym bags that were placed in locker rooms at Northwestern University and the University of Pennsylvania during wrestling meets.

Some of the naughty pictures can be found on ww.big-sweaty-guys-in-spandex.com This relatively untapped market for people with fetishes for boys in tight-fitting one-piece outfits wearing mouth-guards is now being exploited for what it’s worth.

A small number of the exposed wrestlers are attempting turn the situation around to their advantage by auctioning off their now celebrity knee-pads, sweatbands, and the ever-popular, used urea-stained jock-strap.

In related news, Monica Lew-piggly bought the knee-pads.

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A Utah couple fed up with a neighbor's smoking has filed a lawsuit seeking to bar him from lighting up at home, saying his smoke is making them miserable.

The chain-smoking neighbor shot back QUOTE: "It’s THEIR fault I smoke in the first place. When I first moved to Utah I didn’t know it would be like this. I’m just having a cigarette after each wife leaves their house. The only reason HE doesn’t smoke is because he needs to keep his stamina."

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According to a new study, women are able to recall more childhood memories and retrieve those memories faster than their male counterparts.

This study does NOT hold true when applied to the man who is trapped inside the mind of a mentally-defeated 13 year old with a bed-wetting problem—Hog-Wild. Hog-Wild claims to recall EVERY childhood memory, especially those involving Linda Carter as Wonderwoman and hiding under the covers with a jar of peanut butter.

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Spectators at the World Youth championship between Nigeria and Costa Rica have been told to beware of flying urine at matches.

At first thought to be acts perpetrated by hoodlums, we now know that the flying urine was not an act of gross assault, but rather an event.

The United States did not place in annual toss of the plastic bag filled with number 1, but DID get the silver in the fecal fling. Nothing promotes the image of the World’s Youth like the Championship Hurling of Horse Hamburger Bricks.

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President Boris Yeltsin gave one of Russia's highest awards to a cosmonaut who spent six months as flight captain aboard the orbiting Mir space station.

Gennady Padalka was named a Hero of the Russian Federation for the six-month stint aboard Mir, the world's only manned space station.

The cosmonaut immediately sold his statue in exchange for a loaf of bread and cup of yogurt. The Hero of the Russian Federation says he would have come down to Earth sooner but QUOTE: "My idiotic government ran out of money to bring me back, so I had to wait for the bus. And if you think the bus is slow in Cleveland, you’ve never been waiting in the RTA station in zero atmosphere for 6 months. And it cost me a buck-fifty. What do you think they pay us? This trip was B.Y.O.T.—bring your own Tang."

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Cambodian soldiers stationed near the grave of Pol Pot are cashing in on his notoriety by charging $5 to visit the site.

The soldiers defended the move saying that the cost is only

0.0000025 cents per person killed by Pol Pot through mass executions, starvation, and slave labor. All in all, the soldiers say, it’s a pretty good deal.

In related news, they also have a small boom box and include a $1 surcharge if you want dance on his grave.

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Despite technological improvements designed to lessen their workload, Americans work more at the century's end than its beginning, in part because, according to one researcher,

they have developed a religious-like attachment to work.

In related news, PRAYING in one’s cubicle for God to kill your boss while crying into your coffee mug should not be confused with legitimate religious activity. Unless of course you are forced to give to the collection plate which has been renamed The United Way Fund-drive.

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The FDA says many Americans are not careful enough when it comes to handling and eating food, putting themselves at risk for foodborne disease.

Investigators report that ``Our findings suggest that many consumers could benefit from food-safety education.''

Some of these food-safety tips include:

-Not using your uncut cucumber as a javelin

-Remembering that broken egg shells NEVER make a good replacement for contact lenses

-And making poopy, not washing your hands and then eating a finger-food such as generic orange cheese curls is NOT a good idea

These simple tips could keep you healthy and also make great discussion at cocktail parties.

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A supervised program of regular exercise improves fitness and helps to relieve depression and anxiety in patients recovering from a heart attack.

One notable exception is the now popular Taebo program. Watching that bald-headed freak shadow-box while you continue to sit on the couch and eat lard-on-a-stick only adds to depression. The best anxiety-relief is to watch Rosie O’Donnell attempt to figure out what the thigh-master is supposed to do and then laugh when she uses it as a mobile holder for her jug of emergency mayonaisse.

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According to two studies in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, women who deliver by cesarean section are less likely to have another child than those who have an uncomplicated vaginal delivery.

In fact, many women who deliver vaginally are SO confident that they offer themselves as a courier service. Says Beth Johnson of Oklahoma, QUOTE: "After giving birth in the normal vaginal way, I just feel so good that I want to use my gift to make more people happy. For a modest fee, I will I deliver anvy package under 8 pounds, guaranteed to arrive warm and undamaged, straight from my womb. I’m that confident. And I never have trouble getting men to sign off on it either."

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A strong earthquake with a preliminary measurement of 7.4 on the Richter scale hit an area in Papua New Guinea.

Feeling guilty, celebrity comedian and chef Dom DeLuise AKA the Big Papua New Guinea, apologized for the massive quake and that next time he will try to cover his mouth after belching eggplant parmesan.

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Conservationists warn that human violence in the heart of Africa poses a serious threat to some of the world's rarest animals, such as the only mountain gorillas on the planet.

Just 620 of the majestic mountain gorillas survive, with only 1 in captivity in the United States. That majestic mountain gorilla is on Capitol Hill and named Monica, making a habitat under a desk, probably living on the bananas of government officials.

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Thomas J. Koskovich, infamously dubbed the alleged "Pizza Killer," hung out at bowling alleys, diners and malls, but reportedly longed to be an illustrious hit-man. He was known to like violent video games and rap music. Friends describe the small-town teen as a gangsta wannabe.

Gangs however would never accept him. He tried numerous bad-boy aliases such as Killer Koskovich, Tough-guy Tom, and Mr. Irate—but none impressed the gangs. Finally, he was dubbed Kosovich the little Bitch. This drove him to kill gang members and led to being renamed the Pizza Killer for the way he sliced up people into 8 pieces, cooked them hot, and packed them into cardboard boxes. He guaranteed 30 minute delivery but customers always got upset when they opened their pizza and the victim’s face got stuck to the top of the box. "I hate when that happens", responded one would-be cannibal. "The guy should have at least shoved one of those little white table into his nose—that’s what they’re there for you know."

The Pizza Killer denies any wrong-doing and vehemently denies using vicitm’s sliced jammees as a certain topping.

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Bernie Bickerstaff was fired as coach of the Washington Wizards after the underachieving team dropped to 13-19 in the shortened basketball season.

The General Manager said QUOTE "I felt this team wasn't moving in the direction that we anticipated.''

Namely, that direction would be counterclockwise-circular accompanied by the sound BAWOOSH.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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