The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
Cheer up, itís not the end of the world-itís only the end of full control of your limbs and bladder as you know it.
I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!

HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

05/04/99

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by Hog-Wild. The Hogsta wants to thank all of his friends, fans, and family. You are the termite-repellant to his prosthetic wooden leg.

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Iran has outlawed women cyclists at a northern seaside resort as an affront to Islamic morality.

Because of its perceived tones of sexual freedom, Islamic fundamentalists regard the act of a woman riding a bicycle as inherently immoral. Thus it was immediately banned. The Islamic extremists celebrated their moral victory by ordering children to run across fields littered with landmines.

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A Japanese couple left their five-month-old baby girl in a coin locker while they went to eat a late night snack of Chinese food.

The couple echoed the sentiments of many Japanese when they answered the charges by confessing QUOTE: "We may have conquered the Chinese and stolen most of their culture to become their economic superior, but they sure can make a damn good egg roll. Plus, they got those Fortune Cookies. The closest thing we have to that in Japan is the Honda Accord."

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Britain's biggest supermarket chain has asked growers to supply smaller melons after research showed women shoppers subconsciously compared them to the size of their breasts.

The women shoppers apparently suffered from melon-envy and would refuse to purchase any cantaloupes larger than their own honeydews.

In related news, the man whose genitalia resembles a newborn, wrinkly, pink lab mouse, Hog-Wild, has never walked out of a Supermarket with a zucchini, cucumber, banana, or even a bag of baby carrots.

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A jury ruled against the estate of an artist who said he was driven mad by a clubfooted CIA agent who slipped LSD into his drink in 1952.

In a case involving a dead plaintiff, a dead defendant and a dead judge, the suit revolved around the activities of the late Sidney Gottlieb, head of the CIA's Cold War efforts to control the human mind.

In the 1950s and 1960s the CIA gave mind-altering drugs to hundreds of unsuspecting Americans in an effort to explore the possibilities of controlling human consciousness.

Apparently it worked. Why else would 1000s of young people who normally care about their looks suddenly grow out their hair, stop shaving in unflattering crevices, wear clothes that resembled those of circus performers, and then grow up to vote for a man who used his privilege to dodge a war draft that they actively fought against?

This just in, the CIA has never done anything ethically questionable. George Bush was not guilty. Iran-Contra never happened. Those black people who were injected with deadly diseases were lying—they all just were exaggerating claims of asthma. Kennedy wasn’t assassinated, Jackie just nagged him until his head exploded. There are no extra-terrestrial beings. Ross Perot does not need to phone home and he does not have a strange affinity for Reeses’ Pieces.

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A group of explorers said it had discovered the frozen body of British mountaineer George Mallory, who died high on the slopes of Mount Everest 75 years ago.

In related news, Rock N Roll legend Elvis Presley also died high—except he wasn’t exactly climbing Mount Everest—he was just trying to climb his fat ass out of the tub.

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  A new study shows that Canadian women who read magazines full of advertisements featuring skinny female models suffer more from low self-esteem than those who don't.

One would expect skinny female models to feel those same feelings of low self-esteem when they read magazines about scientific or technical issues. But this is not the case, since most skinny female models avoid magazines with big words. When surveyed, it was found that most models choose reading material based on the "shininess of the paper" and if all the words on the page are enclosed in bubbles with arrows pointing to the lasagna-loving cat who is speaking the lines.

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Baseball star Jose Canseco is divorcing his wife of less than three years.

He said he didn’t appreciate her remarks about him being in a batting slump in the bedroom. Canseco maintains that when he tried to get intimate with his wife, she told him he needed to swing a bigger bat, or get the pine tar, or choke up or something, because his weak hits up the middle were barely marking it past her mound.

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In the midst of Japan's recession, the nation's boys want to pick up a hammer and nails instead of a briefcase and tie.

``Carpenter,'' which ranked number 10 in last year's survey, was the number one career choice for boys in kindergarten and primary school.

This in contrast to the 1980’s when most Japanese children ranked their number one career choice as "Global Corporate Raider and future largest Foreign owner of American Landmarks."

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Frenchman Fabrice Gropaiz skated up to the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, 28 months and 17,000 miles after leaving the French capital, to become the first person to circle the globe on in-line skates.

When asked why he did it, he answered that he did not intend to do it. He just said he QUOTE: "never quite figured out how to stop with these things on."

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State governors and legislatures are failing to use money obtained through the $246 billion settlement with tobacco firms for tobacco prevention programs aimed at reducing youth smoking.

Ironically, many states have used the bacon bits to purchase fancy crystal ash trays and expensive imported cigars. Said one Southern State Governor, QUOTE: " I done put the money to good use. We USED to give out disposable lighters to College kids around election time, but NOW we gonna give out Zippo’s!"

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More than 75% of primary care doctors surveyed said they had prescribed children selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, such as Prozac, even though these drugs have not been approved for use in children.

When asked why, one doctor replied QUOTE: "Ah, why the hell not. Those little brats are such a pain when they come to my practice. I figured this should keep ‘em quiet. And that’s what the parents want too. Back in the day, we would have prescribed a good ol’ fashioned spanking and maybe locking the child in a dark windowless room for a week or two. But that kind of thing is frowned upon now by those damn liberals. But those liberals love their medication. So now parents can’t hit their kids, but they can get them hooked on prescription drugs. So when their child misbehaves, all they have to do is shake the bottle—and the sound of it makes them stop, stare and drool like they were Scooby Doo eyeballing a bitch in heat with a box of fresh Scooby Snacks."

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Scientists said they may have found a mechanism that could explain Gulf War illness, a mysterious syndrome that many veterans around the world have complained of.

It was discovered that the soldiers’ GUT-WRENCHING pain was just that. They were TOOLS for the U.S.’s selfish economic interests.

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  The U.S. Air Force said its $1.2 billion Titan 4B rocket mission had failed to place a military satellite into the proper orbit, its third consecutive space mission failure.

``Obviously this is a very disappointing day for the U.S. Air Force. This mission did not end the way we hoped it would,'' Brig. Gen. Randy Starbuck told a news conference. He claimed he never before had problems getting it up. Feeling dejected, the Brigade General and his superior officer did agree to "cuddle" in the meantime.

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In pink girlish glasses, a flowery turtleneck and woman's coat, a grown man tried to sneak into a women's bathroom at McBootleg, disguised as a 14-year-old girl.

Radio’s ranting, ravenous, rambunctious, rebel who is respected as much as rolled-over roadkill, Hog-Wild, has also been mistaken for a 14 year old girl-- but only when he’s naked.

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A 70-year-old man was armed with a .22-caliber pistol and a bottle of Viagra when he showed up for what he hoped would be a secret rendezvous with a 14-year-old he met on the Internet. The young girl, however, was really a Wayne County sheriff's deputy, and the meeting turned out to be a trap.

When confronted by the female undercover police officer , the old man said QUOTE: "DAMN IT! I guess my eyes ain’t as good as they used to be. I could have SWORN I was in the alt.innocent-little-girls newsgroup. I must have accidentally clicked on the alt.kinky-stuff-with-handcuffs group. Oh well, let’s go for it sweetie. Oh, don’t worry about my pistol. It only shoots blanks. Both of them."

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Home plate umpire Kerwin Danley became light-headed during a game between Arizona and Cincinnati and was taken to a hospital for a precautionary checkup.

It was the first time in baseball history that when heckled by fans "can’t you see straight, are you drinking?", that the umpire responded: "You’re right. I shouldn’t have stayed up late last night with that wild orgy of Umpire-groupies and furry team mascots. I’d better go home and get some rest."

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Baseball’s Los Angeles Dodgers issued a statement saying they are looking into allegations involving the signing of two Cuban minor leaguers. It was reported the Dodgers held secret tryouts for two Cuban players in their homeland, arranged their escapes and then ordered them to lie about it.

The Dodgers’ General Manager responded to the charges in an official press release, QUOTE: "This is Los Angeles. We’re SUPPOSED to have illegal immigrants here. In fact, we are under intense scrutiny from the mayor’s office for not having enough illegal immigrants on our team or in our company. We weren’t trying to cover it up. We just told those Cuban boys to act Mexican and everything would be all right."

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The number of cosmetic surgery operations has jumped dramatically since 1992, increasing by 50% over the past 2 years alone.

This was due in large part to fluctuations in Pamela Anderson’s career aspirations.

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New York, once the heart of the nation's motion picture industry, is set to resume a major role in movie-making with a planned 15-acre, $150 million film and television studio in Brooklyn.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said that he had purchased a "New York" sign similar to the world-famous one in Hollywood, but he sadly remarked that it was already stolen.

In related news, a very SIMILAR sign has popped up at "Roberto’s Window Glass and Spare Auto Parts" in the Bronx, except the price has been doubled.

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Chanting anti-Castro slogans, Cuban-Americans protested the game between the Cuban national team and the Baltimore Orioles as a diversion from what they say is the Cuban leader's brutal crackdown on dissenters.

In related news, Fidel Castro promised his team all free collectible seat cushions if they LOST the game. The seat cushions however, would be placed on a high-voltage electric chair.

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A new report by European Union scientists finds strong evidence that one of six hormones used in the beef industry could cause cancer.

This begs the question, Are cows SO lazy they need EXTRA hormones to get horny? Tonight at 10 on Action News, "Sex-Starved Cows and the Presidents that Love Them."

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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