The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
menu5.jpg (15272 bytes)I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!

HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

08/03/99

(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by The Foundation to Abolish the Emmy Awards on Account that Television Sucks.

Two now infamous Phoenix nurses, husband and wife, starred in their own sexy Web site and proved too hot for their hospital to handle. When asked originally why they did it, they said it was to pay for their children’s education. But today, the male nurse of the medical couple that has gotten more than a few men’s hyperdermic needles shooting fluids, admits that he was PRESSURED into doing it. Nurse George Miller said he only boinked his wife on the Internet to prove once and for all, that not all male nurses are gay.

In related news, there has never been a likewise sexy heterosexual website done by a male hairdresser.

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Police arrested South Korea's ''Robin Hood,'' a fugitive who evaded capture seven times and gave thousands of dollars to poor and handicapped students.

The authorites would not reveal the identity of the man who tipped them off, but DID say that the informant was a fervent supporter of the new Republican Tax Cut Plan.

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An Uruguayan man selling newspapers in Argentina was shot in the chest and leg by a thief but kept working for 10 hours before realizing he had been wounded.

When asked how he could keep working without noticing any pain, the newspaperman said QUOTE: "Geez, I had no idea I was supposed to be in pain—I was too busy smiling broadly while reading Beetle Baily and the Wizard of Id.

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Sun-loving vacationers are baring all on eastern Germany's Baltic coast -- and it's driving other tourists to distraction.

Fights have broken out as the more prudish element have tried to force the nudists to cover up. Social scientists say it's the latest round in the culture clash between west Germans and their former communist cousins from the east.

Said one former-commie East German, QUOTE: "I’m all for this democracy-freedom stuff. But when I’m taking my family to the beach, the last thing I want to see is some guy’s Perastroika and his wife’s oversized, flabby Glutious Glasnost.

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A New Jersey woman who keeps tigers on her property refused to give in to state authorities who have been trying to close down her private animal preserve since a Bengal tiger was found roaming her neighborhood.

Said the Jersey woman, QUOTE: "What’s the big deal?" When I used to live in the Bronx, we had RATS running in the streets TWICE as big as my tiger. In fact, I MOVED to NewJersey, because in New York it was cockroach that killed my dog. Have YOU ever seen a roach hold up a Golden Retreiver at gunpoint?"

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Police said they had arrested a man suspected of having defrauded two German investors of around $460,000 bacon bits by renting an office above a bank and posing as its director.

Upon hearing this news, the ever-inventive, but pathetically-bootleg HogWild came up with his OWN scheme. But he learned that people weren’t as gullible when they saw what was supposed to be a Cash Machine with a slot for deposits, that was actually a poorly disguised pop-up toaster.

In his defense, HogWild exclaimed QUOTE: "How was I supposed to know that the first idiot to try to deposit his check in my toaster, would be coming at the exact time that my raisin bread was ready?!"

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U.S. officials announced that the Safeway supermarket chain had agreed to pay a $200,000 fine to resolve charges that it poured over 10,000 gallons of spoiled milk down California storm drains.

Stated California’s EPA, "We want to send a message that it is both wrong and harmful to make illegal dumps...whether the thing dumped is oil or milk.''

In related news, the grimey, gregarious giggling grinster with the "when you gotta-go you gotta-go" philosophy, has been arrested SEVERAL times for making illegal dumps. Most recently at a restaurant bathroom where another customer commented, "DAMN, that kinda SMELL outta be outlawed.

However back to the original story, not only did the illegal dumping of SPOILED MILK in California result in heavy fines, but it also brought thousands of aspiring Hollywood actresses to tears when the curdled milk rose up in the drain of their tubs. Said one such hopeful actress of the rotten, chunky, yellowed milk , QUOTE "I thought I was living a nightmare. I always feared the day that my liposuctioned bodyfat would come back to haunt me. "

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-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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