The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
The only suspense I felt during the Blair Witch Project was: When the Hell is this Gonna END?!  And, Did I drop a Goober, or did my Eyeball just fall out of my Bored and Decaying Head?I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!Help Hog buy new pants, shop at the Bodega.

HOG-WILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC, CHECK OUT THE TOP 100 SELLING CDs!

A bim can never have enough shoes.  That's what keeps our economy rolling.  Do your part to help the free market system flourish.   Click the shoes for the latest fashions by J-Crew!

08/11/99

(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts

w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by Homeless people who Urinate in Mailboxes. If you’re not relieving yourself on someone’s mail, then you’re not living life.

Thousands of people gathered in the Kenyan capital to commemorate the first anniversary of a bomb that exploded outside the U.S. embassy, killing more than 215 and injuring 5,000.

Scores of survivors returned to the site of the blast for a ceremony led by their President, which included speeches, prayers, a minute of silence and the laying of wreaths.

Cried the President of Kenya, QUOTE: "We are here to memorialize a day that really sucked. There hasn’t been a day that has sucked THIS bad since that one year that one of our citizens actually LOST an American Marathon."

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There were red faces in Israel over an erroneous announcement in parliament of the death of a popular politician.

Shocked lawmakers stood in the Knesset with heads bowed in tribute to Amnon Rubinstein after a man falsley identifying himself as a hospital official telephoned parliament during a late night session to say the former cabinet minister had died.

The prankster turned out to be none other than AMERICAN politician, Pat Buchanan. Israeli officials wrongly ASSUMED that it was Rubinstein who had died based on his information.

Buchanan, who is believed by some to be an anti-semite, called the Israeli Congress, and told them that QUOTE: "Some Jew-guy just keeled over and died. But don’t worry, it wasn’t in vain. He WAS reaching for a penny on the sidewalk." When Jewish lawmakers asked which one of their Representatives had passed away, Buchanan replied, QUOTE: "Hell if I know. He had a big nose and beady eyes, but that’s like giving a police-description of a mugger as a black man, ain’t it?"

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German car maker BMW will stop production at its plants in Munich and Regensburg for half an hour so their 19,000 workers can observe the solar eclipse, a company spokeswoman said.

AMERICAN car-makers were SHOCKED that their European rival would willingly give up productive labor time for the event. And in true American-commercialist fashion, a local Ford dealer is expected to annouce his "Big Blowout Bonanza" with an airplane-pulled banner-advertisment that will pass before the sun just moments before the eclipse.

And not to be out-done, General Motors plans to use the moments of total darkness to launch fireworks that will spell out their "Make way for the End of Year Clearance Sale."

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Nice tie, man. Is that pattern Gonorrhea? Malaria? Black Plague? Herpes?

An Encino, Calif.-company, Infectious Awareables, has introduced a line of silk and cotton garments featuring the patterns as seen under a microscope of more than 15 different infectious diseases and bacteria.

There were reports that the stylistically impaired, as well as intelligence, coordination, manners, and grooming-impaired HogWild was seen wearing one such microscopic cellular pattern on HIS shirt. But the Hog dismissed the idea, replying QUOTE: "Ah no, that’s just dandruff from my Jewish Afro."

In related news, nothing says Romantic like a man wearing silk boxers adorned with the molecular pattern of a highly contagious Sexually Transmitted Disease.

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An Australian pub owner has been fined thousands of dollars after the winner of a drinking competition in his bar died of alcohol poisoning.

The winner died after drinking 34 glasses of beer, four bourbons and 17 tequilas in 100 minutes in a Sydney bar in 1997.

As a public service announcement, HogWild News Network International would like to remind you that "A beer before wine, and you’re doin’ fine. But wine before beer, and you’d better stand clear." And now, in a new edition to this parable, "34 beers before 17 tequilas and 4 bourbons, then you can keep on slurpin’. But 4 bourbons and 17 tequilas before 34 beers, and you’d better prepare yourself to be used as a fossil fuel."

So please remember, if you must drink , remember that the 34 beers come BEFORE the 4 bourbons and 17 tequilas.

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Survivors of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima said they will make a formal complaint to a U.S. museum for selling earrings shaped like the bomb.

The U.S. National Atomic Museum in Albuquerque, New Mexico, sells the ``Little Boy'' and ``Fat Man'' earrings, named after the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, on its Internet page.

As to be expected, Museum officials reacted insentively to the news. That is, until the Museum’s Director was shown a Web Page from the Vietnam P.O.W. Museum. The Director’s brother was killed in the conflict, and was horrified to see earrings and bracelets in the shape of tortured American soldiers. Then he was taken to a site that put up by supporters of terrorism, that featured earrings in the shape of broken TWA airplanes. But it wasn’t until a third site, that the Director finally broke down and admitted he was wrong to sell jewelery that made light of the gruesome deaths of thousands of people. That would be the Cuban Commie Museum in Havana, whose website features the awful JFK earrings.  The left one is his head.  The right one is his bullet-pierced brain.

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If the prisoners at the Tremembe jail needed an extra reminder that crime doesn't pay, they got it when bandits ran off with their hard-earned savings.

Four men toting machine guns overpowered guards and busted into the low-security jail to steal money that prisoners were sending home.

Said one inmate, "Is there no honor among theives. We done stole this money fair and square."

Ironically, the convicts signed a petition urging the Government to pass tougher laws against crime.

The inmate continued, QUOTE: "I just don’t feel safe no more. I remember when I could go out at night and not even have to lock my cell door. Now I’m afraid to raise a family in a place like this. I only moved in this place for the free cable TV. But if these robberies and unwanted anal attacks continue, I might have to consider another neighborhood.

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 -The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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