hoglogo4.jpg (15541 bytes)HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL

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04/13/99

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild news network international is brought to you by people who haved sued the Brillo Pad Company for not warning against using their product as a self-pleasuring device.

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@~Marilyn Manson may cover AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" for the upcoming Detroit Rock City soundtrack, according to Kiss Online. Kiss appear in the film about four teens trying to get into one of their shows in 1972.

In related news, a SEQUEL is already planned and is set in the present day--it's a film about 4 senior citizens trying to get into one of Kiss' show for 1/2 price.

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@~ Individuals with heart or lung disease who require supplemental oxygen therapy have no problems flying on some commercial airlines, but great difficulty flying on others, according to a study.

``Our findings encourage the prospective air traveler needing in-flight oxygen to 'shop around,''' conclude Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic. The report is published in the April issue of the journal Chest.

In related news, the horny, humiliation to his heritage, hyperactive hormone hero with horse-breath and sea-horse genital features, Hog-Wild checked into the Cleveland Clinic, short of breath, requiring oxygen while holding HIS issue of CHEST magazine, saying he was REALLY ready to make that donation they spoke about prior.

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@~In the movies, Kevin Costner and Sean Young did it in a taxi in Washington, D.C. Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet did it a vintage car below deck on the Titanic.

But from now on in Italy, sex in the backseat, labeled as an "obscene act", could get you three years in jail.

In related news, you can now add to the litany of embarrassing questions that kids ask, "Why do I have to wait until my 4th birthday to see mommy and daddy?"

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@~President Clinton, hoping to pump new life into a stalled bid to expand healthcare protection under a ``Patients Bill of Rights,'' urged Americans to join a petition drive to overcome industry opposition.

Hog-Wild News suggests that the President, in a n effort to gain more support for the plan, adopt the ideas presented in HOG-WILD’S Patient’s Bill of Rights:

-No Thermometers in the rectum—ever

-And if you do put the Thermometer in the Patient’s rectum, you can not tease him, by demanding he QUOTE: "Smell that."

-No laughing or rude comments such as QUOTE: "If those are your family jewels, then you must be from a long line of poor peasants."

-All nurses must have large bosoms and exposed cleavage.

-Said nurses must not be BFN’s or have cold hands, or have webbed feet.

and

-When I’m naked, the light’s off, and air-freshener is dispensed—and all barnyard animals are securely locked in appropriate cages.

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@~Two armed men staged a rare bank robbery in China's eastern metropolis of Shanghai and stole 10,000 yuan ($1,200) from a branch of the Shanghai Bank.

The President of American Bank Robbers Ivan Boskey was embarrassed, saying QUOTE: "That' all these Chinese guys could steal-- 1200 measly dollars? I used to spend that much on Chinese TAKE-OUT! Their entire bank robbery could barely finance my lunch!"

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@~A South African man who shot a gorilla while fleeing from police has been sentenced to 40 years in prison. Max the gorilla was a star attraction at Johannesburg zoo.

The man is trying to plea bargain his way down to the LESSER crime of a HUMAN double-homicide.

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@~Women serving in the Danish army are furious over the military's purchase -- handled by a male officer -- of the same size brassieres for 500 women soldiers.

When told of their displeasure the male superior officer apologized, cancelled the purchase, and instead ordered all females to wear white t-shirts with NO bra and informed them that their next assignment was to hose each other down while he watched.

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@~Beavermania is sweeping across Washington as a pair of errant furry criminals munch their way through the capital's prized flowering cherry trees.

Beavermania is not new to Washington- it has been going on since 1992. Except most recently it seems to be more like overweight-duck-billed-platypus-mania.

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@~At a recent convention, floating furniture, musical condoms and a do-it-yourself halitosis kit were put in the top ranks of the world's wackiest inventions.

In related news, convention-goers were strongly cautioned against using the halitosis kit directly after using the musical condoms to play the skin flute.

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@~Marla Maples, the estranged wife of real estate mogul Donald Trump, and her former publicist, who once confessed to having a fetish for her shoes, were back in court after a judge ordered a retrial of the publicist’s 1994 conviction for stealing Marla’s underwear and shoes.

In his defense, the man said he wasn’t a freak with a fetish, but rather he was only hoping to find valuable residue on her shoes from all of her gold-digging.

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Kid Rock may be a white rapper who wears cool clothes and gold chains, but don't mention his name in the same sentence as Vanilla Ice. "U embarrassed and humiliated a whole generation of white kids," Kid once wrote to Vanilla on an air-sickness bag.

Vanilla Ice wrote back Kid Rock a note scrawled on a maxi-pad, QUOTE: "Yeah, and none of my female fans were old enough to need on of these. You know what they say- if they’re old enough to pee, they’re just the right age to enjoy my CD."

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@~ Public playgrounds in low-income New York City communities pose a higher risk for child injury than those found in more affluent neighborhoods, researchers conclude.

Some risks of injury that exist in the New York Projects that do not plague the wealthier neighborhoods include the tragic "crack vial in the eye" accidents, a used condom being used by preschool children as a flag in their sand castle, mishaps caused by playing darts with hypodermic needles, and the ever-popular pieces of broken-glass hunt always causes injuries. Other risks for kids in low-income New York playgrounds include bad kids doing drive-by’s on big-wheels, tricycle-car-jacking, and the notorious "pedophile waiting at the bottom of the sliding pond."

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@~The European Union will not reach its target for reducing emissions of greenhouse gases unless it makes major efforts to win over public opinion.

And more importantly, they must convince the women of France to stop parading around in sleeveless tank-tops.

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@~The Food and Drug Administration approved tiny acrylic eye implants on that are designed to correct mild nearsightedness.

The product, called Intacs, consists of tiny half-rings that are surgically inserted into the cornea of the eye to correct the steep curvature that causes myopia, or nearsightedness.

And in effort of shameless self-promotion, Hog-Wild has purchased advertising on the eye implants. A small, yet notice-able transparent Hog-Wild logo will be omni-present in the bottom right-hand corner of the person’s view.

Said one recipient of the eye implants, QUOTE: "I’m grateful for Hog-Wild reducing the price with advertising—and it’s really cool how even when I go to sleep, I am still subtly reminded of Hog-Wild’s products and services by a sleek logo that appears to be tattooed on the inside of my eye-lids. I don’t mind at all—then again, I am a person who wears shirts with Beer logos, my luggage was all purchased through points redeemed on cigarette cartons, and my car is plastered with advertisements of everything from soap to motor oil, to fast food establishments. Oh, and my forehead is owned by Eller Media Corporation for use as a billboard. And yeah, and Goodyear DID rent my ass to fly over next year’s Superbowl."

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@~According to a new survey, sixth-grade students who use alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems in tenth grade than their peers.

In related news, alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana were found to be the main substances surrounding their conception.

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@~The World Health Organization said that a mystery disease that killed 200 people in northeast Afghanistan in February was caused by the influenza A virus.

Afghans were relieved when they heard the news. "Thank God", said one Afghan whose sister died tragically, "that it wasn’t influenza B. Because then her life would have been a waste—but influenza A makes much more sense. Knowing that she died miserably at the hands of influenza A as opposed to B, makes it all so much easier to deal with. Thank you World Health Organization."

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 @~The World Health Organization confirmed a polio outbreak in Angola which has reportedly paralyzed 200 children.

Angolans were relieved when they heard the news. "Thank God", said one Angolan that the World Health Organization can CONFIRM this polio outbreak. If my son had been paralyzed from an Unconfirmed case of polio—I would not know how to deal with our pain and suffering. But knowing that it is a CONFIRMED case of Polio, I feel so much better about my son’s loss of use of his lower limbs. Everytime I help him urinate and measure how much his little legs have shriveled in the past week, I think, Thank You World Health Organization."

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@~Researchers report that grassroots education and support from women trained to counsel about breastfeeding improves breastfeeding rates among new mothers.

The door-to-door efforts of trained counselors produced "a significant increase in breastfeeding'' among poor and middle-class Mexican women.

The program was described as more than just a bunch of lactating women running around squirting each other with warm milk produced from their bloated but bountifully nutrient-filled bosoms. It was described as culturally important and essential to the health of a new generation—and in related news, video footage will be seen exclusively on a certain late night premium cable channel show that usually focuses on horny housewives and fire-eating strippers in the backwoods of Iran.

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@~A new procedure could reduce by more than half the number of women with breast cancer who need additional surgery for lymph node removal. Surgeons in Minneapolis said they had used the

screening method in a study of 80 breast cancer patients over a period of nearly two years and found it had a 96 percent accuracy rate.

The other 4 percent developed moldy nipples.

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 @~A recent study should relieve parents' fears that dental fillings expose their children to dangerous levels of mercury.

In fact, without the fillings, children could develop dangerous levels of toxic bacteria poopy in their teeth until their molars resemble-- in both smell and appearance—a New Jersey Junkyard replete with burning rubber tires and flocks of seagulls dropping more bombs than NATO over Yugoslavia.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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Read last week's news, 99.04.06

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