The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
menu5.jpg (15272 bytes)I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!

HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

08/01/99

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by The Hilary Clinton For NY Senator Campaign. Dont send money, send maps. Help Hilary learn the boroughs of NYC. Ensure that she doesn’t change the state motto to: "I Love NY, because it has a whole bunch of Electoral Votes."

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Two Argentine judges are locked in a dispute over whether they should be addressed as ``Your Honor'' or ``Your Excellence.''

Discussion began after Judge Eduardo Daffis Niklison sent a letter to a higher court president addressing him as ``Your Honor,'' instead of ``Your Excellence.'' The court's head replied, ``when you address members of this Most Excellent Collegiate Organ, you must observe due style.''

In related news, no one ever addressed Hog-Wild’s Most Excellent Collegiate Organ as anything even resembling Your Excellency. It has been addressed as Your Dispappointment, Your Where-is-it?, and Pinky.

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Dutch postmen have taken their employer to court claiming sex discrimination because they cannot wear shorts.

While the company's newly redesigned uniform range allows women to opt for culottes on hot days, it does not include postmen's shorts.

The Dutch Postal Service is leery of such sexual discrimination charges ever since such controversial ad campaigns as "Don’t Lick that, Lick a Stamp", "Don’t Forget to Wrap your Package", and "Sorry we lost your mail, but we shredded it and smoked it—it smelled like a phone bill anyway."

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A secretary in the Los Angeles County Mental Health Department pleaded guilty to making 2,600 calls to a ``Psychic Hotline'' on county phones over a two-year period, racking up $118,000 units in charges.

HogWild News contacted the L.A. Mental Health Department to find out what people thought of the secretary. One person described her as QUOTE: "relatively normal, but making all those calls to psychic-lines is kinda crazy. Besides, the only one who can predict the future is Henry here. He has a chip implanted in his brain by the government. His skull is stamped with Intel Inside. The Feds use him to find future global trends in agriculture and Knicks games." The contact did give his name but refered to himself as Jm J Bullock.

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Even Hercules, one of legend's toughest superheroes, is a coward when it comes to visiting Colombia, probably the most violent country in Latin America.

A planned tour of the traditional Disney On Ice show, which this year was to be based on ``Hercules'' animated film, was scrapped after the Bogota-based company organizing the skating extravaganza received phone threats.

Said Columbian officials, QUOTE: "drug lords from all over the country were calling to see if we stole their shipment. In Colombia, calling a show "On Ice" is never a good idea.

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- The United Nations is not amused by a pun on the first name of Secretary-General Kofi Annan used in advertisements on the back of some New York subway passes.

``Got time for a Kofi break? Delegate a few minutes for news at your desk,'' say the ads for ABC Television's Internet service.

But the United Nations is not laughing, and says that ABC used Annan's name and photograph without permission.

Said ABC officials, QUOTE: "if those Blue Berets would just lighten up a bit, maybe the world would be a more peaceful place. They’re just lucky the Secretary-General’s last name isn’t Kuntz."

A UN adinistrator shot back, QUOTE: "Maybe we’d be laughing more if ABC’s idea of humor wasn’t an ex-con dangerously misusing power-tools."

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The attorney general drew laughter at the end of her weekly news conference by recounting how a couple in a small California town mistakenly identified her during a parade.

Reno overheard the couple agree she looked familiar. But instead of recognizing her as the nation's top legal officer, the wife said of Reno, ``I think she is the checkout person at the local market.''

This of course, is an easy mistake to make considering Reno is ALWAYS AT the supermarket. What Reno did NOT recount was that the woman’s husband joked that Reno worked at the checkout because of her access to free brown-paper-bags, which she needed for intercourse.

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A pregnant woman who spent nearly a month in a coma stunned doctors when she awakened unexpectedly three days after a priest gave her last rites.

Upon the hearing the news, the exasperated priest exclaimed QUOTE: "G-ddamn it! I HATE THAT! When I give last rites, it’s supposed to be LAST rites. Next time I’m bless her with the holy hammer to the head to make SURE she’s deceased."

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A Japanese travel agency offering package tours for smokers that let them light up in-flight is taking the heat from outraged anti-tobacco groups.

The travel agency specializes in booking tours just for smokers, finding them smoker-friendly restaurants and hotel rooms.

In response, Anti-Smoking groups have launched Operation Butts—oddly enough the same code name given to Kenneth Starr’s Investigation.

It shouldn’t be hard to locate the smokers affiliated with the travel agency since their airplane is in the shape of a cigar and instead of getting frequent flyer miles, they earn Marlboro points. The anti-smoking lobby has plans to infiltrate the smokers’ hotel rooms and replace all of the glass ashtrays with clay ones in the shape of a human heart.

This juvenile tactic was suggested by the most juvenile of all delinquints, the anti-tobacco, turrets-syndrome, tassle-twirling, tiddywinkler, twinkletoes, HogWild.

Said HogWild, QUOTE: "When I was six, that’s what I made my dad for Father’s Day. Except it didn’t deter him from smoking. In fact, he thought it was cool and requested that I make him a beer-bong in the shape of a human liver. Damn it daddy I love you. Stop killing yourself. We may have stolen the Native Americans’ land, but that doesn’t mean they have the right to steal my daddy with their evil tobacco peace pipe. Damn those Indians! I wish Pochantas would have died of Emphazema! And damn the white man! He should have known better than to take an offer of free tobacco from a man Hacking Cough, or Black Lung, or Yellow Tooth, or Man with Huge Green Loogey.

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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Read last week's news, 99.05.04

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