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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by NATO—we’re the bomb.

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@~A Canadian high school has banned students from wearing black trench coats similar to those worn by the killers responsible for the worst school massacre in U.S. history.

The students however are STILL allowed to carry the same feelings of resentment, ostracism, and automatic weapons. In response, the school's principal said QUOTE: "I like watching the boys' gymnastic team take showers.

But as far as this school shooting stuff goes, we take students' safety very seriously. If anybody were to come to class with a gun, we'd immediately call in the Mounties and offer the pupil free horsy rides in exchange for our lives. Besides it wasn't MY idea to ban the black trench coats-- it was the parents'-- and it had less to do with what happened in Colorado, and more to do with a game I like to play called "I got your Hall Pass Right Here Baby."

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Michigan state Sen. Dale Shugars, who caught Marilyn Manson's Grand Rapids, Mich., concert termed Manson part of "a drug-cultural type of thing, with a subculture of violence and killing and hatred."

Manson fans reminded the state senator that when he was growing up, he was a Beatles fan—and the older generation said similar things about THAT group: "it’s a drug-culture type of thing, with a subculture of violence, and anarchy, and really bad haircuts."

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@~Leading U.S. cereal maker Kellogg Co. said its first-quarter profit fell 30 percent as it spent more on product development and marketing, which helped to boost sales 6 percent.

The company said downsizing will be necessary so if you see 3 small men with questionable sexual orientations, please be generous. Mr. Snap, Mr. Crackle, and Mr. Pop have all expressed optimism that they will find new jobs, perhaps in the narcotics industry.

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@~Work is about to start in London on the construction of the world's largest ferris wheel, but opponents say it will ruin views of the British capital's historic skyline.

Such opponents cite that "American tourists shoveling ice cream and hot dogs down their chutes while going around in circles" is not what they want adorning post cards of their city. In related news, the ugliest of all "ugly Americans", Rosie O’Donnell, is planning a trip to London. Said the BFN talk show host, QUOTE: "If they got the world's biggest ferris wheel, then I gotta see if they also got the world's biggest sno-cone-- and biggest cotton-candy machine, and biggest cinnamon pretzels, and biggest Diet Carbonated Beverage to wash down the world's largest lard-on-a-stick.

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@~One judge asked a woman defendant out for a drink, another was reputed to brandish a gun in chambers -- it's all in a special ``stupid judge tricks'' edition of the National Law Journal.

The journal, a weekly trade paper, cites the cases in an edition due to mark Law Day on May 1.

Other "stupid Judge tricks" included the "guess-what-color-thong-I'm-wearing-under-my-robe-game", the old judicial pick-up line, "Hey baby, you can bang MY gavel anytime", and the ever-popular handcuff her to the desk while the bailiff videotapes. But the best stupid judge trick was the one that allowed a jury to find a certain Hall of Fame Football player not guilty of spiking his ex-wife's head in the endzone.

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Raymond Alan Norcia, a 43-year-old blues artist who goes by the name Sugar Ray, has threatened to sue the band Sugar Ray for trademark infringement. "[The music is] so significantly different that the reasonable person wouldn't confuse the two," said the band's attorney.

In related news the band is also being sued by ANOTHER entertainment artist, gay-midget-PORN STAR Sugar Ray.

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@~Sex-related services are on the menu at over 75 percent of restaurants in Vietnam's Ho Chi Minh City.

In related news, the town will be shortening its name to Ho City.

Saigon Giai Phong said that of the 401 officially registered restaurants in the city formerly called Saigon, 301 were a front for ``bia om''. Bia om can include everything from hand-holding to sexual intercourse.

Appetizers at the restaurants include such favorites as the waitress holding your Mozzarella Stick, letting you munch on her onion loaf, and the traditional "tossed salad." And when it comes to main course, "sharing" is encouraged.

Try the Baby-got-Back Ribs or go for the always popular seafood, like Clams or Red Lobster, but stay away from the crabs. Naturally, customers must provide their own tartar sauce. And for dessert try the triple-layer spank-me cake or a delicious banana split. One item that is always in high demand but short supply however, is the Cherries Jubilee.

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@~A cargo of 1,500 giant, 110 pound Italian parmesan cheeses, worth around $2.2 million, has disappeared without a trace on its way to the United Arab Emirates.

Investigators suspect fraud, saying QUOTE: "We think that some Arabs are smuggling the giant cheeses in their turbans." In related news, substantial evidence has finally been discovered as to the reason of the horrible smell of New York City taxi cab drivers. ../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

@~A whale-shark trapped for 10 days inside a Philippine fish pen swam to freedom after fishery officials took pity on it and ordered its release.

In related news, when female sharks menstruate, do they attack THEMSELVES?../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes) 

@~Britain's leading tabloid marked St George's Day by listing 100 reasons why it is great to be English.

Not ONE of those reasons were good teeth.

The Queen Mother was at the top of the list, followed by the Beatles (who reminded everyone they were higher on than Jesus), and were joined in the top 10 by William Shakespeare, a cup of tea and pints of milk being delivered to your doorstep.

American semi-funny-man who one day hopes to Art Garfunkel a career with a TALENTED performer, Hog-Wild, created his Top 100 reasons to be British. They included Benny Hill, Mr. Bean, and Posh Spice's English Muffins. This list however was overshadowed by his other list, 1776 reasons why it sucks to be British. The highlights of the results are as follows:

-Army got its ass kicked by a bunch of dirty emigrants with sling shots

-Colonized and economically enslaved millions of people

-Army got its ass kicked by a bunch of dirty emigrants with sling shots

-Former British pop stars have to copycat Pee Wee Herman in order to regain popularity

-Army got its ass kicked by a bunch of dirty emigrants with sling shots

-Responsible for popularizing cricket

and the worst thing about being British is:

you have to live next to France.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

 @~Fewer than one in 10 working women in Japan become managers, indicating more needs to be done to help women in the workplace.

Said male chauvinist pig and researcher of Asian culture (especially on interracial-anal-asian-midgets.com) Hog-Wild, QUOTE: "I couldn't see MY woman as a Manager, she can't even manage to make me dinner every night."../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes) 

@~Crowd noise is the biggest factor in helping the home team in sport, British statisticians said.

The association of crowd size and home advantage has been known for years but Professor Alan Nevill and colleagues at the Research Institute for Sport and Exercise Sciences think they are the first to prove it.

For their next break-thru, they will prove that bludgeoning a baby seal’s head with a spiked-club leads to death. Then they will tackle the really tough issues like, "Does a lack of Oxygen cause death in humans? Does a puncture of the epidermis cause bleeding? Do the bacon-flavored bagels, loaded with cream cheese, lard, and animal fat contribute to Jeremy the Bloated Jew’s bloatedness?"../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

Alternative rock Dovetail Joint frontman Chuck Gladfelter says he's sick of seeing bands do cover songs. "I don't want to see [live bands]play somebody else's song," he says. "I can listen to the real version at home, keep the five bucks and get drunk."

In related news, he said the same thing about strip clubs. QUOTE: "I don’t want to go out to see somebody else’s girl naked. I can have the real thing at home, keep the five bucks and get drunk.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

@~More than 100 South African high school students were arrested after they beat and held captive their principal in a dispute over reductions in the teaching staff.

Said one student, QUOTE: "We take our learning environment very seriously. By reducing the number of teachers, we’re forced to sit in classrooms with too many students."

Some officials conjectured that the students may have learned this violent behavior from the TV, movies, or even video games. But the students refuted this saying they learned it from sitting in on PTA meetings.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

 @~ A study suggests that cutbacks in mental health care may lead to an increased risk of suicide among people who have recently been discharged from a hospital.

This also explains why many of the city’s Residentially Challenged, are walking around wearing blue shower caps, talking to their pet squirrel Petey, who has an exposed vertebrae.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

@~ Studies shows that people may be more likely to suffer hemorrhagic strokes during office hours.

In response many work places have banned such counter-productive activities. Signs that declare, "Hemorrhaging is what a lunch break is for" are now the norm. And new polices that insist that co-workers continue doing their jobs while someone is having a heart-attack note that YOU are not a doctor, but you CAN give a quick call to janitorial services.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

@~A survey of British elderly finds that nearly one in every five women over the age of 65, and one in every 10 men, is physically or mentally disabled.

In related news, Mick Jagger said he is "feeling just fine thank you."../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

@~To improve access to health care in the US, two physicians have proposed a 28th amendment to the Constitution, guaranteeing US residents the right to basic health care.

This move has angered the ‘Net’s Nefarious Nincompoop Hog-Wild, who had already proposed that the 28th Amendment be the right to Eat Wings. Actually, in his own words of ignorance, Hog-Wild demanded QUOTE: "that my amendment take the place of that silly one that allows bims to vote. Besides, why would a woman want to be voting when she could be cooking. Her duty to keep her nub well-fed supercedes any absurd notions that she should have an equal say in our nation’s democratic process. The only process she should be concerned with is the FOOD processor." Hog-Wild was then interrupted from his rant by his bimance Mrs. Potato-Head who ordered him to QUOTE: "Shut your mouth before I decide not to become a doctor and support your tired old ass." Hog-Wild then whimpered quietly but again was interrupted by Mrs. Potato-Head who swiftly backhanded him in the face and kicked him in the groin.

In related news, Hog-Wild was last seen giving his woman a foot-rub in a public park.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

@~A magnetic coil used to stimulate the brain appears to ease some patients' severe depression with few side effects, and may eventually replace electroconvulsive treatment.

In related news, Burger Empire has used this tactic for years in their Management training program. Except with the new program, the patient’s face doesn’t as much lard residue on it.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

@~Preliminary research suggests that hand held laser pointers, commonly used by teachers, may help Parkinson's patients who experience sudden, temporary condition where muscles freeze and patients suddenly cannot move.

In related news, dance club owners have already started recruiting the laser-pointer toting Parkinson’s patients to do their light shows because of their unique ability to provide seizure-enducing laser movements.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

@~ Researchers report that contraceptives have much higher failure rates in the 'real world' than in clinical trials, indicating improper use as the reason for many of these failures.

The scientists also warn against using bootleg brands, such as Stiffy’s Sock Puppet Prophylactics, Long John’s Jammee Jumpsuit, and NEVER use the old homemade, desperation option, Plastic-wrap and a tin-tie method.../images/line2.gif (4324 bytes)

 The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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Read last week's news, 99.04.20

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