The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
menu5.jpg (15272 bytes)I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!

HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

08/02/99

(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by the promoters of Woodstock ’99. Who remind you that Woodstock 2004 is just 5 years away. The headlining act will be Billy Joel performing his smash hit "We didn’t start the Fire." It was always burning since we held 200,000 people hostage without food or water and then charged them $24 units for an undercooked hamburger—plus 35 cents for cheese.

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According to a new report, Kids who enjoy gym class are more likely to have physically active lives outside of school than those who do not.

In shocking news, the report also discovered that those kids who dread gym class tend to also be those who most enjoy lunch period. Those students are more likely to have MORE lunch outside of school. They are also more likely to get pounded in the gutski with the dodgeball.

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Antidepressant drug therapy effectively lowers rates of job absenteeism in depressed workers, researchers conclude.

Bosses across America are now implementing measures to FORCE employees to take antidepressants. Said one manager, QUOTE: "You Jenson, you look sad. Go to the supply cabinet and reload on your medication. Take a double dose! But don’t steal any sticky-notes!" The manager then remarked to his coworkers, QUOTE: "You gotta keep him from getting depressed, because depression leads to absenteeism, and that could lead to suicide, which would only lead to more absenteeism. It’s a win-win situation for losers like Jenson."

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US adolescents are getting heavier, and their systolic blood pressure is also rising, according to a 10 year study of Minneapolis school children.

Said the ever-diplomatic Minesotta Governor, Jessie Ventura, those kids in Minneapolis are fat-asses. They’ll have to change their nickname from the Twin Cities to the Twin Chin Cities.

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The FDA reported that healthy adults, not just the elderly or children, should stop eating raw sprouts on salads and sandwiches to avoid getting sick from food poisoning.

Alfalfa, clover and radish sprouts have been linked to nearly 200 reported illnesses this year in California, Colorado, Oregon and Washington.

In related news, those are the same states that Elizabeth Dole has been campaigning in with her husband Bob, who, in his speeches, has made repeated references to his E.D. and how it no longer stops him from sticking it to Elizabeth—who may look like a Heffer- but can still moo with flaping utters."

No word on whether the people vomiting also ate raw sprouts.

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Austin Powers may be shagging his way around the world's cinema screens, but the international man of mystery will not be swinging in Malaysia.

The spoof secret agent's latest film outing, ``The Spy Who Shagged Me,'' has been banned by Malaysia's Censorship Board for containing too much sexual innuendo.

In January, mainly Muslim Malaysia also banned ``The Prince of Egypt,'' an animated musical portraying the life of Moses, and in 1994, initially refused to screen Steven Spielberg's holocaust epic ``Schindler's List'' on the grounds that it was sympathetic to Jews.

We go to man who has never made ANY list (except for the one at the Video Store labeled "Losers who always check-out R-rated Bikini movies on Saturday Nights"), HogWild:

Hog: Malaysia, land of the obvious. Hmm, will a movie entitled, "The Spy who SHAGGED me" contain sexual innuendo? Will a movie produced by a Jew about the Holocaust be sympathetic? Damn! Malaysia is on top of things. Malaysia, one place where HogWild will NOT be visiting—no Jews and no shagging. Not that I really practice either—but in theory—I’m supposed or be doing both! Any country that doesn’t believe in Austin Powers is no place that I want to go!

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Charlton Heston wishes he could have been Cary Grant -- but concedes it was more interesting to play tragic heroes who got the girl but died in the end.

Said Heston, QUOTE: "Yeah, Grant was great, but I bet that little pansy never packed heat! A real man doesn’t need witty dialogue or snappy conversation, he just needs a full banana clip and the Bill of Rights!" 

Mr. Heston’s nurse then unloaded the full clip in his diaper, and put him to bed.

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An army of garbage collectors toiled to clear Berlin's streets and parks after a million or more revelers danced the day and night away to the techno beat of the Love Parade.

The annual carnival, billed as the world's biggest techno rave, left the German capital littered with debris.

Said one German garbageman, QUOTE: "The last time I had to clean up THIS kind of a mess was in 1940. And trust me, I won’t be so lucky as to find any gold teeth THIS time."

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Deadly radiation, complex computers and the year 2000 bug sound like an apocalyptic mix, but watchdogs say nuclear power plants will be as safe a place as any to greet the new year.

In Western Europe, technicians have been combing bugs from reactor systems and making contingency plans to cope with malfunctions for years. Eastern Europe lags behind, but the International Atomic Energy Agency says it sees only a remote chance of catastrophe.

Translated from his foreig tongue into ENGLISH meaning, he’ll be in a far-off REMOTE LOCATION, away from any nuclear reactors when 2000 hits.

The spokesman said the bug might cause faults but only as trivial as those you would tolerate in a new car.

In related news, owners of the Chevy Mailbu have begun digging their underground shelters.

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  The Federal Communications Commission has voted to investigate why U.S. telephone companies charge customers monthly minimum long-distance fees.

In their defense, the telephone companies have maintained that they are NOT greedy, monopolistic, gougers of the public’s pocketbook. Instead, they shifted the blame to the cable companies. Said one spokesman, "It’s the CABLE companies that are the evil, monopolistic, price gougers—and we are determined to buy them as soon as possible."

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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Read yesterday's news , 99.08.01       Back to News HQ

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