HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONAL
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Dell Computer Corp. executives predicted their company would be a survivor in a contracting PC industry and vowed they would aggressively enter the market for Internet access.
Said Chairman Michael Dell, QUOTE: "This company has been successful because we make computer purchasing easy for the customer. And now were going to make it easier than ever for our customers to access FNP (free net porn)." At the conclusion of his remarks the CEO introduced the new Internet-style Dell keyboard. He then demonstrated, by how just pressing 2 little buttons he could download naughty pictures from inter-racial-anal-asian-midgets.com. The two buttons are in the shape of little hooters.
Protests against Home Depot will resume for the first time since an explosive device was found two weeks ago near the home improvement retailer's headquarters, an environmental group said.
The environmentalists are protesting Home Depots selling of certain wood products but deny any responsibilty for the bombing. Authorities, however, have marked the groups leaders as suspects due to the fact that the explosive device was actually a deceased spotted-owl, stuffed with dynamite. Before the owls guts were detonated and splashed onto the side of the building, it could be seen with its wing holding a sign that read, "Home Depot took MY Home. After becoming residentially challenged, I lived in random trash cans in New Yorks Central Park posing as a Vietnam Vet with a pronounced limp. But now Ive found that Ive eaten too many of those New York City Dirty-Water-Hot-Dogs and now Im going to explode in a messy death of protest."
In related news, it was the longest message ever recorded on a picket-sign.
A Frenchman may have discovered penicillin some 30 years before Scotsman Sir Alexander Fleming, an English author said.
The Paris-born scientist reportedly was very close to finding the elusive medication, but then, in true French style, he gave up.
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People filed a unique suit against almost 100 gun makers that seeks to change the way firearms are sold but does not seek damages.
The suit does not seek money, but rather to make it more difficult for guns to get onto the streets. The NRA and many conservatives have cited that most blacks are killed by other blacks. They also spouted the old cliche, "Guns dont kill people, black males kill people."
The NAACP responded with this very sobering fact, "Black people dont go crazy after losing money day-trading and shoot everyone in their office. Black people dont have kids who hide out in the woods and shoot their fellow classmates and students. Black kids dont dress in Gothic style and blast children in school. Black people dont blow-up Federal Buildings. Crazy-ass White people do that tish!"
In a written statement, the NRA and Conservative movement declared, QUOTE: "Oh, yea-- we forgot about that. Maybe this gun control movement has a point afterall."
Japan is to sponsor Egypt's first solar power station which should start producing electricity by 2001.
In related news, this development has already sparked interest from Japanese FILM-MAKERS, including the producer of Godzilla. Keeping with the theme of Japanese-Egyptian solar power, the next movie is tentativley titled, "Godzilla Gets Sunburnt in Cairo." The plot is to be centered around a new, more sensitive Godzilla, who gets upset when his lover touches his sunburn on their vacation in Egypt. Godzilla retaliates by crushing the North African country and to soothe his itchy skin, he removes the Suez Canal for use as his personal backscratcher.
German insurer Allianz AG said it had asked the World Jewish Congress to provide its own plans for the compensating of Holocaust victims.
Neo-Nazi groups were confused by the move, stating that they were taught that Jews already controlled all of the worlds money, so how could Germans be GIVING them any?
One Neo-Nazi leader, Kirk der Heiniehumper, posed the rhetorical question, "Why would Germany compensate the Jews for an event that didnt happen?" He was of course implying that the Holocaust never took place. Continuing his conspiracy theory, he answered his own question. "The Jews," he proclaimed, "got together one day and they were counting all the money they stole from hard-working, tatooed, illiterate Germans, and bald-headed trailer-park residents in the Southern United States, and decided that they need even more of our money. So they conspired to kill 6 million of their relatives, and then pay America to blame it on Hitler. That way, 50 years later, theyd get even more of our money. Yeah, those Jews would kill their own just to get a nickel. Yeah, Jews suck. How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to finance the operation and charge interest, and one to hire a black guy to screw it in."
He continued with the one-liners, butthis shouldbe expected when one interviews people in Berlins famous comedy club, "Hitlers House of Hebrew Humor."
In related news, next door was a place doing even better business under the name, "Neds Neo-Nazi Night Club of Negro Knee-Slappers."
Dorothy Bundy Cheney would never dream of stepping on a tennis court without a string of pearls around her neck, her tennis whites gleaming.
The daughter of May Sutton Bundy, the first American to win at Wimbledon, is now the top player in the USTA league for players between the ages of 80 and 85.
In related news, most men watch womens tennis in hopes of a catching a close-up a skirt flying up to reveal the players panties.
In further related news, only a FEW sick pre-verts watch the OLD LADIES leauge in hopes of seeing a skirt fly up to reveal the players adult diapers.
-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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