The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
menu5.jpg (15272 bytes)I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!

HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

08/04/99

(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by Runaway Nosehairs. Runaway Nosehairs are an integral part of making you look stupid.

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Around 400 members of a grassroots Christian group prayed in Jerusalem's Old City, marking 900 years since Crusaders slaughtered Jews, Muslims and Orthodox Christians in the Holy City.

Members of the Reconciliation Walk group have traced the path of Crusaders from Europe to the Middle East since 1996 in a tour of apology.

Literally following in their footstep was President Clinton. The President said QUOTE: "I too must take a tour of apology. First I’ll tour the White House and apologize to all the leather recliners that have suffered seeing a close-up of my pasty-white bottom. Next I’ll apologize to women in each state I visited during my 1992 political campaign. And finally I’ll say I’m sorry to Linda Blimp. She’s just playa-hatin’ because she’s the ONLY woman in Washington that I WOULDN’T extend my executive branch to. So I’m sorry Linda, but you’re just too damn ugly."

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Just three weeks after a truckload of steers caused havoc on a Mexico City expressway, commuter traffic along the same route was snarled by a truckload of pigs.

Firefighters hammered away for almost two hours to try to free three tiers of caged pigs aboard a farm truck that got stuck under a bridge.

Lamented many proud Mexicans: "we used to be such a powerful people. I bet when the Mayans were building their pyramids they were never late to work because some idiot drove his truck full of pigs and sacrificial virgins into a bridge."

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A Colombian housewife -- who helped her policeman husband and his colleagues defend a jungle village from rebel attack -- received the Medal of Valor, one of the country's highest military honor.

Her husband congratulated her on the distinction, but then quickly suggested that she QUOTE: "Quit winning medals, and focus on her wifely duties." He continued, "I would give her a certificate of achievement if she would ever cook a decent meal. Forget that Medal of Valor—how about putting to use the Gold Medal Flower! Bake me a cake woman! Bake me a cake."

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According to the US Depertment of Labor, about 30% of employees care for an elderly relative, and 54% predict that they will be in a caregiver role within the next 10 years.

Armed with that statistic, HogWild approached his mother and told her not to worry. Since she changed HIS diaper, he would do the same for her in a couple of years. Then, after being slapped in the back of the head with a soup spoon, he continued, QUOTE: "And dad, since you never got me the toys I wanted, I won’t get YOU the battery-opertated toys YOU’RE gonna want—like a pacemaker!"

HogWild’s parents then began to break down and cry, weeping and moaning about how they should have known better. Said Hog’s mom, Quote, "I knew it was a sign for bad things ahead when, while I was breastfeeding him for the first time, he distracted me by belching, and then proceeded to reach for my purse.

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More than half of normal weight, white adolescent girls consider themselves fat, according to results of a new report. The study's author believes this group of girls may be at risk for health problems stemming from frequent dieting and eating disorders.

In related news, the other half do NOT consider themselves to be overweight because they are comparing their bodies to those of their suburban, middle-american, sit-on-the-couch-and-watch-reruns, custard-pie-ass, frozen-yogurt-filled gutski’s of their parents.

And their parents don’t consider THEMSELVES to be fat because THEY compare themselves to their favorite TV stars: Rosie, Oprah, Roseanne, and Louie Anderson.

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Researchers report that babies who are breast-fed have a lower risk of being obese in childhood than bottle-fed babies.

These facts however, DO NOT coincide with the life of Jeremy the Bloated Jew. Jeremy was breast-fed, and was still 480 pounds by age 6.

The researchers claim that Jeremy is invalid for this study because he was breast-fed by his obese dad.

In related news, Jeremy’s dad’s man-boobies provided 2% milk from the left one, and chocolate milk from the right.

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According to Dutch researchers, overnight use of extended-wear contact lenses is the ``main risk factor'' for a potentially blinding form of eye infection.

Then again, the Dutch scientists could barely see themselves, as their eyes were bugged-out from hitting to much of that "funky green ganja" from Amsterdam.

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According to researchers, infants ill with diarrhea fare better when fed soy-based formula fortified with sucrose (plain sugar) rather than lactose (sugar derived from milk).

In related news, the would-be dodo for a da-da, HogWild, will never be allowed to adopt children after an incident where one week after taking home a baby, he asked if he could still return it because it hadn’t yet been 30 days. When asked why, Hog replied, QUOTE: "because this one’s defective. It’s leaking poop everywhere. I asked for a kid, not a caramel factory."

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Microsoft stock surged 5 percent to a record high on expectations the software giant will establish a separate tracking stock for its Web properties to cash in the Internet investment craze.

When asked if this was all part of his plan to stockpile all of the world’s cash, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, denied it. Gates said that just because he created a monoploy and now he’s delving into every aspect of electronic commerce and communication doesn’t mean he’s greedy. Gates continued, QUOTE "Soon I hope to discontinue all our product-lines and instead simply collect a percentage of each American’s working wage in exchange for providing poorly run bureaucratic services."

When told that that revenue stream was already taken by the U.S. Government, Gates replied, QUOTE: "Yeah, and they say I have unfair business practices."

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 -The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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