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04/20/99

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by--- Clams. We’re just like Hog-Wild. We may present ourselves with a hard exterior, but inside we’re soft, mushy, and pretty much tasteless.

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Hardened criminals find Britain's first privately run prison too soft and have asked for transfers to jails where the guards are nastier.

Such is life in England’s only prison designed especially for the criminal Masochist. In a situation where full body cavity searches are REQUESTED, the outlaws are not treated harshly because that is exactly what they want. The guards don’t even carry night sticks, instead they wield a key chain with a little furry rabbit’s foot. And when a prisoner needs behavioral adjustment, the guards simply tickles his face with the pink-dyed soft foot until he weeps in humiliation. Similarly, unwanted buttsex in the showers is now PROHIBITED. The masochists may receive no such luxury. Instead they can only receive back rubs. The taunts of "would you bend over to pick up the soap and purr like a kitten?", are now replaced with "Would you please massage my lower back, I’ve got a cramp like you wouldn’t believe."

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According to a new study, Endometrial ablation -- an increasingly popular, nonsurgical procedure used to control heavy menstrual bleeding -- helps some women avoid hysterectomy.

Detractors to the nonsurgical procedure call it nothing more than a band-aid solution. The creators of the procedure replied, QUOTE "yes, that’s exactly what it is. Except bigger, more absorbent, and it is inserted with a toilet bowl cleaner."

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An innocent man was locked up by mistake when a juror in a Welsh court coughed as the verdict was being read out.

As the foreman of the jury delivered a ``not guilty'' verdict on the accused, another juror cleared his throat and the noise drowned out the word ``not.''

The judge thought the jury had found the man guilty and sentenced him to two years in prison.

In a very lame cover-up attempt, President Clinton has hired Whooping Lee Lam, China’s premier overdub voice talent for Karate films. Clinton has instructed Whooping Lee to go back over the video tapes of Clinton’s denial and cough-over, Karate-flick style the words that accidentally came out as bold-faced lies to the American people. The new video will sound more like <PLAY CART>

(I did <COUGH> have sexual relations with that woman. )

In related news, Hog-Wild is worried about Mrs. Potato-Head’s response at the wedding, so after she says "I do", he has instructed all of his rent-a-friends and the Travelling Russian Midget Circus to immediately cough as if they were being tested for a hernia in an effort to drown out anything negative his bimance might say.

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The army band which has been playing the national anthems at the World Youth Cup has been fired following out-of-tune performances.

Pre-recorded national anthems replaced live versions for the second round.

The young band members for the Youth Cup were stunned. Some cried, some pouted, some got drunk by guzzling down 40 ounces of their own putrid saliva from the spit valve of their tuba.

Said Billy Hill, "I’m American, how should I know that the somber Russian National Anthem isn’t supposed to sound like theme to the Harlem Globetrotters?" And 12 year old Brazilian Paulo Enrique Jones cried "yeah, and no ever told us that the German National Anthem wasn’t a Polka version of MC Hammer’s 2 Legit to Quit." The litany of sad stories goes on. The Ethiopian Anthem sounded more like the music that comes out of an ice cream truck. The French National Anthem was replaced by Nancy Sinatra’s hit, "These boots were made for walking—away from the battle scene and into a hole in the ground where I can stick my head and cry into an souflette." When the French protested, the band replaced it with the Oldies song "Runaway". But the biggest outrage caused by the World Youth Cup Band was when they played the McBootleg jingle in the place of the Mexican National Anthem. The snotty kids from places like Luxembourg, Switzerland, and Connecticut, said they did it because it was more familiar, and besides, they thought they’d like it because all the Mexicans they know mop the floors there anyway.

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Thousands of patients who had blood drawn at a Palo Alto clinical laboratory will be advised to take precautionary AIDS and hepatitis tests after a technician who worked at the lab admitted she sometimes reused disposable hypodermic needles.

The technician maintained that it was not his fault. While he did use the same needle for every patient, he said QUOTE, "But I only dropped it on the ground once—and I fully adhered to the 6 second rule. And as an extra precautionary procedure I rubbed it clean on my shirt and blew hot air on it.

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Authorities rushed to a Miami-area hotel this week after a guest's cooler flipped open in the lobby and spilled $2 million in cold, hard cash.

U.S. Customs agents immediately swooped in believing it was drug-related. Although the only hard narcotics he had on his person was a small traveler’s bottle of Nyquil, they still charged Michael Jordan with drug trafficking. Jordan maintains that he always carries at least 2 million units in cash as a down payment, just in case he happens to see a basketball team he might want to buy.

Police found that to be a weak alibi, citing QUOTE "that he may be able to pull that off in a hick town like Charlotte, North Carolina, but here in Miami, 2 million isn’t even enough for a down payment on a reasonable bribe." The Miami police chief continued, QUOTE: "It’s not like we would have arrested him anyway, we just wanted a piece of the action—and no, we do NOT think it is harassment just because we made him strip and autograph his Hanes for my wife."

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Owners of Rottweilers and pit bull terriers in Brazil, under growing pressure to restrain their potentially dangerous pets, now can get insurance to protect them from liability in case their animals turn vicious.

For $18 per year, Brazilians can protect themselves in case the popular breeds attack and injure passersby.

And for just an extra 3 units, they can purchase an insurance plan to cover their other household pets such as the Fire-breathing dragon tarantula, the cyanide spitting scorpion, and the common insanely rabid and infectious litter of horn-backed baby gerbils with Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome.

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A Lithuanian brewer put his 12 and a half inch beard to good use when he lifted a 90 pound barrel of his own homemade beer.

The man said he did it as an experiment in elongation. Said the hairy man, QUOTE: "My beard wasn’t always this prolific—it used to be only 4 inches—even when I combed it out! But thanks to my new tie-a-90-pound-beer-barrel-to-the-end-of-it-trick, I find that the ladies really have gained an interest. My only concern, however, is that CERTAIN areas of my body are more difficult to tie in a knot."

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California state officials unveiled a bill aimed at ending the kind of electoral foul in which a candidate offered free chicken meals in exchange for votes.

The bill would close a loophole used by former Oakland Mayor Elihu Harris, a Democrat, during a special election in February when his campaign gave away meal coupons to voters who presented their ballot stubs.

In related news, the next mayoral election for Cleveland is already heating up with Mayor White promising free value meals at Kennedy Fried Chicken, Mayoral candidate Joey Rizzuto promising free ravioli, and candidate Ben Steinberg offering free bagels and gefilte fish. The hands-on favorite though, with this new stereotype cookbook approach, is former city councilman Mickey O’Conner. It seems that Free alcohol crosses all racial and ethnic boundaries. Votes for Mickey O’Conner for Cleveland Mayor—uniting America’s Comeback Ghetto with public inebriety and Bars that are allowed to open at 8am even on Sundays.

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  Almost $10 million in suspected drug money was seized from a truck stopped for traffic violations earlier this week in Texas.

The driver, basketball great Michael Jordan, was arrested although he had absolutely no drugs in the vehicle. He claimed that he always carries that much in cash just in case he seems a basketball team he likes.

Texas police rejected Jordan’s alibi arguing quote "That excuse may work in Houston or San Antonio, Texas. But this here is DALLAS. Who the hell would want THIS team? They have about as many wins as the Dallas Cowboy CHEERLEADERS have BFN’s! Besides, I don’t think it costs ANYTHING to buy the Dallas Mavericks. The only requirements to purchasing the team are a love of losing and a yearning for the natural high associated with repeated public humiliation.

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An experimental DNA analyzer could make it easier to rapidly detect bacteria at the site of an outbreak. The portable unit can identify bacteria samples in as little as 7 minutes.

In related news, no such analyzer is need to detect that flourishing metropolis of bacteria in the foul mouth of Hog-Wild. Bacteria can be identified much faster than 7 minutes, in fact, one only need observe the quivering of small children, the accelerated spoiling of vegetation, and the radiation poisoning seeping over a 3 mile radius.

In another related story, in the winter when Hog-Wild can see his breath, it most resembles in both appearance and destruction-- a mushroom cloud over Nagasaki.

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  President Clinton vowed that NATO will ``persist and prevail'' in Yugoslavia as the Pentagon said it has reports of the systematic rape of Kosovo women at a Serb army training camp.

Clinton continued with an unexpected public apology, saying quote "I did NOT systematically rape any women in Kosovo. Although I did look lustfully at that major news-magazine cover photo of a hot refugee mama breastfeeding her baby, I NEVER asked anybody to lie. No, I asked her to STAND, because I’m kinky like that. And despite the fact that I’m waging this war only because I want 1000’s of women to be grateful to me, I never touched one because I noticed that after being denied food, clothing, shelter, and modern plumbing facilities for that long, these bims began to need more than just an ETHNIC cleansing. So I say, my Penis will Prevail! I mean, we must Persist and Prevail."

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According to researchers, US kidney dialysis patients are much more likely than patients in other countries to skip hemodialysis treatments.

Said dialysis patient Herman Keller, QUOTE: "That hemodialysis stuff just isn’t fun anymore. What’s the big deal if I skip every so often to stay outside and eat ice cream. I’m a grown man, if I don’t want my hemodialysis treatments, then I don’t need to get ‘em!"

The nurse than wheeled Mr. Keller back to his room and replaced his colastamy bag that was overfilled with what looked like either Chocolate, Mississippi Mud Mousse, or most likely Rocky Road.

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  Congress could take legislative steps to help alleviate the chronic shortage of organs for transplant.

Most Americans polled said they would NOT support any law that required them to give up their internal organs upon death, but over 90% queried FULLY supported legislation requiring the CONGRESSMEN to give up any needed organs whether or not they needed them to survive.

Congressman Ted Kennedy was the first to be proactive about the situation, saying that he would donate any and all BONES needed for surgery, citing that he has PLENTY of skeletons in his closet.

The bodypart that is MOST abundant in Washington, unfortunately, is NOT one that is desperately needed. Said one doctor, QUOTE, "Yeah great, we don’t need what Washington has—EVERYBODY has an a--hole."

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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Read last week's news, 99.04.13

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